Monday, December 19, 2011
Second of all, I've been posting ways I would book WWE. Now since I started posting my ideas on Blogger, Bryan has...
1. Wrestled William Regal in matches that stole the show.
2. Managed a BRIEF but memorable "my teacher's better than yours" story with Tyson Kidd.
3. (OMG!) Become holder of the Smackdown belt.
America... you are welcome.
God knows WWE "Creative" wasn't going to come up with these gems by themselves.
For further reading, here are my older posts:
An Open Letter I Know the WWE won't Read
Another Letter I know the WWE Won't Read But YOU Should
Tyson Kidd vs. Bryan Danielson
From Hell in a Cell to Wrestlemania. I Have until 5!!
Restructuring the belts
And to aaaaaaaall my haters and naysayers from this year, Merry F'N Christmas:
John Cena was absent from WWE TLC. While Cena was gone...
Kim Jong Il died.
Bryan Danielson became Smackdown champion.
The last U.S. Troops in Iraq were sent home.
WWE produced a December PPV that didn't suck AND it was wrestling based.
Zack Ryder won the U.S. title.
C.M. Punk is happy.
HHH and Kevin Nash wrestled as well as they did in their youth.
The Divas match was tolerable.
Randy Orton wrestled as though he didn't have I.E.D. and as though he gave a shit about his performance.
A bookstore opened in my area ~ that has friendly service with knowledgeable employees that speak English, and sells rare books, rare magazines, vinyl records, video games and manga at decent prices.
Hmm... Maybe Cena should no-show a few more PPVs. Maybe we'll get a fixed economy, job creation and world peace.
I come home to an overfull inbox of messages. Apparently Hell froze over in the nicest of ways.
1. John Cena was given the PPV off from in ring competition.
2. Kim Jong Iil is dead, dead, deady mcdeaderstien.
3. Bryan Danielson is the new SmackDown champion.
4. WWE apparently produced a GOOD PPV.
5. It was a GOOD PPV in the month of December.
6. Zack Ryder won the US belt.
7. AND neither he nor Bryan got screwed over in the process.
8. Randy Orton wrestled like a wrestler and NOT some looney tune, head punting viper.
9. It was a WRESTLING PPV, NOT Sports Entertainment.
What can I say? WWE doing something RIGHT for a change must have shocked Iil to death.
For the first time in I don't remember when, I cried happy tears. I've only done this a few times in my whole life. But perhaps I should leave you with #10:
10. I'm the first cartoonist in the world to finish something on Bryan's win:
Friday, December 16, 2011
My 4 YouTube channels look like comment-less boxes, my Facebook is acting up, my Blogger just tried to send me to an ugly format, my Gmail is written in Arabic and MySpace is well... Myspace.
When I started getting comfortable with social networking in 2009, things were pretty grand. I made a ton of friends, got to share things, it was easy. Some days I wish I could have stopped time back then, just to revel in it a bit. I think April 09 was one of my better months, minus a rejection letter from PWI.
Now I have to watch what I post, or the copyright Nazis will pull ANOTHER video off of YouTube. I have hackers and spammers to contend with, hate sites about me, and an overstuffed inbox full of messages from people, asking me every 20 seconds why I won't update them with details about my last status update.
That last part is starting to worry me. Look, I spend enough time online as is. I DON'T need to email each of you a 20 page essay on why I tweeted "Watching Inside Edition. Brutus Beefcake and Hulk Hogan are gonna be on again!". You don't need to know what I'm doing 100% of the time. Also, odds are good that if I've posted "Facebook is glitching on my emails" guess what... guess what? That means I CAN'T respond to you, so fucking forgive me if I instead spend my time commenting on the statuses of everyone else I know, because seemingly that's all Facebook will allow me to do! Fuck, this thing won't even let me play the games I like without crashing my browser, and I am NOT going to risk another hack for Zynga. So please, instead of jamming my inbox with rude emails like "I need to know what's going on stop ignoring me" how about you get off the computer, and go get help. Lord knows Facebook ain't gonna let you do anything else. (That goes for a few YouTubers too.)
I've been made subject to glitches and freezes and slow to load interfaces. Whatever happened to regular sites?
If I could drill into Mark Zukerberg, MySpace Tom and the Google Group just ONE clear message, and have it stick for the remainder of time, it would be the phrase "If it ain't broke, DON'T fix it". I'd even tattoo it into their pupils, so that the saying would be the only thing they see for all time.
I can understand that SOME change is good. Sometimes things need to grow, as a seed becomes a flower.
But most of these changes do not EVER need to happen, and just serve to frustrate and annoy me. For example, can you see how many words I've typed out in capital letters? Yeah, they're written LIKE THIS not because I'm trying to express myself, but because Blogger just took away my damned BOLD FONT option! And my italics and my TeXt SiZe, so forgive me if this looks like it was written by a luney tune. Luney? Ah I see. Blogger has also disabled my sepil check. Greaaaaat. Would you belive I typed this on Chrome? Yeah, they broke that too.
I don't need a website riddled with Flash and Java, I need pages that fucking WORK. All the time, without censoring me!
Why is it ok for hate videos to be posted about me online, but if I post a Sailormoon clip I'm some sort of evil degenerate?
I'd also like a blog poster that doesn't re-write my coding either. I don't need a Google re-direct URL stapled to every link I post, I need a page that will let me just fucking post the links I want as is. Is this really so hard?
Email accounts that function, a social network that won't sell my information or bombard my family with captchas. none of these things are hard to code.
If I could ask Santa for something unselfishly, one of those "World Peace" kind of things, i'd wish for an internet that works.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Some days, I miss certain aspects of the 1990’s.
When I was a little girl, it was typical to see sci-fi, anime, manga and video game fans, taking their fanhood to heights … IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!! (You get 10 brownie points if you got that reference.) It wasn’t a great big deal.
We would call them fanboys, fangirls or otaku, and leave it at that. We’d nod our heads, and move on with life, that’s all. No additional name-calling, no hate blogs, not even a funny face was made.
Why? Because we understood back then that this is what made those people happy. Yes, it looks insane when someone dresses up as an anime character, and she insists you call her “Little Washu”, or when a fully grown man starts talking into his watch, proclaiming that he really is the Green Ranger, but if they’re not breaking laws or being general assholes, it’s not really anything to write home about.
The worst case scenario back then, was if you got caught up in the drama of Star Trek fans. Trekkies you see are the freaks that believe Star Trek is reality, while Trekkers are bright enough to know this is just a TV show. So yes, you would find conventions filled with people dressed as Klingons, trying to argue as to whether or not they should call William Shatner “Captain Kirk”. But this like I said was the WORST case scenario, and it never got worse than swear words in Klingon. We were civil back then.
