Pro Wrestling Freedom ~ Hey wait, I KNOW that guy!

 I wanted to end this year on a happy note. I've been saving this story for a little while and today is just the right day to share it.

Have you ever had a moment in your life, where you see somebody and say to yourself "HEY! I knew him/her before they made it big!" Or "I was into that BEFORE it was cool." well this is one of those stories.

So once upon a time, MySpace was cool.

Back in 2009, I blogged on there much like I do here, only more frequently and with less serious stories. But one thing I talked about the most was wrestling, specifically the Indies.

The Indies are the backbone of wrestling. Just about every wrestler you've ever thought was cool was an Indy Boy at one point or another. It's where our stars are born and reborn, and what most people don't realize is that the top three companies were once themselves "Indy". (WWE was once Capitol, an Indy with just barely 12 on the roster.)

While MySpace was booming, I started making plenty of friends, but little did I realize that the company I was keeping were all about to become well known names. Looking at my list right now, I see names in Ring of Honor, names in TNA and WWE, a filmmaker, names that now crop up in magazines and newspaper articles.

John Bullard is now one of those names.

A humble man, I'm not sure how he'll feel about this blog, as he's not one to boast or brag, but I just had to tell this tale.

It was wintertime in early 2009 when I got a friend request from John. We talked about wrestling and who were the best commentators, and always he was supportive of my desire to be a cartoonist.

In just three years, I watched from afar as John held simultaneous jobs as a wrestler and musician. I had always heard that hard work and determination would get you places, and his life was that phrase in motion. John has never had it easy in life, but it's never stopped him from reaching the next step. He's been through alot in his short life, having survived the kinds of disasters only CNN could talk about. But he's always kept on. He built himself up, and along the way would lend a hand to those in need of support.

He saw that the good people of Kentucky also love wrestling, but didn't have many options. There was a hunger for change. People wanted more than the every day "Smokey Mountain" feel. They wanted variety. Everything from high flying action, to technical, to hardcore brawls.

So John decided to bring it to them.

He was diligent with his work, and very slowly, began to shape a new project called "Pro Wrestling Freedom". He was determined to provide fans with the product that would make them the happiest, and soon, he was enlisting all kinds of names from around the area. Everyone from Hy Zaya and Lennox Norris to Mad Man Pondo and B.J. Whitmer.

Just as things were starting to solidify, I got a phone call. He needed a website.

I spent many a sleepless night, teaching myself anything I could to make the site worthy of this promising new company. I'm very blessed to say that I built the Pro Wrestling Freedom website this year, and it's one of the most rewarding works I've ever had. It's been an honor and a joy to build that page from scratch.

The site went live in September, and just one month later, PWF held their first show.

It always warms my heart to see a new wrestling promotion with a strong vision start up, but this is the first time I can say I watched a friend start one from scratch.

Steadily these last few months, I've been watching PWF grow from a brand new venture to a household name, complete with a loyal fan-base and an energetic roster, just bursting with life. They're heading to WOBZ TV 9 in Kentucky this upcoming year, and there will be an internet stream for those outside the area.

I am also very happy to report to you that just before the stroke of midnight, PWF debuted it's very first iPPV on WWNLive. The whole roster put their very best effort into it, and if you like what you see, the DVD has extra matches and other stuff added.

I can't tell you how amazed I am that I was lucky enough to see this from the very beginning.

I'm very proud of you, John.

Stupidity about a shooting

I promise the next blog will not have anything to do with shootings, but I want to address a problem I have.

I didn't even get the chance to hit "post" on my last blog, before catching the most stupid, ignorant posts possible. But before I get to that, let me share a piece of information I received.

The mother of the shooter in Connecticut, not only owned the gun her son used to kill 20 children, she owned SEVERAL ~ including a military grade glock. She was one of those Fox News fans, and was 100% into the fear propaganda I'm still trying to wipe from my page. Yeah you know the kind, the one that is one tin foil hat away from believing that every guy with a tan is a terrorist.

Worse? She had a volunteer job at the school.

Why didn't the school do a background check ~ specifically looking for behavioral problems like this??

I can see her passing the criminal check, but if there are KIDS involved, shouldn't you be running personality checks too?? If this was my school, I'd be running mental checks on the family, just to keep the kids safe. Have we not learned from the many decades worth of stories about school faculty abusing and killing kids?

So with that in mind, onto the stupidity!

Here's what I'll do. I'm going to post in red the stupid things I've read, and in blue will be my response to them. Ready? Here goes!

Bryan Fischer claims that legalizing gay marriage is proof of 'sacrificing the well-being of children.
Where in the hell did you get that from?? First of all, you just committed blasphemy by declaring that God would kill children, based on Gays being allowed marriage. There is NO passage in the Bible that says God would have said "In the event that you allow Gays to live as Straight people, I will strike down a random school in CT." There wasn't even a CT when that book was written, and even if there was, I'm really sure God is against the smiting of innocence in cases like this. Second, the shooter and the victims have NOTHING to do with Gay anything, so why did you bother bringing that up??

Guns save lives, we should support the NRA.
I read this right as the death toll rose to 19 children. My eyes watered at how ignorant this statement was. These parents aren't even ready to claim the bodies yet, and already you're out here, praying to the all mighty gun?? What the hell is wrong with you??? There are DEAD children being pulled from the school, and all you can think about is what an awesome tool a gun is.

While I can buy the idea that it's not the weapon, but the psycho wielding it, (after all, the same day in China, another psychopath randomly slashed 22 kids with a knife for no reason) this is 100% NOT EVER AT ALL the time to post garbage like this!! Do you understand how bad that comes across?? That's like telling me how great MacGyver is on 9-12-01. And if you get the reference, have a cookie.

Public school is ALWAYS the better option. If they were homeschooled, they'd only be sheltered. Homeschooling is dumb, it keeps kids from the REAL world. They were better off in public school.
Ever since I was 8 years old, I have had these public school nimrods try to tell me how "Stupid" I am, because I was homeschooled. With the exception of two, most of them barely managed a C in school and are no better employed than their other Twitter trolls ~ who still live in Mommy's basement. 

You pick NOW to say this? Let's explore why you just offended me beyond all hope of recovery.

When I was homeschooled, I had access to more books, and all were unabridged. That's a big word that means "uncensored". Unlike the public school system ~ which teaches kids today that slavery was just a sad event, and that cotton grows on trees ~ I had access to books we now deem college ready. This also means that I had to read the uncensored cut of Mark Twain's novels, so while I read about characters he used the N word for, most schools just have him describing these persons of fiction as "kind slave with feelings". 

Furthermore, contrary to popular fiction, homeschooled kids are NOT:
1. Hobbits, holed up at home
2. Cave dwellers who wear tin foil hats
3. Stupid
4. 100% friendless and die alone
5. Incapable of understanding society and how to REALLY act around people.
6. Evangelical, religious nut cases, who refuse to hold hands with a guy/girl for fear of setting off "The Devil".

And our degrees are just as valid as yours.

Please do tell me where these fake, insensitive stereotypes come from. And please refrain from saying "I know people" because that is a very old excuse. Name names.

As far as this goes, the fact that you think that "sheltering" them was somehow "better" than letting them die by the hands of a madman, is truly scary. I'd rather teach a kid at home than to see his/her name come up as "of the dead".

And could you have picked a worse time to spout this rhetoric?? 

Think about it. Think really hard. This school FAILED these kids. They had a security system that sure, may have locked THEM in, but it didn't stop a madman from waltzing in and killing a whole floor of them.

The school FAILED to check and see if the woman "helping" at said school was a fear mongering gun nut, with a kid who was clinically insane.

The school FAILED to protect the kids and their teachers, and the survivors thereof had to rely on themselves ALONE. Saw in the paper today about a 6 year old boy who ALONE saved himself and a good number of children by ushering kids to safety. Two teachers risked their lives to shield the kids as well. One by locking everyone into a room, the other by acting as a shield. She died. Where was school security during this?? This was an expensive school, with tons of funding, you can't tell me they were without guards.

