Why would I need Microsoft Word to flip burgers?

I have officially had it with the people you have to answer to if you want to get a job. I know damned well the people I applied to over the last month will not be taking me in, so I have no bones about calling them out.

Every day, I read articles from "experts" about all the buzzwords your supposed to use, what's in and out with cover letters, how to proofread your resume. Not a single bit of it works.

Furthermore, why should I bend over backwards, walk on eggshells and try to make every email to your company look Shakespeare-approved, when I can't stop counting typos in your job listings?! I recently saw a job opening ad in the newspaper (yes, I still read those) where the company misspelled the phrase "program editor" I shit you not, they said "You can be a preditor! That's program-editor to you, and it's totally the hottest in thing!" This is in a newspaper?? It looks like a 14 year old from the 90's wrote it. And yes, it was complete with the word "Biggie". Where do I start?

The thing I hate most is that most of these companies, such as Wal*Mart, Spencer's, Hot Topic and the evil and chinsy Macy*s, do not have the common decency to even send me a "thanks but no thanks" rejection letter. Instead, I get silence in my inbox and a moody district manager hanging up on me.

I don't care who you are, that is immature and unprofessional. Screw your millions, if the tables were turned, and I just hung up on you, you'd call me a rude bitch, label me a scam artist ~ and you would be correct in thinking so. So don't be surprised when I start posting on Facebook that the lot of you are exactly that, scam artists.

You should also not be surprised if you're labeled a fraud next time you ask me to work for free. Sorry, but Abraham Lincoln did not enact the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing my ancestors from the plantation, just so I can hop, skip, and jump my ass right back onto yours two centuries later. I have never had a "massa" to answer to before, and I will not start now.

To be fair, the ones that are involved in my favorite sport (Wrestling) will have their names changed. Why? Well it's not to prevent a lawsuit, since they do not appear to have any money, it's because they already know who they are and I've already sent word to those I can trust, letting them know to avoid them like the plague.

As for McDonald's and the rest of them, screw you with the Hambugler you rode in on. I'm calling you out.

For the record, I'm also sick of people turning my hand-drawn art down, so they can use a DeviantArt tracing some hack did of a Dragonball Z character, (seriously, I at least TRY to use the guy's actual skin color in my pics, I don't try to pass around a Hispanic Krillin for a wrestler) and I'm quite sick of seeing people choose cartoons from blatant cheaters, who in lieu of drawing a wrestler or celebrity on their own, choose to churn out a pre-rendered Flash cartoon of a monkey semi-dressed as C.M. Punk. Hey, I may not be Ub Iwerks, but at least my Chibi Punk looks like him:

But that is another story. This blog is about full time employment.

I applied for a cartooning gig with a wrestling company. For the sake of this blog, I won't be using their actual name, they don't deserve the publicity. So let's pretend it's W.C.S.W. (That's Wanker Champion Shit Wrestling to you.) Now to be fair, I've been warned before that the promoter is not easy to deal with, and only focuses on ex-WWE wrestlers and his super young "home grown" wrestlers ~ because everyone else abandoned him months ago. But hey, my house is set to become a Wal*Mart so forgive me for not looking before I leap. I'll try to do that more often.

So Sunday-into-Monday I see a post that they "need" a cartoonist. I sent along a few samples, please and thank you, did my best to be polite and include different styles of drawing.

Monday. No email.
Tuesday. No email.
Wednesday. No email.

I checked back on the Facebook page where I saw the job listing. Yes, because that's how we do business these days. Facebook.

I checked the AOL email address in a Google search to make sure this was not a spam email. Right, because AOL is so current in 2012. Uh-huh. Email checks out to be active and safe.

Nothing. No reports, no "we're considering a few" nothing.

I check their events page to see if maybe this was one of those rare places that does a show in the middle or early part of the week.

Nope. Next show is the week after Christmas. This guy has oodles and boodles of time to answer an email.

