Saturday, December 3, 2011

Does Charles "Nyan" or "Meow"?

My parents are separated. I feel obligated to open every story about my father with that line.

So my father just got back into his apartment in my basement, looking rather disheveled. He claims that he just got back from an “emergency” trip to Target… for cat food.

Now for the record, nobody in my local bloodwork owns a cat. In fact, I am severely allergic to short hairs and “Garfield” style cats, so a feline is out of the question here.

Ergo, one must surmise that my father was buying cat food for his girlfriend, and this would be correct. So this is the tale he told me about this late night excursion.

Now if you were a fan of my MySpace blogs between 2009 and 2010, then you already know about her. But for those of you just joining the party here on Blogger, let me catch you up.

My father began asking my mother to help him pay for coffee for his girl “Maryse” in 2009. “Maryse” is 39 years old, huge Twilight fan, has a teenaged son who is her personal slave, has more than two boyfriends (One of whom is serving a decently sized sentence for touching a 13 year old) and is an ex-French teacher for children … who “LEIK TOTALLY CAN’T UM UNDERSTAAAAND WHYLEIK THE SCHOOL LEIK TOATALLY WANTED TO FIER HER AND STUFF? LEIK WOW WHAT’S GOING ON MAAAN?” Can you imagine this bitch trying to speak French? “LEIK BONJUUUR COMOTALLYVIEU??” I should point out her nasal, wing bar waitress voice. Also, she is an ex-cheerleader.

So now that you know who Maryse is, let me tell you why she needed cat food.

A while ago, Maryse went to Japan. There, in a city outside of Harajuku, she went down a dark alley.

There, she found a one-eyed cat, marching between two boxes….

I want you to hold onto that image of the cat marching for just a bit.

Maryse found the cat to be so attractive, that she snatched the cat up, and ran back to the airport.

She paid $500 to have the cat sent to the US.

… No, God forbid she spend that kind of money on a local US shelter cat, where she would know ahead of time if the cat belonged to anybody, naaaaaaah why risk it? Sure, let’s plunk down Fie-Hundred-Dollaz on a random stray, and not even bother to check if he belongs to someone, is sick or has been neutered.

So $500 later, the cat is now on United States soil. She named him “Charles”. (No really, that’s his name.)

Now Charles is a black and white cat… but his patches aren’t exactly what you would expect.

Charles has one patch over his missing eye, in the shape of an Emo haircut…

The other black patch is small, box-like, and stationed under his pink nose.

This is Charles, photo taken right after he had his shots. Assumed age at the time thi photo was taken: Barely one year.


Once more, Charles loves to march.

And in case you are wondering, this Japanese cat has yet to “Nyan”. However, when he hacks up a fur ball, he has a nasty habit of dry-heave coughing “HIEL mew HIEL”

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