How can you champion a system that obviously FAILED these kids??

Video games and social media are to blame.
This comes from the fan-fiction writers at Fox News. Forbes already had a field day on this one. Wanna know why?

The shooter DIDN'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES!!!

Why? Because he had Asperger’s syndrome. And you don't hand a kid with Asperger’s syndrome anything that would stimulate them.

So how can you blame a video game he NEVER HAD on the shooting? 

Answer? You can't. Way to not do your research there, Fox.

Furthermore, I have several social media outlets. I have no desire to pick up a gun.

Movies caused this!
Again, nobody yet has said if the killer was into movies. And even if he was, there are NO current blockbusters about this type of thing.

It's God's Will.
God does not condone the slaughtering of 20 kids in a school. The people who spout this type of blasphemy are also the type that goes to church twice a week. That's really upsetting. You go to church, which teaches people that God is loving. And yet, you just said that. Out loud. What are you thinking??

It's because there are fewer women at home.
WOW when did Jerry Falwell get a Twitter? That's impressive for a dead guy. I didn't think they handed iPhones out in Hell. Well I'm pretty certain that if Gay marriage, video games and movies didn't cause this, a woman trying to earn enough to pay the light bill didn't cause this either.

It's because there is no God in school.
Once more, this is blasphemy. Now let me explain a few things about the Public School System and God.

1. The public school system is just that. PUBLIC. Meaning that like our government, it is free of the church. We have the separation of church and state, so we don't end up like the Taliban, forcing everyone to follow one God, and one way only of thinking.

2. We have the term "In God We Trust" on our money ~ which you need to pay for school lunches in school. Technically, He never left.

3. If you really are dumb enough to think He is absent from school, wait until test time. You might never see as much prayer in your whole life.

It's because women have abortions, even in cases of rape.
That is horrifying, disgusting, and makes NO sense. God would never allow the killing of 20 children, just because a woman who was raped chose not to carry to term her rapists's fetus, allowing it to re-shape and forever scar her body. Nor would he kill children who are alive, because a woman maybe had an abortion because it was eggtopic and they BOTH would have died, it was ill/injured beyond hope and would have been born dead, or because she doesn't have the money ti afford nine months of prenatal care our Government won't pay for, and her job won't either. Abortion is NEVER something a woman "just has" and to accuse God of murder because of it is blasphemy.

The Westboro Baptist Church blames the super Christian Carrie Underwood for "pimping Gay marriage".
... WOW that's actually the worst excuse I have heard all day. I just had to edit this blog to add that one. Seriously, where did that come from?? So... because some random singer happens to believe in equal rights, God decided to-THAT IS BLASPHEMY!!! Not only that, it makes NO blithering sense! There is no passage in the Bible, that says that if you support your gay friends, God will strike a school with violence. There is no logic at all behind that!

What I I noticed is that 98% of these comments are coming from the internet. People who feel secure and safe, arguing from behind a monitor. The same keyboard warriors that likely would cower under a table if they saw anybody they attack face-to-face.

I doubt any of you Twitter jocks would dare walk up to the grieving parents, and spout this. But go ahead, I dare you. Film yourself telling one of those parents how "guns save" or how much better off their kids were at that school, instead of home safe with them.

Tell me what they say. Let's put your money where your mouth is.

UPDATE: Well I guess someone took that seriously. Just a few minutes after this was posted, I got an email from my friend, Bill:

By the way, the Westboro Baptist Church is picketing the Sandy Hook school on Monday.
The official statement from Rev. Evil's daughter: "Westboro will picket Sandy Hook Elementary School to sing praise to God for the glory of his work in executing his judgment”

.... Wow, so these clowns just tried to not only justify, but praise God for the murder of 20 children?!?! And this cult hasn't been taken into custody yet???



He adds that in the past, they have blamed other shootings on Jews and Blacks. Here are a few more excerpts he shared with me:

In an interview, Margie Phelps said that her church was targeting the American Jewish community because church members had "testified" to Gentiles for 19 years that "America is doomed" and that "Now it's too late. We're done with them." Phelps also claimed Jews were "one of the loudest voices" in favor of homosexuality and abortion and that "[Jews] claim to be God's chosen people. Do you think that God is going to wink at that forever?" Phelps concluded by stating, in an apparent reference to the Book of Revelation, that all the nations of the world would soon march on Israel, and that they would be led by President Barack Obama, whom she called the "Antichrist"

11-year-old brain tumor victim Harry Moseley raised £500,000 for charity but Marge Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church criticized his family for not teaching him to "obey God". This comment within a few hours of the boy's death caused great distress to the bereaved

... Truly these are a Godless people, for they fail to realize something Bill and I both discovered.

Religion teaches us that God created man in his image. So that means God must be bi then since he created gay and straight man.


If you read the book of Genesis, you'd find that to be TRUE.

In an addendum, he informs me:

Fox won't be airing tomorrow night's Christmas episodes of Family Guy and American Dad for fear of offending the Sandy Hook victims despite neither episode having to do with gun violence. 

... So let me understand this. You are removing two comedy shows ~ unrelated to the shooting ~ because of the shooting. I'm going to take a wild guess and say it's because Joe (Family Guy) and the American Dad both carry guns..... no sorry, I can't think of why they would do this.

UPDATE #2: Anonymous just hacked the Westboro Baptist Church, after they announced they had plans to picket the funerals of each of the 20 children, accusing them of "having to die" because Gays want to marry. They were also planning to picket the funeral of a woman who was killed by the father of her child in a murder suicide. They claim she deserved to die because the father of her child was a football player, and thus an idol, so they were stupid enough to think she worshiped him more than God. Anonymous has since posted their personal information all over the internet.

They also plan to picket Obama's visit, claiming that he is the "Black Devil" and sign of the apocalypse  They don't get that this is racism and not just slander, but since he's the president, slander punishable in federal court as TREASON.

Therefore, God must have angels working in Anonymous. Thank you Anons. Keep up the good fight.


UPDATE #3 My brother had to process this news, he didn't take it well.:

UPDATE #4 The KKK, Anonymous and even UgNazi's now hate the Westboro Baptist Church, with the latter two having hacked the Twitter and website thereof.

Better? The hacker is a 15 year old Nazi. I seriously can't make this up.

He allegedly hacked the Twitter after the WBC posted a video claiming that "God" sent the shooter. I really can't blame their enemies on this.

Koriander Books Wrestlemania? HBK vs. Daniel Bryan!

Back in 2010, I was slamming my head into a desk, trying to figure out why... why in the name of Frank Gotch did NXT (not the Hulu show, which is actually GOOD) exist. I'm talking about the not-quite reality show that took the place of Not-ECW on SyFy. I'm no Heath Slater fan, but I imagine that the entire roster deserved better than (I'm not making this up) soda drinking competitions and pillows on sticks.

I saw a row of people with potential, Wade Barrett could have been WWE champion 2 times over by now if anybody paid attention to him, Justin Gabriel had the potential of being on more than just one episode of Superstars a month, but then there was Daniel Bryan. And more and more I could see that WWE was missing out on the best idea they had sitting on the roster.

Teacher vs. Student.

Bryan vs. Shawn Michaels.

C'mon people it books itself!!

Now granted, I didn't see the "psycho Bryan" story so far into the future, and Team Hell No has sort of been dropped on those who still watch on a regular basis with little warning, but back then I was thinking of something more simple.

Shawn was getting ready to retire. It made no blithering sense to throw him at The Undertaker again, knowing full well 'Taker was going to beat him half to death AGAIN. But Shawn was in between heel and face mode (tweener) which gave them all the chance in the world to book the match I was thinking of. Here, let me give you a sample:
I wrote out a story too:

Shawn Michaels is feeling jealous that his former pupil Daniel Bryan (Bryan Danielson) may take his spot in the WWE. So Shawn has secretly nudged "The Powers That Be" to hold Bryan back. Shawn's influence over the corporate WWE backstage crew, forces Bryan onto the low-cards and into a vicious make-over. Shawn believes erroneously that this will teach the boy "a lesson". Meanwhile, Bryan has had it with WWE forcing him down, and downplaying his abilities. He's figured out Shawn's plot and now seeks to dethrone the so-called "Mr. Wrestlemania" on the grandest stage of them all. Shawn is freaking out over the prospect of one day fading away as Bryan fights through the ranks. Bryan begins to see just how different he is from Shawn, and is upset that his former trainer does not hold the same morals as he does. The two set to face off at (fantasy) Wrestlemania. 