Finally, it's 9:30 at night, and the Facebook page updates. But it's not about the cartooning gig, oh no. They want to let the promoter talk about how sassy "Cassidy" is. (Cassidy is NOT her ring name.)

Never mind that "Cassidy" looks like a couple of meat patties in a blonde wig, or that her ring gear consists of two pieces of ribbon, and that her "promo pic" has her vagina hanging outside of said ribbon for everyone to see (by the way, their next show is legit an all ages event) no, that's not my problem. My problem is that the promoter is so focused on "Cassidy" that he has totally forgotten that he posted a job opportunity on Facebook ~ and doesn't have the courtesy to email me back a "yes" or "no" response.

But W.C.S.W. is not the only "business" to pull this shit on me. Like I said before, Wal*Mart, McDonald's and all the rest of the retail dream team have done this too. No class at all.

And then when I do get word back, I'm told that I'm "over-qualified". What kind of excuse is that? If I am over-qualified, wouldn't that make me more desirable instead of less? Think about it, if I'm over-qualified, that means I can do more than the average worker, and you can probably train me on a higher level. Oh wait, I see the problem. I'm over-qualified. Therefore, I could take your cute little managerial job out from under you. Ah. I see. Afraid much?

99% of the applications I have filled out have asked me the same, stupid question. And I'd love to know why they need this piece of information.

"Are you trained to work with Microsoft Word, Excel or Power Point?"

Wanna know the last application I saw that on?

For real. They wanted me to have a bachelor's degree in either the arts or business, and knowledge of Microsoft Word.

TO FLIP BURGERS????

Not only didn't they hire me, they ended up hiring someone from Mexico, who can't speak English all that well and has nothing but a G.E.D. Why then would they turn me down, based on whether or not I can use Word and have a B.A.?? If I need a degree and Word to know how to flip burgers, I need to see a doctor.

Several video editing job applications also require you to know Microsoft Word.

I have Microsoft Word.

It is NOT programmed to edit videos.

It is not programmed to edit sound.

It is programmed to spell check blogs, print documents and do basic HTML design.

Odds are good that if I'm editing a video for you, I won't need Microsoft Word as it is incompatible with video editing software, such as Sony Vegas and Final Cut Pro.

And if you don't know that Microsoft Word does NOT edit video, then I must believe that you sir or mad man are a fraud, and should be nowhere near the video industry, as even a 1st grader could have told you this.

My favorite excuse so far has been from GameStop. "We can't hire you because you don't know Mandarin Chinese."

Let's explore that one. An Illinois based company, stationed in the United States of America, with a store in Indiana, that specializes in Japanese import video games, wants me to know how to speak Mandarin Chinese... to customers that only speak Spanish.

If that makes no sense to you, you are mentally okay.

I have more social networking accounts than I know what to do with. Every year I get saddled with another and another, because "industry experts" claim that if you don't have ALL the networks in the world, you're just not "with it". The only account so far that has been of any use to me has been Facebook. All ODesk seemed to do was get me hacked, and LinkedIn provided me with nothing but rude, intrusive people from India, hounding me with emails, asking me who I think I am, where do I live and why don't I have a man to answer to. How does THAT information get me a steady job?? And no you may NOT have my bank account number, that's very rude.

I'm constantly under attack from people ~ even in my own blood family ~ who are like "that's cute you do websites and draw pictures, but why can't you get a REEEEEEEAL job (i.e. cubicle, nursing or retail) like Iiiiii used ta have" well lemme tell you sumpthin' "Sparky", freelance work is the ONLY work I can get. Why? Because I alone have the power to hire me, and I've decided to give myself a promotion.

The people who pick on me the most about my choice of work, seem to be themselves unemployed. I would say "You shouldn't cast stones in glass houses" but I daily encourage these people to stand inside their glass houses, and throw the biggest boulder possible. Maybe a few nice shards to the head will poke out the part of the brain that makes you a jackass.

I know it's not considered the "professional" or "nice" thing right now to call out those that make it difficult for the rest of us to earn a living wage, but at this point, you're going to have to pay me to care: