Monday, June 17, 2013

Thank you for calling AT&T

Ever wonder why people go mad? This is why.

Call #1:
Thank you for calling AT&T. We have detected that you are having a problem. 

Yes, I see a problem is what you are having. Now that we have established there is a problem, you should be happy customer now, because I acknowledge that a problem without resolution at all is in your grasp. You have a problem and we see the problem. 

Thank you and have a good day. *CLICK*

Call #2:
Thank you for calling AT&T yet again, because in acknowledging that you have a problem, we didn't actually fix it, we just accepted it as part of our U-Verse, which we have a sale on right now.

We are experiencing a high volume of calls, all linked with us cutting phonelines in your area, jamming signals and letting our highly trained professionals chew on your broadband links. We will now ask you to check every phone in the house to see if they are off the hook. 

Of course they are not, and there is nothing wrong with the phones themselves, but at AT&T, we enjoy wasting as much time as possible. 

We will also tell you to do a Power-Cycle, whereby you turn off the computer, unplug everything, and then plug it all back in. This also won't fix your non-internet-based phoneline, but it gives you something to do while we eat SubWay and fiddle on a copy of computer solitaire from 1995.

Thank you for calling your friends at AT&T. Even though you paid your bill before it was due, we will now take the time to tell you how you can pay us double for half the service.

Call #3:
After consulting our staff here at AT&T we have determined that while you have no phone signal or dial tone, that we will now act as if the problem is all imaginary.

However, since you have threatened our misogynistic and racist call center in India with a flight to their main office in Calcutta via Chuck Norris airlines, we will now schedule a tech to come out, poke at the wires, stomp on the siding of your house and pick his nose while telling you you need a new DSL modem box for your NON-INTERNET phone. 

He will arrive surely and half-awake promptly at 7:30 Thursday evening. 

Yes, we do know it's Monday afternoon, but at AT&T, we are not authorized to actually care.

Please enjoy not having a landline phone until then. 

Thank you for calling. Before we hang up on you and laugh, we will now send you to an automated message about AT&T U-verse, untraceable-and-a-pain-to-prove-it's-existence-in-court-paperless bills, and a myriad of other products that you couldn't possibly use.

Call #4:
Thank you for calling AT&T again. You likely have noticed that there are 10 AT&T trucks in your area, just zooming around and not actually doing anything, but trying to look important.

We also know about the 400 lbs. man in front of your home, with the ladder half slanted over the truck, playing with his iPhone and blaring 2Chainz as loud as humanly possible, shattering your windows. He is far too busy picking his ear to actually run up the pole and fix the phone, so right now, his truck is for decoration only.

Your actual worker is scheduled for Thursday night at 7:30, but may not arrive until 8:15 Friday night due to the high volume of people we have screwed out of phone service.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Call #5:
Thank you for calling AT&T! You are likely calling to ask about the four, Java heavy ads we just crammed your Facebook feed with. You have noticed that these ads are the only things loading correctly, while the rest of your Facebook feed says "Broadband Link Not Available" and that these ads are super smarmy, and mostly lead you to items and services that are not available for your area. 

Why the snub? Because we are AT&T. Goodbye! *CLICK*

Call #6:
Thank you for calling AT&T. 

Judging by the volume with which you screamed into the automated voice system, and by the tone of voice and NC-17 rated dialogue you used when addressing our surely, agitated, underpaid, overworked, disagreeable and misogynistic call manager in the Philippines, informing him that no, he may not speak to the man of the house, because it is the woman who is actually in charge of the bills, and the violent manner you were planning on utilizing when threatening to sodomize him with a Medieval Morning Star coated in hot sauce and habanero juice, that a squirrel sneezed down the street and two blocks over from your house, resulting in the immediate discontinuation of your internet signal, which was your last line of communication. 

We agree that there is a problem with the service, but right now we have opted not to boost the signal or try anything useful. 

Your technician may arrive later than Saturday night. We understand that this is Monday, and we originally told you we would send somebody out Thursday night, but there is a valuable reason why we are not willing to honor our original meeting.

Because fuck you. That's why.

Thank you for calling your friends at AT&T. *CLICK*

Call #7:
Thank you for calling AT&T. We see in our records that this is the seventh time you have made it through without being hung up on today, yet this is the 18th time you have called us today over all. 

We also see by our GPS service that a slight, infinitesimal breeze blew past your house, thus knocking out the Wi-Fi. There is no rain scheduled for your area today, and yet our service just blew out like a 120 Watt bulb in a 40 watt capacity lamp from the 1960's.

Now that we have told you about the GPS system, you have figured out that we are using Apple Maps via the iPhone of one of our call center staffers. 

We advise you to please stop flipping off and mooning the big brother satellite in the sky. You are only providing more entertainment for our interns in the Philippines, who spend their down time off the clock spamming anime-related Facebook groups with the phrase "put a dick inside another dick plz follow bak ♥♥ :(" and posting duck photos of themselves in front of Justin Bieber posters in their mother's bathrooms.

Upon zooming in closer via our iPhone app, which by the way is running smoothly on our end, we can see that you are legit crying blood. We have established that blood crying is a problem, caused by our service.

Thank you for spending an entire work day on the phone with your friends from AT&T. 

Please hold while we direct you back to the surely, American-hating asswipe who took your US born job. While he is making only five cents per dollar, in his country, he will be able to retire early and buy a mansion, scrubbed daily by the D cup breasts of 112 virgins, because five cents to us is roughly $30 to him. 

Please refrain from cursing your existence on this planet, while we blare the elevator-swag version of Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas's "My Humps" as done by a caffeinated hipster, who is crying over a MIDI keyboard, because his Emo girlfriend of three months just dumped him for another woman.

*My HUMPS.... my humps... My lovely lady LUUUUUUUUUMPS!!! AAaaaaaaaaaaah AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH*

Tenk yew for kalling AT&T my name is Malachai. How kan I help yew tudey? Yes I see you have a problem, a problem is what you are having. Thank you and have a nice day. *CLICK*

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