Now? Seemingly every forum and video page has offensive words littered all over the place, aimed at ALL sci-fi fans. And when I say “offensive” I don’t just mean the usual death threats and curse words, oh no. I mean offensive as in to my senses, like … who the hell developed the word “Weeaboo”?!
Probably pronounced “Wee-Ah-Booo” this word (which sounds like a toddler trying to tell you he scraped his knee) means the following according to Urban Dictionary:
"1. Any self-proclaiming anime fan who alienates themselves from their own society and assimilate into the Japanese culture from which they know little-to-none about; using their so-called anime knowledge as a guide, which destined them to ultimate failure in assimilation. 2. A special breed of anime fans who put Japan on a pedestal and prefer them over any other countries in terms of multimedia, courtship, etc... (E.g. prefer Japanese/Asian spouses, prefer J-Pop music over American music, wanna live and die Japan, etc...) As far as anime goes, they know only little. For example, the average weeaboo knows only Americanized anime; preferred uncut with jap. audio and Eng. subs ( E.g. Naruto, DBZ, Bleach, Haruhi Suziyama, Lucky Star, etc...) and memorized every Japanese song from their favorite shows."
Now most people will skip that entire definition, and will label ALL anime fans as “Weeaboos”. Certainly my inbox is overrun with jealous hackers and anime otaku, calling me this word, and following it up with other gems like “fucktard, Sailor Whore, cunt” ect. In fact, Anonymous and Lulzsec have both claimed ownership of the name, ever since they took over 4chan.
Otaku, once being a Japanese word that either meant “House/Home” (Random House dictionary of 1998) or “anime/manga fan” now means “Creepy adult who spends all of their time editing Wikia and making out with their Vocaloid pillows”. They are also considered to be creepy people who stalk you in the bushes.
Fanboys/girls used to be considered sci-fi know-it-alls and those who live in their parents’ basements, but they are now being classified as psychopaths.
When the hell did this start?
When did it become “okay” to harass people online, and call them by these names? When did it become okay to stab people at a convention, just because you disagree on an anime character? At what point did everyone agree to start drinking lead cups of mercury?
I’d like to walk into a comic book store or a convention plaza, without being labeled a nutcase, just because I chose ~ for ONE day in my life ~ to wear a Sailormoon t-shirt. Seriously, is it too much to ask? Or how about an entire YEAR of an inbox free of hateful emails, of screwed up accounts. I’d really like an extra day of NOT having to file my 100th report, just because someone in their 30’s isn’t grown enough to handle a 3 minute video.
If I could ask just something out of sci-fi and anime fans, it would be for all of them to chill the hell out. You’re not devils, you’re not animals, you’re human beings. Act like it. Use manners, GOOD ones, act as though you actually give a shit what people think of you.
And for the love of God stop using the word “Weeaboo”.
Honestly if you’re going to waste time insulting someone, at least take pride in it. Use a word that sounds like you took the time to add consonants, so you don’t sound like the drooling moron you make yourself out to be when you’re stalking otaku on DeviantArt.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
UPDATE: There's more:
http://www.youtube.com/user/CodenameSailorEarth7 Seriously? You must have nothing to live for if you're after me. Thanks for showing the world why your existence doesn't matter. They even brag about sockpuppeting as me here: At the ED hate page about me. I apologize for how evil this sounds, but I wish that all these hackers would have their hands cut off and fed to them. I also think their bodies should be sold to science, while they're still alive.
Also, the above mentioned Mr. Bad News Julius Stein left this for me 5 minutes after this was posted. Wait 5 minutes? How could he have known I said so much as "Boo" about him unless *GASP* I'm right and he really IS stalking me, of course! Well here's what he said:
YO LISTEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE BUT I AM NOT APART OF THIS CRAP AND YES I AM MR.BAD NEWS BUT I DON'T DO ANY OF THE CRAP YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT I WANT NO PART IN THIS
http://www.blogger.com/profile/10474687379422254218 That's his blog, which follows like three other blogs about *GASP* hacking. Yeah, he said he's a fan of HACKING.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
My parents are separated. I feel obligated to open every story about my father with that line.
So my father just got back into his apartment in my basement, looking rather disheveled. He claims that he just got back from an “emergency” trip to Target… for cat food.
Now for the record, nobody in my local bloodwork owns a cat. In fact, I am severely allergic to short hairs and “Garfield” style cats, so a feline is out of the question here.
Ergo, one must surmise that my father was buying cat food for his girlfriend, and this would be correct. So this is the tale he told me about this late night excursion.
Now if you were a fan of my MySpace blogs between 2009 and 2010, then you already know about her. But for those of you just joining the party here on Blogger, let me catch you up.
My father began asking my mother to help him pay for coffee for his girl “Maryse” in 2009. “Maryse” is 39 years old, huge Twilight fan, has a teenaged son who is her personal slave, has more than two boyfriends (One of whom is serving a decently sized sentence for touching a 13 year old) and is an ex-French teacher for children … who “LEIK TOTALLY CAN’T UM UNDERSTAAAAND WHYLEIK THE SCHOOL LEIK TOATALLY WANTED TO FIER HER AND STUFF? LEIK WOW WHAT’S GOING ON MAAAN?” Can you imagine this bitch trying to speak French? “LEIK BONJUUUR COMOTALLYVIEU??” I should point out her nasal, wing bar waitress voice. Also, she is an ex-cheerleader.
So now that you know who Maryse is, let me tell you why she needed cat food.
A while ago, Maryse went to Japan. There, in a city outside of Harajuku, she went down a dark alley.
There, she found a one-eyed cat, marching between two boxes….
I want you to hold onto that image of the cat marching for just a bit.
Maryse found the cat to be so attractive, that she snatched the cat up, and ran back to the airport.
She paid $500 to have the cat sent to the US.
… No, God forbid she spend that kind of money on a local US shelter cat, where she would know ahead of time if the cat belonged to anybody, naaaaaaah why risk it? Sure, let’s plunk down Fie-Hundred-Dollaz on a random stray, and not even bother to check if he belongs to someone, is sick or has been neutered.
So $500 later, the cat is now on United States soil. She named him “Charles”. (No really, that’s his name.)
Now Charles is a black and white cat… but his patches aren’t exactly what you would expect.
