Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Walt Disney presents... WWE?

Being an adult means owning up to your past and not being ashamed of it. Or.. at least that's what they keep re-porting on Facebook.

Well I'm not above doing just that. So I apologize. I apologize for whispering into the wind quite possibly the most dastardly thing I ever could.

If you believe The Secret or any other scripture on positive thinking or even the notion that what you think becomes reality, then I really need to apologize again. Because it does work, but this all started as an innocent joke...

It was 2011-ish. I made a joke about "What if Disney buys out WWE" this was in retaliation to a comment someone made about how much "better" WWE had been that week. (A week in which they actually drew a 2.9 ~ down from the previous 3.2.)

I used their PG format as a backdrop, making up stories about how Disney could promote WWE and using a photo of Hulk Hogan at the Disney-MGM studios from his debut at WCW:
Never mind that Hogan's WWF cartoon was owned by DiC ~ which until a few years ago was a subsidiary of Disney ~ or that Beth Phoenix had already been on Disney Channel's Zack & Cody, I just went on about how Disney would promote them. I even dreamed up a "Barbie as a WWE Diva" line, poking fun at WWE's deal with the toy giant.

And that's all I meant it as. A joke. I was just kidding around.

Recently, a few of my close friends started whispering that they were scared of Disney taking out WWE. I felt that this was just backlash from Disney's recent purchase of the Star Wars franchise, but more and more the emails came in.

I teased that with the slumping stocks of the WWE ($8.13 a share when I started typing this out) and with Disney's desperation for a recovery hit, since John Carter and the Who Wants to be a Millionaire lawsuit almost cleaned them out, that Disney would at least "think about it". I still didn't put any faith into it. Lesson here? Don't tease. But still I didn't think much of the harmless joke.

But week after week, it got more surreal. I heard about The Miz being on an ABC Family show, Kofi and Miz both being on Disney Channel, a segment about WWE on (Disney's) ESPN re-airing, and before long, The Muppets (another acquisition) were making more than just one USO approved appearance.

So in jest, I drew the "Disney's WWE" cartoon, seen above. I thought that it would make people laugh and that would be the end of it.

I was wrong.

No sooner had I posted the cartoon to my Facebook page did I see the rumor (as in, currently unfounded) that Disney wants to purchase some WWE stock.

... Oh no....

Again, citing their buyout of Pixar and The Muppets, I joked around with the rumor. Bringing up Walt Disney's curious friendship with a Nazi sympathizer, I paraphrased a line from Mel Brooks, stating that all Disney wants is piece.............. a little piece of WWE, a little piece of Pixar, a little piece of Marvel... you can see I'm not taking this too seriously.

...And then, just a few hours ago, my mother sends me this photo she took with her phone:
What you are seeing is a shelf at Aldi... for "Disney's WWE" assorted toys.

.... Uh-oh.

This is how it started with Marvel. A few years ago, Aldi had a similar shelf like this, for "Disney's Marvel" toys. At first I thought they were bootlegs, but upon inspection, all the toys checked out as legit, and are mass sold at Walgreen's and Wal*Mart. Back then I shrugged it off. Now? If I want to apply for an inker's position at Marvel, I have to go through I'm not laughing now.

So let's say that there is some kind of off-beat truth to the rumor. What would a Disney WWE look like?

Disney doing promotion work for WWF/WWE isn't new. In the 90's they couldn't wait to promote Hulk Hogan, and every other issue of Disney's Adventures had some ad for something WWF or WCW based, so it's not hard to imagine that you'd even see theater ads for Wrestlemania ~ a dream Vince has always held onto.

The Wellness policy would probably be scaled back a bit. After all, many of Disney's former starlets, such as Lindsey Lohan and Miley Cyrus have all claimed that at one point or another, Disney managers have handed the stars anything they need to see "A Whole New World" and they're not above getting a star hooked on a prescription drug, so K2 smokers would likely have nothing to fear, as long as it's in moderation.

The matches themselves would be more corny, to appeal to the tween demographic, so Vince Russo would likely get his job back as booker, and a few writing gigs for their next sitcoms. The action would be toned down only slightly, but not to the level WWE is at right now. And the commercials for "Aww HECK" in a Cell would have the very best sparkles available.

The merchandising would be astounding to say the least.  Ambitious Disney Princess dolls, dressed as Divas, Disney boys in trunks and singlets, everything from paper dolls, coloring books, flash cards, plastic balls and fashion dolls to action figures and logo-printed race cars would be under every Christmas tree, perfectly matching those cute little Disney Princess Ornaments Hallmark sells. T-shirts, magazines, cosplay and special DVD collections would just hit the tip of the iceberg of merchandise.

Special movies would be next, with John Cena and A.J. joining forces with Mickey, Minnie, Wolverine and Storm, to take down Magneato and Pete's new tablet-using Stormtroopers. And every 10-15 minutes, A.J. will break into song about how she longs to find her one true prince, and she'll question whether or not Cena is her true love. Trust issues will have to be put aside though, at least long enough for the team to ride on the Macy's float, Thanksgiving 2014.

And let's not forget television. As I said, Russo would likely write a few episodes of Girl Meets World, while making room for various guest appearances.

At long last too, we'd have a WWE inspired Happy Meal toy ~ collect all 8 WWE spinner figures and you can put the toys together for a giant spinning title belt, while mom and dad enjoy the thin, plastic collector cups and mail away watch.

And a soundtrack. We'd have a Disney approved soundtrack.

And Disneyworld and Disneyland would both have special WWE sections. Who knows? Maybe Godfather will come back, and we can all ride on the HOOOOOooooooo train ~ complete with animatrons singing "Be our Guest" as you become "Part of their world" near Epcot.

The DVD's might prove to be an issue, what with all the censoring the current WWE already does, but considering that Disney already owns A&E and it's Biography channel, the old documentaries would finally be re-aired, uncensored. And since Disney already owns Lifetime, Military History Channel, Hyperion Books, a 27% share of Hulu and LucasArts ~ all responsible for providing questionable, non-family entertainment, and since they used to own Miramax ~ responsible for Scary Movie and Kill Bill, and they've had a hand in other non-family features such as Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, it's likely that they would be more willing to release footage of Hell in a Cell 1998 onto DVD ~ but just for a limited time, you know, before the WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW and AWA tapes go back into the Disney vault.

The only snafu I can think of would be how to entice C.M. Punk to stay in the new company. A smart, grown man with his own brain and broad vocabulary might be tempted to bowing out from Disney with grace... but wait, I forgot.... Disney can bring back the ice cream bars! There may be hope yet.

So here's to the future conglomerate, where Wrestlemania, the grandest stage of them all, could be held at the most magical place on earth.

Parking will be $99 a day.

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