Or in my case, it makes you pack a hell of alot faster.
When I first got settled into the house that is soon to become a Wal*Mart, I remember opening up a newspaper. It was April of 2007, and I was getting over being sick, and I couldn't think of a better way to spend the time than by reading a newspaper ~ at least until the TV guy showed up. (That's another story.)
Upon opening the ever thinning paper, I came across a story that grabbed hold of my attention. At first I thought "I must still be sick, because that just sounds stupid" but upon putting my reading glasses on, I realized I was not making a mistake.
Man taken into custody in downstate Indiana after molesting chicken to death.
You now have my undivided attention.
Now, I could have put the paper down. But when you hear or read a story that absurd, you just have to read the rest of it. You can't stop. You can't help yourself. If you don't find out what happened, it will eat at you for the rest of your life. You'll go crazy, trying to draw up conclusions on scrap paper, scribbling on chalkboards. You'll start talking in your sleep and loved ones will find you face-down in the toilet, trying to flush the damn thing out of your head.
So knowing I would hate myself in the morning, I turned the page, and read the story.
During the Spring of 2007, a serial animal rapist was taken into custody.
Serial? Yes, apparently an arrest warrant was issued on the man, after the third time he had been seen molesting a cat. In the span of four months, he had molested a total of two dogs, four cats and three chickens, the third chicken he had stolen from his friend's farm.
Now the first three animals he molested were alley animals, and were all later adopted out.
Let me stop a moment so you can let that seep in. How on Earth do you adopt out a dog or a cat in that situation?? I can see it now. After a lengthy and harassing commercial, featuring Willie Nelson and Sarah McGlaughlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan singing about abused animals in a shelter, a young family pops into the Humane Society. A little boy spots Rover in the corner, shaking violently and howling when he sees the boy's father. The parents ask what's wrong with him, and the clerk says:
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!! His last owner turned him around and banged him like a Salvation Army Drum, rode him up and down the street like a wheelbarrow an' then he downed a 5 Hour Energy shot an' tried to perform the bedroom yoga like he was a caffeinated mail order bride. But I'll give ya a $10 discount if ya get him chipped an' neutered today!!
So moving on..
The first three animals he abused were alley animals, and all of them have good homes now. The rest of the animals came from his friend's farm.
Now his friend took him in off the streets, thinking that he was just down on his luck. But then he started noticing that his animals all acted funny around the guy, and he could no longer control them.
One night, he caught the guy abusing his chickens, and he realized that this pervert is no longer his friend. The two had an argument, and then the man stole the friend's chicken. The friend then called the cops.
A few hours later, the police got a phone call from a woman at a hotel nearby, saying that she felt something was wrong with one of her guests. Police broke in to find the man sobbing uncontrollably.
Somehow, he had smuggled the chicken into a room, and had proceeded to molest it, without anybody at the hotel realizing it.
Unfortunately, in the heat of passion, he accidentally broke the chicken's neck, and it died.
The man was crying, because he had zero intention of killing the chicken, despite it leaving claw marks all over him.
But when the police examined the room, they only found pieces of the chicken left over.
... This hotel had a mini-stove in the room.
Now the article goes on to say that the man was really sorry the chicken died, and he had said in the testimony that he truthfully loved the chicken, and was convinced it was his soul mate.
The article ends there.
... Leaving something unanswered...
Did you EAT the chicken too? And if so, was it rotisserie style? Did you fry it? Did you bake it? Was it a deep fry or pan fry?
We may never really know.
EDIT: My mom found the newspaper article. Turns out this was in upstate Indiana, my bad, here's the article:
After chicken feathers and blood were found all over a room at a Valparaiso Motel, Valparaiso police were called to investigate. The room was found to have been rented to Michael Bessigano, a 30-year-old Valparaiso man with a history of harming and having sex with animals. Police questioned Bessigano and said he admitted having had sex with a chicken.
Bessigano was booked into Porter County Jail on a felony animal cruelty charge. "Because this is the third crime against animals he's been charged with, he is also being charged as a habitual offender," said Chief Deputy Prosecutor Brian Gensel. He faces up to 7 1/2 years in prison if convicted of both charges. "He's got problems and hopefully he will be getting some help," said Valparaiso Detective Lt. Mike Brickner. "He has these urges that need to be addressed."
Brickner said Bessigano stole a chicken from a chicken farm, took the chicken to his motel room which he'd just rented that one night, and plucked its feathers so he could have sex with it. Bessigano then had sex with the animal and it died, Brickner said. Although Bessigano has been out of jail since January, police said this is his first run-in with the law this year. "There's no indication he's done this (animal abuse) recently prior to that night," Brickner said. The owner of the motel told police he had no idea Bessigano was a convicted animal abuser. Motel officials discovered the blood and feathers when they went to clean the room.
Bessigano's animal abuse dates back to 1991 when he was arrested twice, once after being accused of breaking a rooster's neck and once after he was found in a neighbor's goose pen apparently attempting to molest the geese. He was also accused of having sex with and killing a Rottweiler dog at a rural Crown Point ranch in 1992. He was convicted of theft and cruelty to an animal, and was imprisoned until 1994. A month after his release, he was arrested in connection with the attempted theft of a German Shepherd dog from some property in St. John Township. He was returned to prison, then was transferred to prison psychiatric care. He spent time behind bars after he was charged with biting a health care provider at Logansport's psychiatric unit in 1999.
He was released on probation in January and had been living with a family member in Valparaiso. Bessigano has said he slept with dead animals, including a raccoon, when he was a child. While in jail, he would sleep under his cot, paint cat-like stripes on his body and make drawings referring to himself as "master of cats." A complete nutter."