Charles has one patch over his missing eye, in the shape of an Emo haircut…
The other black patch is small, box-like, and stationed under his pink nose.
This is Charles, photo taken right after he had his shots. Assumed age at the time thi photo was taken: Barely one year.
Once more, Charles loves to march.
And in case you are wondering, this Japanese cat has yet to “Nyan”. However, when he hacks up a fur ball, he has a nasty habit of dry-heave coughing “HIEL mew HIEL”
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
So first, I’d like to tackle a very popular idea. It seems that a lot of people want to see Punk vs. Bryan at WrestleMania. This is almost too simple to book.
Punk has a match with Alberto Del Rio. Have him win the belt back.
Between Survivor Series and Royal Rumble, Punk can fend off ADR and anybody else who wants to bother him for the belt. This gives him a 5 month reign.
As for Bryan? Simple. For as long as the Money in the Bank briefcase has existed, the stipulation has ALWAYS been that he who owns EITHER case, can cash it in against ANY World Heavyweight Champion he chooses. Even the red and blue paint on the cases can’t deter the holder from making that choice. It’s up to the owner of the case.
SO!! Why have Bryan face Mark Henry ~ or Big Show ~ or that constant screw up Randy Orton ~ when he can just as easily cash it in at ‘Mania, and not only have a chance for the belt, but put on a nice, long pure wrestling match with C.M. Punk, and have a shot at ending up back on Raw? Really, the idea is child’s play.
But the rest of this isn’t about Bryan’s chances for any belt, instead it’s about the belts themselves, and a rather disturbing trend. Here we go!
So Monday I caught both of WWE’s Heavyweight Champions (Alberto Del Rio and Mark Henry) go up against C.M. Punk and Big Show, in a tag team match. Long story short, ADR wins via underhanded tactics and pins Punk. Sounds normal, right?
Well there was a mighty big problem… this was a mid-card match.
This was by no means an isolated incident either. For over a year the “main” titles have taken a backseat on several of the WWE’s major cards, most notably at last year’s TLC, when then champion Miz took a backseat to a non-title bout between John Cena and Wade Barrett.
One more time, the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP played second fiddle to a NON-TITLE MATCH.
This is a big problem. I understand that to those in charge, the belts are nothing more than props. Cute accessories that look just darling with the latest fashion choices of it’s holder.
BUT the fans watching this are NEVER supposed to feel that way about the belts. And neither should the wrestler holding it.
Essentially, this booking blunder tells each and every wrestler in the back, that the belts mean NOTHING, and ergo if you are fighting for the ownership of said belt, you are in effect fighting for NOTHING.
Is this really what you want to tell your whole roster? That for all intents and purposes, they are fighting to become the temporary owner of a belt that will have them playing mid-card at a major show to let’s say… The Rock yammering on for 20 minutes? Johnny ace and HHH seeing how many times they can use the word “business” in a speech? A re-re-re-re-re-play of a skit gone wrong, or a WrestleMania recap? That may be more depressing to think about than Tyler Reks’s last push.
So the top belts mean nothing more than MAYBE a mid-card hurrah, and the wrestlers have no real reason to keep fighting in the WWE.
And judging by the buy rates of the last 10 PPVs (compared to the buy rates of a few years ago) it looks to me like the fans couldn’t care less either.
This could be solved rather easily, with just a simple restructuring. Here’s how I’d fix this mess.
So I’ve penciled out an episode of Raw, following a PPV. The rosters of Raw and SmackDown are standing around the ring, as whomever is in charge stands in the center. Now I’m going to be VERY generous and sketch this out for about 20 minutes. God knows none of the clowns in charge can figure out how to cut a believable promo in under 10 minutes.
So the monkey in charge (Oh let’s pretend it’s Johnny Ace) announces that at the next PPV, there will be TWO title-unification matches.
First unification match is certainly the World Heavyweight belt match. And BOTH the Spinner belt AND the WCW-knockoff title are history. Reasons why should be obvious. It’s been 6 years since I last heard anything NICE about the Spinner belt, and the SmackDown title has been nothing more than a cursed WCW knockoff, with it’s title history riddled with more than 3 Vacations and more than a dozen different instances, where the belt changed hands to to crummy screw jobs (Undertaker isn’t allowed to do a Hell’s Gate??) and multiple 3 and 4 ways involving dudes who not only DON’T need the damn belt to get over, they’ve already held the thing more than 6 times. (HHH, Orton, I’m looking at you.)
So I’m ditching both belts for a more classic design. Something close to the “Eagle belt” we all grew up admiring, but with a slick, hunter green strap. Hey, the belt is allegedly worth “money” right? So green here becomes the new black. From here on, ONLY this belt will be seen in the main event of ALL forthcoming PPVs, with the exception being Royal Rumble. I’d super-sell the idea that this is THE belt to hold, and if you’re not holding it, you are NOT the face of this company. This gives the wrestlers something worth fighting for. Besides, the roster is pretty much fused at this point, so there’s no need for two belts.
The second title unification belt will be for the Intercontinental and US titles.
When I was a little girl, the I.C. belt was the second to last thing you ever held before getting “THE” belt. If you held the I.C. belt, you were an instant SOMEBODY.
Now? These two belts are listed as the “booby prize” belts, meaning that unless your name is Miz, you hold these belts and it signifies the end of whatever push you had. Worse? It also means that for the next 6-10 months you will be doomed to stupid storylines that wreck your reputation. You might end up going from legitimate threat to joke status overnight, and even if you’re one of the best wrestlers on the roster, having ANY association with these belts means that once this run is done, and the skanks and comedy relief wrestlers get bored of you, you’ll end up wasting many a night on the low and dark match cards, wondering what went wrong. Many a booker/writer screams to be throttled for letting this happen to those wrestlers.
So here’s where I would unify the belts, and unveil a new title. I was thinking of calling it the “International Title” acknowledging it’s roots as stemming from the European, US and I.C. belts. This would be a smaller title, white strap, belt plate would feature an etching of two wrestlers in a test of strength, signifying that holding this belt is a test to see if you’re ready for the main title. I’d market it like that, breathing a sense of believability into it’s holders. (Something that a few of the more recent champs have had a hard time with when it comes to the fans.)
Next, it’s time to re-structure the tag team titles. I’m ditching the “penny belts” because they’re ugly and nobody wants them. Instead, we’re going back to the late 1990’s style. Average gold plate, blue straps. I’m also bumping it up on the card, so that for all PPVs, this belt is defended right before the international title, which is the last match before the main event.