It's simple. A chimp can book it. A child on Red Bull can book it. It's really really SIMPLE.

I sent the idea to Bryan, and then shopped it around to anybody with an ear. 

I was adamant this had to happen. It works, makes sense, and if you set the stipulation to "loser leaves WWE" it gives Shawn a glorious Wrestlemania moment and a respectful exit.

Bryan spent Wrestlemania that year behind the curtain. Shawn was slaughtered by The Undertaker. Nobody at Creative bought the idea.

... Until now??

I crack open the Chicago Sun-Times from this past Sunday to see Blackjack Brown's column. Here's what he says:

Now if BlackJack Brown is telling the truth... that means I just booked Wrestlemania.

And WWE isn't paying me a dime for it.

Walt Disney presents... WWE?

Being an adult means owning up to your past and not being ashamed of it. Or.. at least that's what they keep re-porting on Facebook.

Well I'm not above doing just that. So I apologize. I apologize for whispering into the wind quite possibly the most dastardly thing I ever could.

If you believe The Secret or any other scripture on positive thinking or even the notion that what you think becomes reality, then I really need to apologize again. Because it does work, but this all started as an innocent joke...

It was 2011-ish. I made a joke about "What if Disney buys out WWE" this was in retaliation to a comment someone made about how much "better" WWE had been that week. (A week in which they actually drew a 2.9 ~ down from the previous 3.2.)



I used their PG format as a backdrop, making up stories about how Disney could promote WWE and using a photo of Hulk Hogan at the Disney-MGM studios from his debut at WCW:

Never mind that Hogan's WWF cartoon was owned by DiC ~ which until a few years ago was a subsidiary of Disney ~ or that Beth Phoenix had already been on Disney Channel's Zack & Cody, I just went on about how Disney would promote them. I even dreamed up a "Barbie as a WWE Diva" line, poking fun at WWE's deal with the toy giant.

And that's all I meant it as. A joke. I was just kidding around.

Recently, a few of my close friends started whispering that they were scared of Disney taking out WWE. I felt that this was just backlash from Disney's recent purchase of the Star Wars franchise, but more and more the emails came in.

I teased that with the slumping stocks of the WWE ($8.13 a share when I started typing this out) and with Disney's desperation for a recovery hit, since John Carter and the Who Wants to be a Millionaire lawsuit almost cleaned them out, that Disney would at least "think about it". I still didn't put any faith into it. Lesson here? Don't tease. But still I didn't think much of the harmless joke.

But week after week, it got more surreal. I heard about The Miz being on an ABC Family show, Kofi and Miz both being on Disney Channel, a segment about WWE on (Disney's) ESPN re-airing, and before long, The Muppets (another acquisition) were making more than just one USO approved appearance.

So in jest, I drew the "Disney's WWE" cartoon, seen above. I thought that it would make people laugh and that would be the end of it.

I was wrong.

No sooner had I posted the cartoon to my Facebook page did I see the rumor (as in, currently unfounded) that Disney wants to purchase some WWE stock.

... Oh no....

Again, citing their buyout of Pixar and The Muppets, I joked around with the rumor. Bringing up Walt Disney's curious friendship with a Nazi sympathizer, I paraphrased a line from Mel Brooks, stating that all Disney wants is piece.............. a little piece of WWE, a little piece of Pixar, a little piece of Marvel... you can see I'm not taking this too seriously.

...And then, just a few hours ago, my mother sends me this photo she took with her phone:

What you are seeing is a shelf at Aldi... for "Disney's WWE" assorted toys.

.... Uh-oh.

This is how it started with Marvel. A few years ago, Aldi had a similar shelf like this, for "Disney's Marvel" toys. At first I thought they were bootlegs, but upon inspection, all the toys checked out as legit, and are mass sold at Walgreen's and Wal*Mart. Back then I shrugged it off. Now? If I want to apply for an inker's position at Marvel, I have to go through disney.go.com/xd/marvel/. I'm not laughing now.

So let's say that there is some kind of off-beat truth to the rumor. What would a Disney WWE look like?

Disney doing promotion work for WWF/WWE isn't new. In the 90's they couldn't wait to promote Hulk Hogan, and every other issue of Disney's Adventures had some ad for something WWF or WCW based, so it's not hard to imagine that you'd even see theater ads for Wrestlemania ~ a dream Vince has always held onto.

The Wellness policy would probably be scaled back a bit. After all, many of Disney's former starlets, such as Lindsey Lohan and Miley Cyrus have all claimed that at one point or another, Disney managers have handed the stars anything they need to see "A Whole New World" and they're not above getting a star hooked on a prescription drug, so K2 smokers would likely have nothing to fear, as long as it's in moderation.

The matches themselves would be more corny, to appeal to the tween demographic, so Vince Russo would likely get his job back as booker, and a few writing gigs for their next sitcoms. The action would be toned down only slightly, but not to the level WWE is at right now. And the commercials for "Aww HECK" in a Cell would have the very best sparkles available.

The merchandising would be astounding to say the least.  Ambitious Disney Princess dolls, dressed as Divas, Disney boys in trunks and singlets, everything from paper dolls, coloring books, flash cards, plastic balls and fashion dolls to action figures and logo-printed race cars would be under every Christmas tree, perfectly matching those cute little Disney Princess Ornaments Hallmark sells. T-shirts, magazines, cosplay and special DVD collections would just hit the tip of the iceberg of merchandise.

Special movies would be next, with John Cena and A.J. joining forces with Mickey, Minnie, Wolverine and Storm, to take down Magneato and Pete's new tablet-using Stormtroopers. And every 10-15 minutes, A.J. will break into song about how she longs to find her one true prince, and she'll question whether or not Cena is her true love. Trust issues will have to be put aside though, at least long enough for the team to ride on the Macy's float, Thanksgiving 2014.

And let's not forget television. As I said, Russo would likely write a few episodes of Girl Meets World, while making room for various guest appearances.

At long last too, we'd have a WWE inspired Happy Meal toy ~ collect all 8 WWE spinner figures and you can put the toys together for a giant spinning title belt, while mom and dad enjoy the thin, plastic collector cups and mail away watch.

And a soundtrack. We'd have a Disney approved soundtrack.

And Disneyworld and Disneyland would both have special WWE sections. Who knows? Maybe Godfather will come back, and we can all ride on the HOOOOOooooooo train ~ complete with animatrons singing "Be our Guest" as you become "Part of their world" near Epcot.

The DVD's might prove to be an issue, what with all the censoring the current WWE already does, but considering that Disney already owns A&E and it's Biography channel, the old documentaries would finally be re-aired, uncensored. And since Disney already owns Lifetime, Military History Channel, Hyperion Books, a 27% share of Hulu and LucasArts ~ all responsible for providing questionable, non-family entertainment, and since they used to own Miramax ~ responsible for Scary Movie and Kill Bill, and they've had a hand in other non-family features such as Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, it's likely that they would be more willing to release footage of Hell in a Cell 1998 onto DVD ~ but just for a limited time, you know, before the WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW and AWA tapes go back into the Disney vault.

The only snafu I can think of would be how to entice C.M. Punk to stay in the new company. A smart, grown man with his own brain and broad vocabulary might be tempted to bowing out from Disney with grace... but wait, I forgot.... Disney can bring back the ice cream bars! There may be hope yet.

So here's to the future conglomerate, where Wrestlemania, the grandest stage of them all, could be held at the most magical place on earth.

Parking will be $99 a day.

Subliminal Blue Sparkles

I really love the layout of ABC's World News Now. Rob Nelson and Paula Ferris do an awesome job of relaying breaking news with an upbeat and fun format. Each story gets right to the point, and I enjoy leaving it on overnight.