Next, it’s time to re-introduce a high flyer’s belt. Now I’ve penciled the name in as “Cruiserweight” but I really don’t think stealing WCW terms would help anybody at this point. I could call it the “Light Heavyweight” title, but that’s always sounded like an oxymoron to me. Science tells us that unless your weight is somewhere in the middle, you are either light-weight or heavy-weight. You cannot be both, hence where other sports have a middle weight title. The belt itself will have a daring new design. Gold plate in the shape of a circle with an etching of a man doing a plancha through the second and top ropes. This belt would be defended before the tag titles at all PPVs, and would be the #1 focal point for Superstars ~ which would be re-formatted as a strictly wrestling program, 2 hours in length, focusing on the youngest, newest and shortest competitors.
NOW HOLD ON!! I know what you’re thinking and the answer is “NO!!” holding this belt does NOT mean you will “never” obtain the main title. That’s a notion I would squash right here. The main reason why the Cruiserweight belt failed, was because the morons in charge deemed that being the holder of the “I-am-under-6-feet-two” title instantly meant that you are never going to be good enough for a stronger belt. Let this be a thing of the past! Holding this belt means you are one step away from holding either the tag or International belt, which is of course your last major step before Heavyweight title contention.
Lastly, the Diva’s belt is to be thrown into a trash can and set “a”-BLAZE. (How many of you catch that? ^_~) Instead I’m bringing in the Women’s belt. But not just any belt, I’m bringing in a new version of the strap the Fabulous Moolah held when she started her 28 year reign. That’s right, white strap, medallion in the center with a tasteful close-up photo of the current champion.
Also, the belt has some steep stipulations. In order to be eligible for the title, you must be able to do the following:
1 ~ You MUST be able to be a mat technician. If you are unfamiliar with hammerlocks, armbars and basic submissions, leave now.
2 ~ You must have been on the televised roster for at least one year. No more of this bullshit where catalogue models earn a title shot in under one hour of their TV debut. If you can’t hold the attention of the crowd within one year of my letting you near the ring, you are gone.
3 ~ You must dress as though this is a SPORTING competition. Simply put, if you’re wearing less than a singlet, you’re gone.
Now why the strong stipulations? Simple. Once upon a time, the Women’s belt was one that was at least mildly respected. That’s a very big word that does NOT apply to today’s sloppy female division. I think that’s why most fans are ignoring the fact that Beth and Natalya are heels and cheering these women. They are REAL women and REAL wrestlers, always a profitable combination.
Now as I briefly mentioned, I’d bring back Superstars. Even if it’s internet only, the show will be restructured. Gone are the recaps and WrestleMania moments, in it’s place will be a two hour, weekly event that puts the smaller and younger wrestlers respectively, into their own limelight. Twice a year we can have a “special” episode where both the Women’s and Cruiserweight belts will be defended. This gives the fans a legit reason to watch.
NXT of course would be GONE. The remaining roster can be sent to Superstars.
With the roster now fused, Raw and SmackDown go back to the way they used to be in 2001. SHOWS. No more of this “brand” crap.
Each televised show will have no more than 15 minutes TOTAL for promo time, and the WHOLE roster has to share it. That’s right, no more 20 minute speeches, no more degrading skits, each wrestler has less than one minute to sell his story. With a roster of 60+ people, I can’t really waste time on blabbing. The average wrestling fan has less than a 30 second attention span for each wrestler, if I can’t tell a story within that time frame, I risk losing crowd interest. If it’s a REALLY big storyline, I’ll stretch out the time frame, but if it’s (let’s say) Santino vs. Dolph Ziggler as a filler match, then I really need to keep up the pace.
Also, no more storylines involving the morons in charge or the announcers. If I don’t see your wrestler’s license, you do NOT have airtime this week. Furthermore, I’d keep a cap on how crazy an announcer can get. It’s all fine and dandy to have a voice that speaks up for the heels, but when it becomes the focal point of Raw, it’s out of control. All announcers will be given a choice. You can either be a manager, and follow your favorite wrestler to the ring ~ OR ~ you can be an announcer. Pick ONE, you do NOT get to be both. No more sticking your ass into storylines.
For two hours, I can probably book between 6-8 matches. This should give everyone enough time to be seen, without being sent out in the dark during a commercial break.
As for the PPVs? It’s time to cut them down completely.
The point of a PPV is for it to feel like a special event. If there’s a PPV every two to three weeks, it’s no longer special, and at $55 per event, it’s no longer cost-effective to the average wrestling fan.
So I’d drop the price. $24.99 is a decent price for most PPV events by which more people can afford to see it on television, without being gauged. Ordering the event for your tv? Receive a snail mail coupon goof for the merchandise (DVD) from this event.
Next, it’s time to drop the number of events. 18 events is crazy, 12 was too many, so it’s time to go back to the way things used to be. 5-8 per year is enough to make a tidy profit without over saturating the market. It’s also easier to make the shows feel special this way. And for $20 a DVD once the event is no longer live, I better damn well make it feel special!
Then I’d roll out a special internet feed via my site, since TV sales aren’t doing so well. If you can’t catch the PPV via televised PPV, come to my site for the iPPV. $24.99 gets you the internet feed plus a special discount on all current and future merchandise based on said event. (Example: a snail mailed coupon for half off the DVD of the event.) By making the fans feel like kings and queens through special offers like this, I can curb internet stealing just a bit, make myself a tidy profit and keep them coming back for more. (Word of mouth travels fast!)
Now each PPV can comfortably play host to 9-10 matches. The structure of each event may look like this:
1 ~ TBA
2 ~ TBA
3 ~ TBA
4 ~ #1 contentership match for the I belt
5 ~ #1 contentership match for the World belt
6 ~ Women’s Belt
7 ~ Cruiserweight Title
8 ~ Tag Team Titles
9 ~ International Championship
10 ~ World Heavyweight Championship
Now the first three matches can be anything I want them to be. Special attraction matches, grudge bouts between long standing rivals, additional #1 contentership matches for the other belts, whatever I think best fits the card. I can even pull back the main contentership matches to earlier in the card, if I have a dog collar, TLC or Ladder match to squeeze in. But by keeping the titles in the limelight, I can give all of the wrestlers something to strive for, a reason to do better and wrestle at their best.
Another thing to is that each re-match wrestler has a “back-of-the-line” clause. No more of this nonsense with the same two people trading the belt back and forth for 9 months, or this BS with one man trying three PPVs in a row to get back a title. Instead it’ll work like this:
If you are a challenger and you LOSE your shot at the main belt ~ You go to the back of the line. We will have a NEW #1 contender next PPV and it AIN’T YOU!!