Last night, I popped the bunny ears into place, just in time to see a news report about addictive video games.

They went to a clinic for people with video game addiction. Now, you would expect to see a bunch of shaken, uncontrollable adolescents with their hands firmly around an XBOX controller, right?

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Almost every single patient there was beyond the age of 40, and 60% of them were women. That's right! There was not a child, tween or teen in sight. Not one minor, not one chip-stained-shirt-wearing 20 something, nope. Every last one of them was someone's mom or dad. Astounding? Keep reading.

The games these people were addicted to were not war games such as Call of Duty (I said duty) or lawless games like Grand Theft Auto, or even platform titles like Super Mario Brothers.

These were casual games. The type that only that old, derpy relative you have would buy. You know the one, the lady or gent who only talks to you on purpose maybe 2-5 times a year, never bothers to keep up with your interests and then gets all butt hurt when you don't right away kiss their asses for that lame gift you got. The same one that ruins Christmas or Hanukkah dinners with the lame excuse of "I didn't HAVE TO get you ANYTHING you know". Yeah. That one.

These adults were addicted to games like FarmVille, Catz, Dogz, and other cheaply produced games built off of the concept of daily chores. FarmVille was focused on most in the piece, because it's easily accessible. As long as you have internet access, you can legally play the game for free, though they do charge real people money for high-end sprites.

This perked up my ears. While I don't spend too much time with it, I am a FarmVille player.

I'm not an expert at it, but it's kind of fun to play a game with friends who live far away. 5-10 minutes every other week is about what I give myself for it. But I did know about people who were more addicted. I've heard of people playing it for 8-12 hours a day. That's a job schedule. So I watched more of the show to see why people were getting addicted to this.

Turns out, the games are structured to give you a sense of reward quicker. There aren't as many obstacles to face as with regular games, but that's not the only part.

Every 6 seconds, these games give off a blue sparkle effect.

Blue is a relaxing color, which seems to allow the game to more easily access the reward center of the brain. The relaxing color when splashed with white entices the player's visual center, because let's face facts here, blue sparkles look awesome. It looks whimsical and magical, intriguing you to sit closer, and follow where the game is going. It's almost the same effect as if you were to play at a Las Vegas casino ~ the same casinos which also have games with large amounts of blue sparkles.

Now this got me curious. Casual games aren't the only things with blue sparkles in them. And the sparkle effect reminded me of something else, accused of granting addictions. 

Disney's Cinderella.

Think about it. Every year, little girls all over the country go insane for Cinderella. 

Oh sure, the movie itself doesn't seem to hold a kid's attention for very long, and essentially it is a film about a bullied young woman who plays with mice, being used as a slave in (literally) her own home, and how a fancy pair of shoes entices a total stranger to want to marry her, (Questionable much?) but still, every holiday season, parents are caught scrambling at the mall, trying to find anything of her.

At first, I thought that it had to have been the blonde/red hair. Marketing agencies are constantly shoving blonde girls into the public eye, but Cinderella's hair only appears blonde in the promotional photos. If you watch the actual film, her hair goes from being orange-yellow to brown to strawberry blonde. There's no consistency with the color. Furthermore, Aurora from Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel from Tangled are each 4 times as blonde as Cinderella, and don't seem to grasp onto a kid's attention half as long.

So I thought the blue eyes and bold pinks and blues of the film must be it, but then Sleeping Beauty uses a similar color palette. Again, Cinderella is more popular.

Is it because the film is more harsh, appealing to the same inner troll that thinks Annoying Orange is groundbreaking, Emmy worthy material? No, equally harsh Disney cartoons have much shorter fanbases than this. The cartoon mice? No, again, if this were the case, there would be more Black Friday deaths caused by Mickey and Minnie Mouse than Cinderella.

But with this finding, I now know. Watch the film again. Everything from the Fairy Godmother scene to the ending credits is coated in blue sparkles.

I'm sure nobody at Disney back then was thinking about subliminal advertising. After all, each princess after Snow White has had different colored sparkles adorning her costume and poster. But seemingly only Disney films that have been splashed with blue colored sparkles are the ones girls beg for the most.

Think about every movie that has been your favorite. Every TV show. What enticed you to watch? This isn't just a Disney or casual game issue, there's an awful lot of things that we have that are covered with blue sparkles. Think hard, did anybody really get into the Twilight movies for the story?

The cast has sincere trust issues, half of the cast are the walking dead, and the main character has no personality whatsoever, and has a baby with an undead teen boy. Do you know what happens to the body after death? That glistening effect is really gross. But it's blue, enticing the public to watch.

It's no different with anime titles. Think about some of the shows you may have tried. Did you watch because your friends told you to? Because it was popular? 

I'm even looking back at my usual TV choices. For years, I heard that in Japan, when Sailormoon was brand new, Sailor Mercury was the show's most popular character. At first I thought it was because she's quiet, well behaved, the smartest of the Sailor Senshi, and very much into traditional values. But maybe not?

Aside from being easy on the eyes and adding a feeling of awe to any picture, blue sparkles also remind us of the stars. When you see something glimmering in blue, you're reminded of a clear sky at night. You're reminded of comfort and romance, bedtime, gorgeous gems, maybe even strong energy attacks. The brain picks up on those memories or ideas that you have, enticing you to explore whatever it is that's sparkling.

Pink, red, green, yellow, these other colors don't seem to work as well. But blue, purple, aqua and teal sparkles hit the reward center of the brain, giving the viewer a feeling similar to getting high. And you don't even have to stare at them to get the effect. It can glimmer from the corner of your eye for just 6 seconds, that's all the brain needs to pick up on.

Makes you wonder, how much of what you like.... do you really?

Why would I need Microsoft Word to flip burgers?

I have officially had it with the people you have to answer to if you want to get a job. I know damned well the people I applied to over the last month will not be taking me in, so I have no bones about calling them out.

Every day, I read articles from "experts" about all the buzzwords your supposed to use, what's in and out with cover letters, how to proofread your resume. Not a single bit of it works.

Furthermore, why should I bend over backwards, walk on eggshells and try to make every email to your company look Shakespeare-approved, when I can't stop counting typos in your job listings?! I recently saw a job opening ad in the newspaper (yes, I still read those) where the company misspelled the phrase "program editor" I shit you not, they said "You can be a preditor! That's program-editor to you, and it's totally the hottest in thing!" This is in a newspaper?? It looks like a 14 year old from the 90's wrote it. And yes, it was complete with the word "Biggie". Where do I start?

The thing I hate most is that most of these companies, such as Wal*Mart, Spencer's, Hot Topic and the evil and chinsy Macy*s, do not have the common decency to even send me a "thanks but no thanks" rejection letter. Instead, I get silence in my inbox and a moody district manager hanging up on me.

I don't care who you are, that is immature and unprofessional. Screw your millions, if the tables were turned, and I just hung up on you, you'd call me a rude bitch, label me a scam artist ~ and you would be correct in thinking so. So don't be surprised when I start posting on Facebook that the lot of you are exactly that, scam artists.

You should also not be surprised if you're labeled a fraud next time you ask me to work for free. Sorry, but Abraham Lincoln did not enact the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing my ancestors from the plantation, just so I can hop, skip, and jump my ass right back onto yours two centuries later. I have never had a "massa" to answer to before, and I will not start now.

To be fair, the ones that are involved in my favorite sport (Wrestling) will have their names changed. Why? Well it's not to prevent a lawsuit, since they do not appear to have any money, it's because they already know who they are and I've already sent word to those I can trust, letting them know to avoid them like the plague.

As for McDonald's and the rest of them, screw you with the Hambugler you rode in on. I'm calling you out.

For the record, I'm also sick of people turning my hand-drawn art down, so they can use a DeviantArt tracing some hack did of a Dragonball Z character, (seriously, I at least TRY to use the guy's actual skin color in my pics, I don't try to pass around a Hispanic Krillin for a wrestler) and I'm quite sick of seeing people choose cartoons from blatant cheaters, who in lieu of drawing a wrestler or celebrity on their own, choose to churn out a pre-rendered Flash cartoon of a monkey semi-dressed as C.M. Punk. Hey, I may not be Ub Iwerks, but at least my Chibi Punk looks like him:

But that is another story. This blog is about full time employment.

I applied for a cartooning gig with a wrestling company. For the sake of this blog, I won't be using their actual name, they don't deserve the publicity. So let's pretend it's W.C.S.W. (That's Wanker Champion Shit Wrestling to you.) Now to be fair, I've been warned before that the promoter is not easy to deal with, and only focuses on ex-WWE wrestlers and his super young "home grown" wrestlers ~ because everyone else abandoned him months ago. But hey, my house is set to become a Wal*Mart so forgive me for not looking before I leap. I'll try to do that more often.

So Sunday-into-Monday I see a post that they "need" a cartoonist. I sent along a few samples, please and thank you, did my best to be polite and include different styles of drawing.

Monday. No email.
Tuesday. No email.
Wednesday. No email.

I checked back on the Facebook page where I saw the job listing. Yes, because that's how we do business these days. Facebook.

I checked the AOL email address in a Google search to make sure this was not a spam email. Right, because AOL is so current in 2012. Uh-huh. Email checks out to be active and safe.

Nothing. No reports, no "we're considering a few" nothing.

I check their events page to see if maybe this was one of those rare places that does a show in the middle or early part of the week.

Nope. Next show is the week after Christmas. This guy has oodles and boodles of time to answer an email.

Finally, it's 9:30 at night, and the Facebook page updates. But it's not about the cartooning gig, oh no. They want to let the promoter talk about how sassy "Cassidy" is. (Cassidy is NOT her ring name.)

Never mind that "Cassidy" looks like a couple of meat patties in a blonde wig, or that her ring gear consists of two pieces of ribbon, and that her "promo pic" has her vagina hanging outside of said ribbon for everyone to see (by the way, their next show is legit an all ages event) no, that's not my problem. My problem is that the promoter is so focused on "Cassidy" that he has totally forgotten that he posted a job opportunity on Facebook ~ and doesn't have the courtesy to email me back a "yes" or "no" response.

But W.C.S.W. is not the only "business" to pull this shit on me. Like I said before, Wal*Mart, McDonald's and all the rest of the retail dream team have done this too. No class at all.

And then when I do get word back, I'm told that I'm "over-qualified". What kind of excuse is that? If I am over-qualified, wouldn't that make me more desirable instead of less? Think about it, if I'm over-qualified, that means I can do more than the average worker, and you can probably train me on a higher level. Oh wait, I see the problem. I'm over-qualified. Therefore, I could take your cute little managerial job out from under you. Ah. I see. Afraid much?

99% of the applications I have filled out have asked me the same, stupid question. And I'd love to know why they need this piece of information.

"Are you trained to work with Microsoft Word, Excel or Power Point?"

Wanna know the last application I saw that on?

For real. They wanted me to have a bachelor's degree in either the arts or business, and knowledge of Microsoft Word.

TO FLIP BURGERS????

Not only didn't they hire me, they ended up hiring someone from Mexico, who can't speak English all that well and has nothing but a G.E.D. Why then would they turn me down, based on whether or not I can use Word and have a B.A.?? If I need a degree and Word to know how to flip burgers, I need to see a doctor.

Several video editing job applications also require you to know Microsoft Word.

I have Microsoft Word.

It is NOT programmed to edit videos.

It is not programmed to edit sound.

It is programmed to spell check blogs, print documents and do basic HTML design.

Odds are good that if I'm editing a video for you, I won't need Microsoft Word as it is incompatible with video editing software, such as Sony Vegas and Final Cut Pro.

And if you don't know that Microsoft Word does NOT edit video, then I must believe that you sir or mad man are a fraud, and should be nowhere near the video industry, as even a 1st grader could have told you this.

My favorite excuse so far has been from GameStop. "We can't hire you because you don't know Mandarin Chinese."

Let's explore that one. An Illinois based company, stationed in the United States of America, with a store in Indiana, that specializes in Japanese import video games, wants me to know how to speak Mandarin Chinese... to customers that only speak Spanish.

If that makes no sense to you, you are mentally okay.

I have more social networking accounts than I know what to do with. Every year I get saddled with another and another, because "industry experts" claim that if you don't have ALL the networks in the world, you're just not "with it". The only account so far that has been of any use to me has been Facebook. All ODesk seemed to do was get me hacked, and LinkedIn provided me with nothing but rude, intrusive people from India, hounding me with emails, asking me who I think I am, where do I live and why don't I have a man to answer to. How does THAT information get me a steady job?? And no you may NOT have my bank account number, that's very rude.

I'm constantly under attack from people ~ even in my own blood family ~ who are like "that's cute you do websites and draw pictures, but why can't you get a REEEEEEEAL job (i.e. cubicle, nursing or retail) like Iiiiii used ta have" well lemme tell you sumpthin' "Sparky", freelance work is the ONLY work I can get. Why? Because I alone have the power to hire me, and I've decided to give myself a promotion.

The people who pick on me the most about my choice of work, seem to be themselves unemployed. I would say "You shouldn't cast stones in glass houses" but I daily encourage these people to stand inside their glass houses, and throw the biggest boulder possible. Maybe a few nice shards to the head will poke out the part of the brain that makes you a jackass.

I know it's not considered the "professional" or "nice" thing right now to call out those that make it difficult for the rest of us to earn a living wage, but at this point, you're going to have to pay me to care:

Punk's push and Ryback is Swagger... uh-oh.

When I wrote "They're trying to kill Punk's push" back in October, his DVD had just come out, and despite the disc set, the video game and all of the pre-Christmas merchandise focused on C.M. Punk, the WWE was still keeping him heel and trying to downgrade him on television. This week his match was mid-carded. Yeah, nothing says "respect for the champ" like a mid-card match and a half-debate with Miz.

But despite their best efforts, Heyman and Punk are the only reasons anybody was watching. At least until Moxley and Black (*AHEM* Ambrose and Rollins) jumped up onto television, copying TNA's Aces & Eights story of mayhem. In fact if those two (Punk and Heyman) were to walk tomorrow, that charming 2.8-3.1 rating they've been boasting about would drop to a 1.97, easy. And this is me being very generous. Isn't it funny how the only people anyone really cares about on Raw came from ECW, ROH, CZW and DragonGate/EVOLVE?

Seeing the WWE try oh so very hard to kill Punk's push, I knew two things.

1. They're trying to kill Punk's push

2. Ryback is spelled J-A-C-K-S-W-A-G-G-E-R.

So how do you screw up a champion then? Simple. Don't let him take ANY time off.

It's happened before.

Cena wasn't allowed time off, worked all the house shows and all the shows WWE asked of him. Was sidelined back in October after having freak elbow surgery.

Orton was worked to the bone, not allowed more than two days off ~ which he worked through for the DVD. January reports came out that his back was in need of repair with stories of a slipped disc permeating WWE's website. He could have been paralyzed from the waist down, and all WWE could say was "How soon can you be back?"

Eddie Guerrero worked non-stop in 2005. The minute he said he wasn't feeling well, and Batista told the office he was sweating alot, Eddie was told to "quit playing". He died at a hotel while on the road for them. You would think they'd learn after losing a talent like that!!

Undertaker is in the state he's in physically because they never let the poor man rest. They blame him for "wanting" to work harder, but at this point I don't buy it. While he may easily be one of the most loyal wrestlers they've ever had, I'm concerned that they pushed him harder than he lets on.

And I could go on, but I don't have to. It's already happened again.

C.M. Punk just had emergency surgery to remove a piece of torn meniscus that had locked up his knee and to trim cartilage. At first, WWE reported that this was the result of Ryback putting him through a table, but the doctor is adamant that this is the result of endless wear and tear, in short, the WWE NEVER LET PUNK REST!!

The PPV is in two weeks and the odds are good that either the WWE will force Punk to work through the PPV and drop the belt ~ OR ~ they will vacate the title and let someone else nab it. Who is that someone?

Ryback.

Now let me be clear. I do not hate the former Skip Sheffield. I pity him. This man has had to put up with alot more than those baby blues can tell you. Since 2004, he's been in and out of developmental, dragged onto Tough Enough 4, schlepped through the first NXT, handed a cowboy gimmick in the post Brokeback Mountain world, and then handed RVD's singled and told to answer to the stupid name of Ryback.

Now everyone who sees the man wrestle says the same, obnoxious thing.

"KI-DERP!! Him am Goldberg. It am the same as Crimson."

There is NO correlation between Goldberg or Ryback. The two streaks aren't even close to the same. The moves are different, the booking is different, you'd have an easier time telling me that Khali is ripping off of Giant Gonzales and Silva.

Ryback is not being set up to be the next Bill Goldberg.

He's the new Jack Swagger.

Think about it.

Just a short time ago, a boy in an RVD style singlet (and similar body type) came out to an equally stupid name, and was real quick sent into a slue of squash matches. Everyone said he was the new Goldberg. Boy was not even in the spotlight for a full year before they started saying he'd get the strap. It wasn't long before he was given a Money in the Bank case, complete with a title shot.

Boy didn't even hold a belt more than a month. He lost the title in a bullshit four way that saw the injury prone, over 40 and threatening to retire Rey Mysterio Jr. take the damn thing back.

After the fight, he wasn't even considered for another title run. He was sent further and further down the card, and barely even appears on TV anymore.

Now we have Ryback. He's scheduled to take the belt, and if he does, he faces The Rock barely a month later. Not only is The Rock over 40, injury prone and has been threatening to retire for good, he also has a habit of leaving for months ~ if not YEARS ~ at a time, playing backstage politics and let's not forget, that if he gets the strap, he's facing John Cena at Wrestlemania for it.

Is this the best WWE has to offer? Can they really afford another "paper champ" after all this hype, as they did to Swagger? With slumping sales, dismal stocks and Linda having put the McMahon family 90 million dollars in the hole?? In the words of Miz, REALLY???

UPDATE: Well after sending this blog around, it looks like we have a late-breaking change:

It was announced at the Smackdown taping that Ryback will team with Daniel Bryan and Kane to face The Shield in a six-man tag match.

Good cover there, WWE. Toss out the title for TLC and then hyper push Punk for the Rumble with The Rock. I've seen it all before.

UPDATE #2: And now Vince himself posts the following:

Ryback is getting a shot in the "near future". Keep your eyes open.

Think about it. Have YOU ever heard of a TLC match that ends in pinfall or submission?? HAVE YOU?! Don't we call those Hardcore matches??

Christmas is April 17th ~ A short history of Christmas Folklore

Every year, usually right before Thanksgiving, some angry Santa-hater starts posting spam photos on Facebook, 10-15 minute long videos on YouTube ~ complete with outdated and incorrect information ~ and of course, when an innocent passer-by dares to say "Happy Holidays" this person will belittle them in the most loud and boisterous way possible.

When it's brought to their attention that they're acting like a regular scrooge, they hide behind one excuse:

"I'm trying to put CHRIST back in CHRIST-mas!!"

I always find amusement in the bah-humbuggery, because not a single one of these people seem to know how un-Jesus like they're acting.

For those who don't believe, Jesus was said to have been easy going, un-hating and if you read Matthew 21:12, was actually against the church.

I also take amusement in finding out how many hate the term "Happy Holidays".

Oh have you heard the whining before?

"Most REAL 'Mericans Celebrate CHRISTMAS. You should too or GET OUT OF MAH CUNTRY"

First of all, it's MY country. I'm part Native American. If you're going to spread hate, I'd rather you move.

Second, Jesus would never wan you to turn people out of any country, based on belief. He was a person who believed in the phrase "Love thy Neighbor" not "Get offa mah property".

Third, Jesus was a Jew who was known as "Jesus of Nazareth" which is located in Israel, a country in Asia. It's more likely he would celebrate Hanukkah, and likely wouldn't turn his nose up at Kwanzaa, as that holiday is said to celebrate Unity. Last time I looked at a map, Israel and Asia were both as far from America as you can possibly get.

Fourth, it's "America". Not "Merica". Learn to say my country's name right.

And yet most of my issues with this form of Yuletide Christmas Bullying fall onto deaf ears. Look, I may not be a very religious person, but even I read the 10 commandments, specifically the part with "Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image, nor any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above". That specifically outlines pictures and statues of God, Jesus, Mary and the rest of His family. So you may want to think twice next time you try to spam Facebook with images of Jesus, it's kind of a sin.

December 25th has never truthfully been a day for religion at all. It origins are much more earthly and dare I say Pagan than what the average church follower believes, and actually putting the name of Jesus onto the full version of the holiday, might be a form of disrespect, rather than celebration.

Back in 2002, The History Channel ran a fascinating documentary called The Research of Holy Night, it was a great show and I'm sorry it isn't aired more often. If you can find a DVD I suggest giving it a try.

In the documentary, scientists, historians and astronomers all compared the writings of the Bible to world history and the alignment of the stars. Dr. Michael R. Molnar was able to locate the fabled Star of Bethlehem, and found that the exact date of Jesus's birth is really April 17th, 6 B.C. It's a no brainer when you read the New Testament. Sheep herders would not have been outside in December, but they would have been sleeping under the stars with the sheep around April. Also, there are clues in the book, alluding to the notion that the date of his birth is also close to what we now call Easter. A decent write up on this is located here.

Now what we call Christianity didn't actually start up until after The Resurrection, with it starting as an off-shoot branch of Judaism. (Remember, Jesus was a Jew, not a Christian.) The term "Christians" used to be a slang term for essentially the fans of Jesus. Most Romans used this more as a slur than a description.

Well not long after Christianity started looking less like a slang term and more like a cult/religion, Romans started offing them left and right. It was made clear that they would be targeted, even during holidays. So what could be done?

Simple, hide the holidays.

Easter and Good Friday (Why is it good? Jesus was MURDERED that day, that's not good at all!) were easy. They were hidden during Spring Solstice, which is a celebration of birth and rebirth. The flowers that had died off during Autumn and Winter seem to "spring back" to life, new plants sprout, and it's also a favorable mating season for many animals. Images of baby bunnies and chicks are often a good sign of fertility and renewal, so it was easy to hide the festivities of Jesus's rebirth here.

BUT they opted not to add in his birthday, otherwise the Romans could have figured out what they were doing. So, they decided to celebrate the birth of Jesus by pushing his birthday to December 25th.

December 25th is the biggest, baddest, mamma-jamma party day of the year, smack in the middle of Winter Solstice. It was a time celebrated with heavy drinking, gifts and general goofing off. Picture the world's biggest frat party. The Christians decided that there was no better way to celebrate Jesus than with the biggest feast of them all. So this was a natural choice.

It was supposed to be TEMPORARY.

But by the time that it was no longer a punishable-by-death offence to be a Christian in Rome, the descendants of these early Christians had forgotten when the actual date of Jesus's birth was. Re-checking their older scriptures did not prompt them to even try and push the date back to even the right month, instead opting to leave it where it was. Because you know... it's tradition.

Yes, tradition. To celebrate the birthday of the person they love most on the WRONG day, during the WRONG month, during the WRONG season. And in the middle of Winter Solstice, the most biggest, Pagan holiday of the year. Christians decided this. Ah... what?

Winter Solstice itself has had a changing in it's meaning. At first it was just a celebration of the onset of Winter and the upcoming change in the calendar. Some would add in an extra feast in honor of a God or spirit, but these traditions vary by area, and for the most part, it was a holiday devoid of modern day religion.

 Now in 270 a.d. was born a wonderful man named Nikolaos. During his 73 years of life, he did many good deeds just because he felt like it, and after death was made into a saint. A few hundred years later, people began seeing images of him once more doing good deeds, and eventually the legend of him leaving treats for good children on December 5th-into-6th spread. It is now a holiday. In some areas of the world however, people do not believe this is the same man, and instead refer to the December 6th trinket-leaver as Sinterklaas.

Saint Nicholas/Sinterklaas is NOT Santa Claus!!

Another holiday goof is the notion that Saint Nicholas and Santa are one and the same. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Saint Nicholas was over 6 feet tall and quite skinny. Santa is a short elf.

In 1773, people began claiming they had seen a rotund gift giver, also answering to the name Sinterklaas. But by 1803 this name was re-printed in newspapers as Santa Claus.

Santa was originally described as an elf, just a few inches tall, riding a turkey. Over the years, it changed to a 4-6 foot tall, chubby elf, traveling with reindeer. It wasn't until 1821 however, that the elf began leaving presents for children. But the reason for this isn't as merry as you've been told.

Winter Solstice by this point was a quiet, somber (and sometimes outlawed) time, to give thanks for still having children. Kids in the pre-20th Century world didn't always live past 10. A family could start the year with 6-7 kids, and then end the year with just 1-2. Disease, abuse, child labor, these were all things that often times shortened the lifespan of children ~ especially in the United States. So by Christmastime, parents were often finding joy in still being "Mom and Dad".

What better way is there to celebrate a child than by giving him toys?

While some Christians toiled over the notion that Santa Claus was now a part of the holiday they made up, other Christians welcomed him, claiming that the gift giving was synonymous with the Three Wise Men giving gifts to Mary for baby Jesus.

Again, a misnomer. While the Wise Men did give gifts, they were NOT to celebrate baby Jesus's birth. They were given in preparation for Jesus's early death, a future the Wise Men had a premonition about, long before finding the boy.

Gold: This was given to help pay for a final resting place.

Frankincense and Myrrh: Embalming preservatives that are known to dry out the body after death.

These were not gifts of merriment. The reminder of this part of the Bible was not a welcome one back then for most parents.

Another gift that is spoken of (but also not really a gift) is the fruit cake. While today it is baked and given during Christmastime, it's really just a convenient way to make the fruit last through the winter. Picture a lightly sweet cake-casserole, but with the consistency of a cold brick. Again, there is no basis in religion for it, it's just a really thick mass.

Eggnog also has no religious background, but a non-alcoholic version goes great over ice cream!

The Yule Log was originally just a large piece of tree, that was burned in thanks to the universe for all that was received during the year. It started as a Winter Solstice tradition, and morphed into another ritual for Christmas.

Mistletoe (a known poison and parasitic plant) also has no modern-day religious ties. It's just a plant people kiss under.

Then there's the Christmas Tree:

At first, the holiday tree, garlands and wreaths, were all symbols of eternal life. In some areas of the world, it was used as a device to scare off demonic spirits. Then in the 14th and 15th centuries, the tree was decorated with apples and wafers on December 24th. This was to commemorate the tale of Adam, Eve and the Tree of Life. The apples represented the forbidden fruit, and the wafers represented redemption. 

Off and on from 1444 until 1841, the tree was banned, brought back, banned and brought back again, all over the world. In 1841, Queen Victoria made the tree popular again, this time for good, but all of it's ties to Adam and Eve had been completely dropped, and it was known as the perfect centerpiece for Christmas presents, it's ties to Christianity's Christmas being more of a coincidence than an on-purpose item. Still, it provided the best spot for placing gifts. Only in Germany was it consistently a "Christmas" tree.

Traditionally, holidays based on events in the Bible were celebrated with just a very big meal, and usually this meal follows a period of fasting, though not all holidays have this period.

One curious Christmas tradition however is the Christmas Ham. 

Jesus was not only a Jew, he was the king thereof. Ergo he would have stuck to a Kosher diet.

Now it does state somewhere in the New Testament that all sins are absolved through Him, but this is a passage that generally is spotted AFTER his murder. Prior to this, he would have had to access to ham or any reason to eat it, as most of the places where he was spotted had people living in them that also stuck to a Kosher diet.

Much of what we call Christmas only has Christ in the title. The actual Jesus aspect of it is celebrated on the wrong day, and any notion that December 25th should be a day of religion, is at best a misunderstanding of old traditions, and at worst sacrilege. (And often a topic of issue for believers.)

Why did I say sacrilege? Simple. Not only do we still have people celebrating on the wrong day, we also celebrate it in the current millennium with corporate greed, and gifts so expensive, people are willing to kill each other for them. 

I'm not a very religious person, but I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't want you to punch a woman over a smart phone. I'm also certain he'd take issue with corporations overworking and underpaying children in China, just so you can have that cute little $600 piece of plastic. And on a similar note, I'm certain that Saint Nick ~ being the patron saint of children ~ would also take umbrage at that.

So if you're serious about putting Christ back into Christmas, you need to start celebrating Christmas on April 17th. Have December 25th return to being a Winter Solstice, Santa-driven sleigh-ride of presents type of holiday, and you can return the proper Christmas in April, into being what it should have been all along.

A quiet dinner in Spring.

Share if you agree.

Little Shop ~ Little Shop(ping trip) of HORRORS ♫

If you can read this, and you are still at home, wondering if you should venture out for Black Friday...

*Shakes violently* FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY WITH CAT PISS, STAY YO' ASS AT HOME!!

We have the internet for cripes sakes!! Swallow your shipping pride and do it at home. Trust me when I say THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD WORTH SHOPPING BLACK FRIDAY!!

As I type this, I'm looking at a photo Johnny Gargano posted from inside a dangerous Wal*Mart:

Now you may see this picture, and just think "WOW! Maybe the economy is looking up? Look how many people are shopping like it's the end of the world."

But to veteran shoppers, it's a shell shock of a reminder of Xmas past.

Recently, I wrote about the first, last and only Black Friday I ever worked in retail. If you are out there working through the holiday pre-weekend right now, you have my respect. I don't wish that barbaric warfare on anyone. Not even the future workers for the Wal*Mart that may stand where my house is. Nope, not even them. If you ever want to know what savage, guerrilla combat feels like, 'tis the season.

The biggest problem are these stores never ordering enough merchandise to meet the mass hysteria. If I owned a Wal*Mart, and had the same amount of cash CEO Michael Duke has in his swimming pool, I'd line the damn store in Nintendos and TV sets. Screw the sweatpants kiosk! I'm ditching the canned beans shelf and just lining it with electronics and Elmos. (Too soon? Sorry...)

But this blog isn't about working on that fateful day, oh no. This is about shopping.

I once survived a series of Black Fridays ~ most of them in the SAME YEAR. If that thought alone doesn't terrify you, wait, it gets better.

Now coming into this world, I remember seeing bootleg tapes of the Cabbage Patch massacre of 1983. The tapes I think belonged to my mom's ex-co-worker. I wasn't born until 86, but I have seen the footage. Moms ripping the dolls from children's hands, dads punching moms, cars being tipped over, it was a frightening sight! But watching these tapes prepared me for the 1990's and beyond.

The early and mid 90's shopping seasons were bizarre. Power Rangers fever hit the nation, but God forbid should a Bradlee's bother to stock the damn things. Perish the thought. They'd order ONE box of eight, and then act all surprised when 30 parents come in, wanting a Green Ranger. I learned how to climb carts and ride as a human shield in the winter of 1994. Yeah, call me crazy, but I still have a plush White Ranger. What'chu got? Exactly.

But then in 1996 came a toy that could have started a civil war:

Now granted, my brother (then 4) wasn't really into Sesame Street, so he didn't seem to notice the doll. We were spared. But many parents would fight in the streets over the doll. I remember once just barely getting my brother to safety, when two people were threatening to club each other to death for that and a handful of Beanie Babies.

UGH... Beanie Babies. Don't get me started. ><

Well one such day, I went to a K-Mart with my mom and brother, and there, hidden in the spots department, was a shelf full of Tickle Me Elmos. I guess the staff had hidden the dolls from plain sight, hoping to take a few home for themselves.

Now I did something I probably shouldn't have. And karma does have a way of catching up to you... but I couldn't resist.

I pushed the shelf back into view, and then secretly activated ALL of the dolls.

I darted behind an aisle, just as a mom with a toddler walked up.

"Look honey! It's Tickle Me Elmo! And the mean old shop keepers said they were out."

No sooner did she lift her hand did ALL of the motion sensors go off.

HA HA HEE HEE HA HA HEE HEE HA HA HEE HEE

The little girl started crying. The mom grabbed her, screamed "DEMON DOLLY" and ran for her life. Mama and I spent the day activating all of the dolls, and waiting for people to freak out. By the 5th or 6th time though, all the batteries started to die, and Elmo's baby-like voice, morphed into a deep, demonic "MWA HA HEE HEEEEE HAAAAA HAAAA HEEE HEEEEEE" sound.

Now it's naughty, but I still do this. I've actually been thanked by parents who are looking for ways to ween their kids off of the latest trends. Two years ago, a dad shook my hand after I set off an electronic Mickey doll. The dad got to see first hand that it was too loud and that it wouldn't last. After 2-3 times the doll was set off, it keeled over, rammed it's hand up and down over it's pants and just screamed "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" before sparking and setting off a Target alarm. Needless to say, that father bought his daughter a quiet Lego set, instead of Mickey.

Karma did strike me a few years ago, when Hokey Pokey Elmo debuted. I set one of them off, and he dove off the side of the shelf. Feeling a little guilty, I knelt down to pick him back up.

Suddenly, the doll rolled, propping his feet against a display shelf. He started following me, and I must say the motion sensor was quite strong on this one. "ELMO WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU GOING??" screamed the plush as he chased me down the aisle.

But perhaps the worst Black Friday would be the Black Friday of 2000. EVERY Friday from the week before Thanksgiving until the week of Christmas was Black Friday, and I still have the wounds.

Every Sailormoon doll I own from 1999-2001 is like a tiny badge of honor. Anybody saying that this was an unpopular show with a niche audience, probably never lived in Chicagoland. I was beaten every week by little old ladies with canes, little girls with reflexes like spider monkeys and hostile psycho bitches wielding pepper spray ~ which until 2000 I thought was a salad topping. I didn't used to need reading glasses!!

This is my 12 inch Tuxedo Mask doll. He sits proudly on a shelf, less like an anime action figure and more like a trophy.

On the third Black Friday of 2000, I found him sitting way back on the shelf, the final Tuxedo Mask in the world at this point. Chibiusa's father had sold out at every other store in the world, including online stores, and there were plenty of photos of crazy bitches online, posing with him as if to say "Sailor Moon ain't got nothin' on ME" (If that scares you... GOOD.)

I had him in the cart. The K-Mart appeared empty. Mom turned her back for a split second, just to price an action figure for my brother.

Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky pops a woman that would make Madea seem as innocent as a kitten. She reaches into the cart, and grabs at Tuxedo Mask.

I slapped her hand out of the cart, and reached inside to secure him.

"I wantz that Tuxedo Mask doll. You don' need no damn doll. Ain't you too damn old to be liking DOLLS??" Chides Sharquella of the damned. (I wouldn't know her name, except it was sticking out from a tag she had in her purse.)

"Ain't YOU too old to be snatching dolls up outta other people's carts???" I snapped back.

She sunk her claws into my shoulder. I started bleeding.

"Gimmie dat doll!!" She bellowed. I refused to budge.

Mama whipped around with security, asking this woman to kindly remove her claws from my shoulder. Wanna know what Sharquella says?

"Aw c'mon now, y'all know I'm jus playin' right?" Just playing. Yeah. While my shoulder is spurting.

I may have a scar on my shoulder, but I still have Tuxedo Mask.

But I didn't have the chance to heal up from this battle wound. Just two weeks later, we had to go to the mall. I'm not kidding here when I say my DAD wanted a necklace and a tiara for Christmas. The only places back then that had them cheap were all in the mall.

Well most of the day seemed alright, if not unusually quiet. This was my brother's first Black Friday since his medication had stabilized, so we were going to celebrate his ability to walk again with a short trip to KB Toys. Ah KB. How I miss thee. Bah Humbug, Gnats, Nerts and a hardy and robust Fuck You with a frozen pineapple to Bain Capital for killing one of the greatest stores since Marshal Fields. (Fuck Macy's.)

But the closer we got to KB, the louder the sound of thunder was. A few steps farther, and my eyes adjusted to a horrific sight.

Crammed in the store, where several large, angry soccer moms.

Now when I say large, I do not mean "HERPDEDERP DEY IS FAT" Nu-no.

I mean large as in Mark Henry. Just imagine a bunch of Mark Henry, only Caucasian, blonde and with really ugly Target clothes. (And yes, they were bearded.) These women could have easily bench-pressed an early 70's BMW... one handed.

Orion's eyes got HUGE. My mom pushed down his coat around his elbows and kissed each of his cheeks.

"Mama.... are we gonna die??" Orion asked, his voice going up a few octaves.

I stretched, pushed my own coat down and put Vaseline over my cheekbones. Mama motioned her right hand in the shape of the cross over her body.

"MAMA?!?!" Orion yelped.

"Remember the plan?" Mama nodded to me. "On your mark... get set... GO!!!"

Snatching Orion's hand, I ran as fast as I could, blowing right under a 7 foot pair of legs.

I leap up through the doll aisle, snatching a Hello Kitty and a Sailor Mars. Make a turn for the action figure aisle, snatching up a few Pokemon, chucking a few at Orion. "USE YOUR RIGHT!!" I yelled as he grabbed a few just in time. A twist past the wrestling display grants me a Chibi Road Dogg and Big Show roller set. Another twist and I'm in the plushie aisle, grabbing one more Pokemon, when suddenly-

"KORI KORI KORI SOMEONES GOT ME!!" Some psycho bitch had grabbed Orion's jacket and was screaming "GIVE ME JIGGLYPUFF AND NOBODY DIES!!" I punched the woman, but she wouldn't let go. "ORION DROP THE ARMS!!" His coat falls backwards, causing the woman to fall, taking three more with her. I double back for all the lost toys, using the coat as a make-shift bag. (Bless you recalled and choke-able drawstrings!) The I snatch Orion up and start blowing past the video games.

Mama is at the counter, having just fought off a woman over a Pikachu keychain. Greedy bitch had 7 of her own, and tried to steal from my Mama! Bitch you got 7 and they're all the SAME keychain!! Mama screams "I'M OPEN!!" while elbowing another mom aside.

I grabbed Orion by the shirt, feeling the mom I punched earlier reaching for my coat. I pushed a few toys into his arms and chucked him as hard as I could. "LIVE!!!"

Orion tumbled, rolled and hit's Mama's leg. "HERE!!!" He screams, handing up the toys.

I start chucking Pokemon at Mama. She's rolling the toys over the scanner herself, as the cashier is too busy trying not to pee herself as the other moms and dads started climbing the Nintendo display behind her.

I start running at top speed, the final toy in my hands. I leap up and slam dunk the doll onto the scanner as Mama whips out the check. We grab the bags and start running like mad.

"I WANT JIGGLYPUFF!! GIVE ME JIGGLYPUFF!!" Bellows a voice from behind me. I turn and there are 5 angry moms, gunning for us. A compact was chucked at my leg, this bitch was out for blood and a soft, pink Pokemon.

We loaded Orion's little arms down with bags, and then hoisted him up like a sling, running as fast as we could through the mall. Getting to the rental car, I hurled Orion into the backseat and locked him in. Mama and I got in and Mama slammed her foot on the pedal. As she was moving the shift into gear, the moms jumped the damn car!! I turn around as Orion is screaming "DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!!!"

These women had on those super light blue, cosmetic contact lenses, which from a distance made their eyes look icy. But on the back of a windshield as one psycho bitch after another is trying to cut their way into the rental with their keys, it looks less alluring and more like zombie soccer moms trying to break in.

Mama gets the car moving. The zombie soccer moms start falling off after a few miles, still screaming
"I WANT JIGGLYPUFF!!!"

Once home, my mother and I made a vow. Never again. I now do my shopping online, S&H be damned.