If you are a champion, and you LOSE the belt, you get ONE more chance at the next PPV. If you can’t win it back, you go to the back of the line.
Furthermore, each title feud would not last more than a few events. No more trading the belt back and forth like I said. Each feud has a limit of four title contentions. Whoever is holding the belt after match #4, that’s the winner of the feud, there ain’t no more, loser goes to the back of the line.
That keeps things exciting and also makes the heels more believable, should they win/retain due to cheating or DQ. This could also help an underdog face appeal to the crowd.
Now this entire article didn’t even take me too much time, nor would it be that difficult to reenact. It’s simple to follow, cost-effective, and most of what they would need to pull this off is already in the inventory.
Friday, November 11, 2011
I’ve been alive for 25 years, and for just as long I’ve been watching wrestling. But even after all this time, there are some things that still puzzle me.
1. Why is it that so many fans piss on the Indies, yet never even bother watching more than 2-3 matches from there? ~ I’m constantly trying to push people to pay attention to the Independent leagues, where actual wrestling exists, but seemingly nobody has the balls to sit down, and watch a 10 minute clip on YouTube. “It’s BORING! It’s DUMB!” Say the bitchy little naysayers, and yet none of them can even name me ONE Indy league.
Others still ask me how they can at least preview an Indy league before committing their hard earned $10 to it, and I say the same thing. “YouTube them. Google it.” And always I hear the same complaint. “That’s too HARD! It’ll take too much time! Obviously it’s not worth my time if I have to Google it.”
Do you see how LAZY that looks to me? The same person who said that they can’t be bothered to Google one Indy promotion, will then spend about 55 minutes of his time YouTube searching the same 3 Chris Jericho videos he has on VHS and DVD… and on his Facebook wall ~ again and again and again.
2. Why is it that people will watch either WWE or nothing at all? ~ I’m constantly seeing the ratings for Raw and SmackDown dip, as more and more people I know give up on the company altogether. This guy’s not getting booked at all, that guy’s being de-pushed, I’m sick of Cena and Orton ~ are some of the myriad of complaints I see every week. “So stop watching that then, and check out AAW with me.” Is my encouraging reply.
“NO WAY!! It’s not WWE.” Is the pig-headed sentiment I usually get back. Why? We’ve established that you no longer wish to see the WWE as it is now, so why the sudden defense? Is it honestly that hard for you to fathom giving something else a try?
3. Why it is that most fans can bitch about the WWE, but if I do it, I’m somehow “naïve” or “stupid”? ~ I tried an experiment once.
So this year, Christian won ~ and then lost ~ the SmackDown belt. The entire title reign lasted less than a weekend, and everyone got pissed. It wasn’t enough that he lost the belt, it was made worse that his push was thrown away so that Randy Orton could hold the belt a 10th time. Truth be told, I don’t think Randy should have even held it the first time, let alone the other 9, since he’s sloppy, has too quick a temper, and has yet to be anything like the wrestler his father, uncle or grandfather were, but I digress. Christian was screwed, and even non-wrestling fans knew it.
Now unwittingly, I shared the exact same sentiment as a man on a YouTube page. (Since I don’t remember his name, let’s just call him “Rodger”.) Rodger and I both posted the same sentence:
“Christian just got SCREWED out of the title. I say we boycott SmackDown this week to show the WWE the mistake they just made.”
Now when I posted this sentence, I got the following responses on many a chat, forum and channel:
“You’re so naïve! Oh here we go again with Kori’s naivety rearing it’s ugly head. Look stupid, just because you and the other internet SMARKS can withstand 60 minute matches at your backyard Indies doesn’t mean the rest of us can. It’s JUST an angle. If you don’t like it STOP WATCHING dumb Kori!”
Rodger posted the EXACT SAME sentence I had.
“DUDE you are SO right. Fuck WWE. Let’s boycott Raw too!”
What the hell? Am I THAT intimidating that this would happen? So it’s alright if a MAN says it, but not me, right? Gotcha.
Nice to see the lack of manhood on the internet.
4. Why is it that people will defend that which annoys them? ~ Picking up from the last segment, a lot of people have been upset this year over stupid decisions made by the WWE. I’ve seen some alarming comments from people about Muppets, wrestlers that have been dropped lower on the card than need be, storylines that got stupid fast, all kinds of complaints from people who actually work 3 or more jobs a week, just to afford 5th row tickets to the next house show.
I’m always being told “Well just stop watching then!!” from these exact people when I point out the mistakes of this company. So a few times, I’ve turned the tables and asked them to do the same thing. “Just – STOP – Watching.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! They’re um like the BIGGEST company in the world! Stupid Kori, why um it’s just a storyline, and I don’t always have to agree with it. I’m a fan and I know that. You’re just a hater.”
A similar reaction can come from a child, who professes to have outgrown his favorite toy, yet will scream and holler if another boy touches it.
5. Why is it that I can read the writing on the wall, and nobody else can? ~ So it seems that I over-react to things. Alright, I can point out a few occasions on which I am guilty of this. But still there are things that are starring us all in the face as I type this:
1. The WWE stock has dropped from $25 when it opened in 1999, to $8-10 in a mere 12 years. We CAN’T just pretend it’s all the economy’s fault, when other companies in the stock market (such as Mattel) have not suffered nearly as badly as the WWE stocks.
2. The ratings for Raw and SmackDown haven’t seen a 4.0 since Brock Lesnar quit.
3. The WWE has lost NXT and Superstars’s TV deals in the same year ~ and at this rate may not even be able to renew Tough Enough for a full second season.
4. The PPV buy rates have DROPPED to less than half of their typical revenue.
5. Overseas house shows that used to draw an easy 10-15,000 people are now barely bringing in 4-7,000 paid fans. A drop in the bucket? Maybe, but losing more than half of 15,000 fans is NOTHING to be happy about.
6. The merchandise at Wal*Mart, K-Mart and Target are NOT selling well. Hell, even multi-action-figure wrestler himself Evan Bourne pointed it out:
7. The storylines are crappy re-hashes from older ~ FAILED ~ storylines of years past.
8. The youth are being undermined and pushed down, in favor of pre-manufactured sports entertainers.
9. Many of the talent being pushed are over-groomed girly-men and non-wrestling talentless tranny-bitches. (Minus the beauty.)
10. WWE is bleeding money with each failed movie. (The Reunion is quickly becoming it’s own meme for having lost so much money.)
11. Creative is so mentally bankrupt, that they keep begging McMahon to beg back former WWE employees ~ to NOT use them. *COUGH BRET COUGH*
I’m watching WCW flash in front of my eyes each week, as I see one Russo-esque swerve after another. (HHH is is not is in charge but broke up with his boyfriend Kevin Nash and Johnny Ace now has power. HAH?? Is this WWE or TNA???) And yet every time I point ANY of this out, I’m either greeted with “Stop watching” or some sort of long-winded explanation as to why I’m somehow “wrong” for believing that a company that rakes in millions of dollars could “ever” fall. Oh stupid me indeed, why there was only ONE Enron, ONE WCW in the world, why it could “never” happen again… even as I’m watching every store in the area clearance off WWE merchandise and condense the aisles to a fraction of what they were before.
Now I’m not saying we’ll all wake up tomorrow, and have the WWE just disappear, but I am saying that the day is coming where the company as we know it now will cease to be. Hell, the company we fell for as children is LONG gone.
GONE are the days of competent valets that don’t try to hump every wrestler who appears on screen, stylish dresses and ladylike entrances. In place of strong women I can be proud of, we have girls not good enough to be the skank ass whore that is Snooki. ~ That’s right I went THERE.
GONE are the days of wrestlers acting like MEN, knowing when to say “NO!!” to a moronic booking idea ~ for now we have little, simpering girls, who pout and cry should the idea of saying “I dunno” cross their minds. “OH but Vince might fire me, and I wanna wif out my WWE dweams.” REALLY??
GONE are the days of superhero, larger than life wrestlers in a WWF ring, touting the virtues of eating your milk and drinking your vitamins, as they fight in storylines no more complicated than good vs. evil. Instead, we have ill-coordinated groups that lack focus, little boys in sparkle pants that bitch and moan about who gets to wear the matching mask, angry puffy men who can’t seem to cut a convincing promo ~ or for Heaven’s sakes do ONE good Hammerlock ~ without a training video, shimmery boys with hair much more shiny than my hairspray-laden curls ~ wearing much more makeup and body glitter than Boy George at a Lady Gaga concert, and of course, the 30-somethings who act like an urban 12 year old, jorts included. (What happened here??)
The WWF we had as kids was dead and gone long before the Monday Night Wars. And really if you think about it, WHY would anyone want to work there anyways? Think about it, we have so many interviews, DVDs, podcasts and internet videos from most of the surviving cast of the 80’s and 90’s WWF we loved so much as kids. And each one of these ex-WWF wrestlers ~ even Hogan ~ have stories about what a sick place the backstage area was. Steroids, drugs, unclean rings, NO medical insurance, rampant alcohol and sexual abuse, oh sure those things never truly went away, but is that really the element you’d want to be in? More scary are the after effects these guys warn about. Liver, muscular and stomach damage from those chemicals, STDs, mental trauma, frienemies (fake friends who are really your enemies) suddenly that story--line of good vs. evil looks really blurry.
So it’s clear that the WWF we once knew is gone, and the current WWE product is suffering. So why are people ~ even after realizing this ~ are still willing to defend it, the moment I say anything?
Now my best two guesses are that there are some real misogynists on the web, and that those who swear they aren’t are at the very least in denial about the state of what they think is wrestling. However I’m open to other suggestions ~ ideas more manly than an insult hurled in my direction.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I stayed by the window, just watching, waiting. The postman was coming up, and being that the postmen and women out here have been known to chuck the mail at my house and run away like so many “ding dong ditchers” I knew it would be best for me to keep lookout, if I couldn’t sleep.
Finally, the postman ran up, checking at my doorstep a package that was two days early. I had a gut feeling it was the $12.56 I had just spent, shipping included, returning to me in the form of something rare.
Upon opening the package, I was delighted to see a polite “thank you” post-it from half.com (by way of Amazon) and beneath that, the very book I had waited 20 years to own…
Now, to tell you this story, I have to go back in time. WAY back.
I was brought up a Whoite by my mother. For those who don’t know, that’s the old term for a Doctor Who fan. Today, Hollywood calls us “Whovians” but once we were Whoites. Each Sunday night, we’d watch Star Trek : The Next Generation, the pop on over to WTTW (Chicago’s PBS station) to watch Doctor Who. The episodes came to us mixed up, way out of order. Some nights, we’d watch one episode with Doctor #3 (Jon Pertwee) followed by two episodes with Doctor #4. (Tom Baker) Other nights we’d watch Doctor #7 (Sylvester McCoy) travel through time and space with his companion, Ace.
When I was 5, not yet 6, I went to the school library one day, and discovered this book, sitting on a tall shelf that nobody went near.
Who would believe it? It’s not an educational book, so how did it end up here?
What’s more is that NOBODY at the school had EVER heard of Doctor Who before!
But somehow they had acquired this book.
The book was written in 1986, so it’s as old as I am. It’s an alphabetized list of companions the Doctor had (up through Mel) with notes written by the late John Nathan Turner, who worked on Doctor Who from the late 1960’s until 1989, and from there appeared for many other Doctor Who related projects until his death in 2001.
Every week, I would check this book out, along with 2-5 other books. Nobody else wanted that book, so I never saw the harm in it.
Too bad the librarian did.
Every week, I would be bitched out by the librarian and school faculty ~ many of whom I did NOT know personally ~ because they were sick of me checking out the same book.
Mama would have to come to my defense every week, proving with book reports and photos that I WASN’T just reading “that book” but many others as well. In fact, I would re-read the book after my homework, as a present to myself.
“Koriander needs to stop hogging that book so the other children can borrow it!”
The 9th time I heard that lame excuse, I brought over all of my classmates, my bullies, and even children from other classes. Each boy and girl told the truth. They didn’t know anything about Doctor Who, didn’t want to know anything, were sick of me even bringing it up, and furthermore they did NOT want that book.
“Koriander needs to broaden her horizons! She can’t ONLY read about Doctor Who.”
After my verbal report on the beheading of Marie Antoinette ~ complete with a scaled model re-enactment involving a Barbie doll and a working guillotine I had made out of popsicle sticks, this myth of me being closed-minded was busted.
I was doing extra schoolwork, which actually pissed off the school board. They threatened to hold me back a year, just because I was “showing them up”.
I was being punished for being a studious child, and liking a book they didn’t want me to have.
Finally, they banned me from the library all together. Yes, they banished a child from learning. Way to go Kenwood in Hammond, Indiana! Ignorance really is bliss, ain’t it?
In 1993 I moved to Virginia Beach. There, I was sent to Glenwood.
I was depressed, almost 1000 miles away from family, in a climate I wasn’t used to, I felt that every day was a living hell…
Until I went to the school library…
I couldn’t believe my eyes. There in the non-fiction section was this book once more. I resumed checking it out, weekly.
A very snarky and RUDE librarian decided to make a bitter enemy out of me. She tried imposing limits on what I could check out, only allowing me that book if I checked out a certain number of titles. She didn’t believe that I could even finish more than 5 a week.
So I checked out 15 chapter books.
THEN that book.
THEN wrote 15 short reports on what each book was about.
She was livid, accusing me of plagiarism, Cliff Notes and lying.
I presented her with photos of me doing 15 books worth of homework.
I then stuck my tongue out.
And was sent to the principal’s office for insubordination.
Again, Mama came to my defense on a weekly basis, fighting for my right to read whatever I wanted. How could it be that yet ANOTHER school was trying to keep her kid from gaining an education, just because of one damn book??
And again, when the topic of “other children” came up, I had grades K-8 come to my defense, telling the librarian and the faculty that they did not care about or want to check out that book. EVER. Under ANY pretenses.
Fast forward to the Spring of 1994.
I had accidently spilled bubble solution on the book.
Fearing the worst, I ran to my mother, crying.
She herself being a former librarian, took the book aside and got the bubble suds out.
Miraculously, it was now CLEANER than it had been before! And not one word or picture damaged.
The school librarian STILL pitched a fit, charging my mother $14 for the damage.
“But the book is cleaner now than it was BEFORE Kori had it!”
“You still owe us for her damage.”
“How about I buy the book outright, and get you a replacement?”
“NO!! You’re trying to bribe me. You need to make restitution!!”
“… WTF do you think that is??”
The librarian wouldn’t budge.
Within a few weeks, I was BANNED from that library too, with the librarian even LAUGHING in my face about it! “HA HA Just TRY and get the book NOW! Serves you right.”
Serves me right? For WHAT? Enjoying a good book? Doing my schoolwork? You BAN a child for this? Fuck you!
It was one of several times I was not sorry to be sent to the principal’s office. For the record, Mama actually agreed with my colorful statement.
So for the remainder of my time in Virginia, she took me to the Virginia Public Library… which had THAT and one other Doctor Who book!
And that team of librarians never cared how many times I checked it out.
But alas, I soon departed for New Jersey, and wouldn’t see any copy of that book again…
For years, I tried to find another copy, even tried unsuccessfully to buy out the copies my old schools had, but nobody wanted to give it up. EBay searches came up empty, and even the vast internet couldn’t grant me any more knowledge of that book.
… Until last week.
While filling out my birthday wish list, I stumbled upon the book by mistake. At first, the book was out of my price range, but the seller ~ without my ever contacting ~ dropped the price! For $12.56, the long search was over.
Which takes me back to Tuesday, when I unwrapped the book.
It smells just the same as before. That same sweet and woodsy smell, reminiscent of bubble suds. (I checked, this isn’t a school’s book. It’s fresh.)
A first edition from 1986, the same year this fire tiger was born.
With all it’s outrageously 80’s artwork intact.
A 20 year odyssey for an unearthly child.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The other day, I watched Bryan Danielson do something very brave. Something I respect.
Bryan re-posted an article written by someone on Facebook. Please read:
"What They did not want you to ever find out is that your generation, the generation born between 1980-1995, actually outnumbers the Baby Boomers. They knew that if you ever turned your eye towards political reform, you could change the world.
They tried to keep you sated on vapid television shows and vapid music. They cut off your education and fed you brain candy. They took away your music and gave you Top Ten pop stations. They cut off your art and replaced it with endless reality shows for you to plug into, hoping you would sit quietly by as They ran the world. I think They thought you were too dumb to notice.
Indeed, I thought They had won.
But I watched you occupy the capital of Wisconsin. I see you today as you occupy Wall Street. And I see a spark, a glimmer of the glorious new age that is yours. A changing of the guard, a guard that has stood for entirely too long and needs your young legs to take his place.
I watch you turn away from what is easy and stand up for what is right. I see you understand we as a society are only as strong as our weakest link. I see you wise beyond your years. And I am proud. Give ‘em hell, kids. You are beautiful." -Kate Danley
We are the 99% and together we are strong.
Together, we will triumph as we merge once again to 100%.
By: John Cleveland
Now Bryan got alot of useless haters on his page after that, and since this post both his YouTube and his Facebook have been riddled with stupid comments from people believing that we should all just bow down to the 1%, drop dead and tow the line like good little subordinates. Clearly, they are the Borg.
I on the other hand REFUSE to assimilate to the conformist lackey mind of the detractors, who seemingly troll online just to try and justify their weak and sad existence.
So this is what I wrote to Bryan. I hope that he sees it before the WWE do:
Bryan, you were very brave to post this, and I support you for it.
I hope there's at least a few more people on here, brave enough to share this. Even just one voice counts.
I really just speak for myself on this, but I'm tired of seeing my family cry because of these predatory lend banks, foreclosing on our homes after sky-rocketing balloon payments. (I'm scared I'll end up homeless.) I'm tired of seeing my neighborhood turn to squalor, because even my RICH neighbors can't afford their homes or obtain work due to their credit. (Yeah, I have a neighbor with an SUV facing foreclosure. Her job pays $50,000.)
I'm sick of seeing businesses judge a person's job application not by if they have the requirements for said job, but by whether or not their credit score reaches some imaginary number. I want to obtain an honest job with honest pay, isn't that part of the American dream? (Not Dusty.) I'm also tired of seeing my family run themselves into debt, trying to obtain one college degree after another, just to be DENIED work at McDonald's.
I'd also like it if the media would stop making villain the many unions in this country. My family is pro-union, my grandfather on my mom's side is a proud member of Unite Here. Wanna know what he did? He fought for the right to affordable healthcare and a LIVING wage for the other employees at his old hotel. He fought for the mom with two babies, who had to choose every day between their food, diapers and their healthcare. (What can baby live without is NOT a question an American should utter.) He fought for the dad who lived on the street because $8.75 an hour can NOT afford a run-down apartment in California. My Opa fought for the people who worked 12-18 hours a day, with NO off days, NO vacations and NO benefits. That 1%? They're afraid of paying the 99% adequately for their work. They'd have you believe that a union would "kill business" when in reality, all it would do is hold an employer to a FAIR practice, and hold accountable those who undercut a worker's pay.
The 1% of people that are in control of it all have never known a day in my shoes. I doubt they could handle what I've been through. If they had to deal with:
1. Having to pick between food for a week and a relative's medication
2. Deciding if the water OR light bill should be paid on time this month
3. Doing grocery shopping at the dollar store
they would have a nervous breakdown.
So you know what, I don't mind being in that 99% anymore. I'd rather fight for an honest day's pay, living wage and a country I can be proud of, than to live in an ivory tower, unaware of the world below me.
Remember this, Marie Antoinette once told her 99% "Let them eat cake" when they had neither sustenance nor money. I think we know how well THAT turned out. ;)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Which got me thinking, there’s a simple way they “could” book themselves out of this jam, and everything they need is already on payroll.
Part one: Sin Cara
The next PPV is Hell in a Cell. This is simple, just book Cara vs. Cara vs. Bryan, with Bryan defeating them both. From here, the two Cara’s can resume their feud for however long the fans will put up with it, while Bryan moves on to…
Part two: A reminder of things past..
In October, the Screwjob DVD set will be out, so this would be a prime time to take advantage of HBK’s return to television. He and Bret can enjoy some back and forth spats, then come Survivor Series we can have Tyson Kidd (with Bret Hart in his corner) vs. Daniel Bryan (with HBK in his corner). From here, the events surrounding the two teams can help determine the next feud, which will be…
Part three: The Boyhood Dream of an American Dragon…
Considering the fire from the last few paragraphs, I would encourage Bryan to “shoot” from the hip on his former “trainer”. Just let loose, get everything off that Dragon’s chest, let him stop time and hold the audience with every story. HBK’s true morals are exposed, and we see the Heartbreak Kid for the same, backstabbing heel he was in the mid 1990’s. The American Dragon hits HBK with an elaborate expose faster than you can say “WWE ICE CREAM BAR”.
Now this feud would last until Royal Rumble. Initially I had penned this out for WrestleMania, but a tweet posted by a wrestler I’ve always respected, led me to change the course of this storyline…
Part four: A Regal entrance and The World’s Strongest departure…
William Regal recently tweeted that he would like his long overdue shot at the title. Why not give it to him? See I’ve penned in a title reign for Mark Henry that lasts through January, and from the end of December until Royal Rumble, he can have a feud with Regal. It can start with a simple conversation, where one will say to the other that they are the last of a dying breed. The last of the active 90’s wrestlers (if you will) and they can mention how they’ve had just a few chances to truly show which is the better man. This feud culminates at the Rumble, where Regal obtains his long coveted prize. After this, Mark Henry can either retire, knowing that he at least lost fair and square (NO BS here) or… end up on injury leave for the thousandth time. Whatever happens first. Either way, this removes Henry from the limelight.
A Raw wrestler wins the Rumble, clearing the WrestleMania SmackDown main event spot for…
Part five: The Final Countdown…
The stage is set for teacher vs. student at WrestleMania. In one corner, we have the robust William Regal, having had new life breathed into his career with the shiny gold belt, while on the other side of the canvas stands Daniel Bryan, confident that his quest for the gold is nearly over. There’s some back and forth bantering, a few weeks where one will come to ringside to watch the other wrestle, but there are no distractions between teacher and student.
Right at the 5 week mark, we have a contract signing, followed immediately by the start of a best of 5 series, with the final match scheduled for WrestleMania. Each week, the combatants have a different match:
Week 1: A simple exhibition
Week 2: A Brawl
Week 3: Queensbury rules
Week 4: Submission
Week 5: No disqualification, anything goes.
The final match takes place at WrestleMania, where Bryan finally picks up the win, after a grueling, 40 minute match with his mentor. The torch is passed, and finally, Bryan achieves not just the victory and the belt of accomplishment, but also vindication, knowing that he earned this title, after 2 years of televised suffering at the hands of the WWE.
It doesn’t take much to make amends for what has happened to this man, and hell, everything I typed out is already within the WWE’s massive “budget” and certainly took me no more than 5 minutes to type out.
The clock is ticking, and only time will tell if the WWE Creative Team has the brain power to muster into fruition this simple plan…
Of course, he could always choke a bitch out. That works too…
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Now for the record, I usually eat turkey bacon, which is thicker and less fatty than it's non-kosher counterpart. But this just sounded sooo tempting. Bacon that's GOOD for me? Made from vegitables and soy? Why surely this must be a good investment.
Ha ha ha.
So just a bit ago, I cooked up the entire box of Tempeh.
Serving size: 7 pieces per person.
Servings per container:2.
Mama wasn't hungry, so this was just enough for my brother and I.
I open the box to find all 14 strips sealed tight in a plastic sleeve... with NO way to pull it open.
You know, for all this crap about saving the environment, we as humans seem to do just the opposite. Here, let me make a healthy alternative to bacon using vegitables and soybeans, flavor it with all natural seasonings from trees, herbs and anything else I dig out of the ground, then heat-seal the strips inside a sleeve made of cancer causing plastic, lined with Gorrilla-Glue, and then slap the concoction into a cardboard box, made from a freshly chopped trees, dyed in questionable chemicals. Yes sir I am Eco-friendly!
So after taking a razor blade to the package, out come the contents onto a paper towel.
Hmm... about 4 times as thick as Turkey bacon, and if I may be so vulgar, it looks like baby poop. No matter, I've cooked uglier vegitable based foods before, and they tasted alright. Let's keep going.
Heat up 2 tablespoons of oil in a pan. When the oil is hot, place Tempeh strips into pan. Cook for two minutes on each side. In no time at all, you have delicious near-bacon that you can place in a sandwich or next to your favorite pancakes!
So I follow the directions, and place the first strip into the hot oil.
Oh shit. The first strip just absorbed ALL of the oil, leaving strips 2 and 3 bone dry.
So I added another 2 tablespoons of oil. Okay, this at least smells like maple.
2 minutes. Time to turn the bacon.
Wow, they ... they're crumbling. Bacon doesn't crumble. WTF? Okay okay, I can work with this, just turn it over for another 2 minutes.
..... That does not look like bacon.
I fried the strips an extra 2 minutes, until it at least stopped looking like poop and started looking like sausage with bacon contact paper glued to each side.
So I try a few pieces, each varying from well-done to a little burnt.
... That's very soft. Like bean paste and oil soaked potatos. And the taste is mildly maple, but VERY heavy on the soybean.
Now I will say this, I feel a little better for trying something new, but this was false advertising. This product is overpriced and lacks the look, feel and taste of bacon. Not reccomended.