May I speak to a human being in HUMAN relations please?

I am convinced businesses are being run by angry, hormonal tween girls. Why? Because only a tween girl the day she realizes Justin Bieber will never date her would act this badly.

And even then, I'd rather talk to the little girl than these people.

This is how my last few days have been lately:

I have a move coming up. I don't accept this BS.

I called on the job I drew these cartoons for yesterday. By the way, there's no magical pen and paper fairy for we cartoonists, so in case you are wondering, that's part of why I'm even bothering to get a monkey job at this point. The other of course being that I'm trying to pay for a move. There's no magic Government money available to those wanting to move out of state.

I got on the phone promptly at 8 this morning, to talk to a company I applied to two months ago. For the sake of the article, let's pretend their name is the "Quacker Ducky Group". No that's not their real name, but any group that can't be bothered to actually do their job is not worthy of a professional name.

The first number I dialed told me to dial a second number. The second number told me that I had mistakenly reached the Virginia office, and offered me a third number. The third transferred me to a fourth, who transferred me to a fifth.

Each person told me the exact same thing. "Oh noooooooooooooooooo darlin'! You don't want to talk to meeeeeee, you need to talk to THAT person, it's THEIR job to fix this mess. Not meeeee."

Caller number five sent me to a robot, who gave me HALF of an email address.

So I dialed them back right away.

*RING RING*


"WHAT? Whatdoyouwant?? Oh? You applied and nobody got back to you? GAWD okay I guess if you really want to talk to someone in HR about it, you can call this number. Someone will totally talk to you about it." (Actual conversation)

*Calls number*

Robot: Thank you for calling. Please leave a message for *CLICK dooooooooot*

This is insane. I dialed them back AGAIN.

"WHAT!??"

"May I speak to a human being in Human Relations?"

"... Didn't you just call? GAWD what is your problem??"

Oh... I get it Mr. Customer Service Representative. I'm supposed to be taking YOUR job. I see. No wonder you're being a little pissy pants today.

So I sweetly explain that the number I was sent to is run by a robot that hung up on me.

"GAWD just use the website."

"The website is broken."

"UGH fine, okay, just hold on, alright??"

I listen to what sounds to be a rendition on acoustic guitar of the "Save File in a Cave" theme from Final Fantasy three... as done by a drunk Taylor Swift and three homeless hipsters after group stubbing their toes at a busy Starbucks. A very melancholy sound.

"Hello thank yew fer calling Quacker Ducky Group, my name is Sheila, how many I help yew?" Says the nicest voice I've heard all morning.

"Hello, who may I speak to about obtaining employment?"

"Didja use the website?"

"I did. It's broken. It tells me on the front that I have no applications on file, but when I click on my name, I can read my application and each place I have applied to."

"Oh no that won't do! Okay, all of the Human Relations people? They've gone away. So what I can suggest is that you call us again at 2:30 our time, which is Eastern. M'Kay? Have a nice day now!"

So I take a nap. A sleep deprived Kori is not a very nice Kori to deal with after all of this, but as I fell asleep, I hoped that this last person gets a bonus for dealing with the ogre I did.

I later call back at the specified time.

"WHAT?? Why do you keep calling? GAWD hold on!!!"

I got sent to another robot. Who again hung up on me. This is insane.

I call back.

"WHAT??"

"Hello, may I speak to a human being in Human Relations, please?" I explain the damage thus far.

"Hold on, OKAY??"

Ah, Taylor Swift and the Homeless Hipsters ripping apart another Final Fantasy theme. See if you can guess this little diddy? ♫ DAH DAH DAH DAAAAAH DAAAAH DEE DAH DEEEEEE ♪ Now imagine that being yelled out by Florence and the Machines at the top of their lungs, m'kay? And they're sad. Really pouring their souls into it, like a hipster whining about their feelings during a breakup at Starbucks.

*CLICK* "There's nobody here. Here's an answering machine, OKAY??"

*THIS IS THE ANSWERING MACHINE FOR VNDGDRMNG DFLCKR PLEASE LEVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE TONE ~ BEEEP*

The woman for whom I was to leave a message for, has a name made entirely our of consonants. How can i even address this person?

I called one more time, and was given an email address to voice my issue.

What I got back three hours later was a Mailer-Demon:

Kori is livid and speaking in third person now.

Kori is seeing red.

Kori suddenly get why people want to buy guns.

So I called back again.

"WHAT YOU AGAIN???"

"Yes, I am calling back because the people you keep sending me to are robots. Your website is broken, your system is broken and your email address sent me back a Mailer-Demon. Now may I please speak to an actual human being about this?"

"Grr........................... Hang on."

So I am sent to another customer service rep.

"Thank you for calling Quacker Ducky Group. My name is Droopy. *cheeks flap* Please state your business."

I explain the problem.

"Fhmmmmhm... Okay ma'am. Give me oooone second."

Ah. Now the Hipsters are doing that weird chanting thing I hear at coffee shops. Ah, but in the Final Fantasy "somebody died and it's kinda sad" theme. There are some sincere SNES Final Fantasy 3 fans here.

"Okay ma'am are you still there? *cheek flap cheek flap* I think I found the right person, just hang on on hold until I get her back."

You know, you can just about hear the acoustic guitarist cutting himself on the strings while he plays.

"Hellew thank yew fer callin'. This is Bethurz for Quacker Ducky Group, how may I assist yew?"

"Hello, who may I speak to about gaining employment with your company?"

"Well yew can go onliiiine"

"Your website is broken. May I speak to a human being in Human Relations please?"

"I'm the head of Human Relatioooooons."

"Splendid!" I tell her all about the broken website, the broken email and the fact that it's taken two whole months for me NOT to be called back. I hear her type my name one....... letter........... at ......... a..... time.

"Well I see yer in the system... Are you aware that the last two jobs you applied to are in Kansas and Arizona?"

KANSAS AND ARIWHAT???

I explain that the website sais they were in the area I'm aiming for. NOT Kansas and Arizona.

"Well I dun't buleeve the website is busted."

"I choose to disagree, ma'am. I know what it said."

"Well I can see the url, and it does say the wrong place is listed, but i fail to see how that makes it broken."

What?

"I see on yer resume that yew are a website designer............ is that a real job, web maintenance?"

"Yes ma'am it is. It takes a long time to build a website so it both looks nice and works properly." I stopped myself from explaining that there is no HTML fairy that grants me templates with a song, JAVA pixies that magically weave together image-slider codes on my behalf, or graphics gnomes that make the images appear out of my ass. A real-life human being has to build those.

"Well I guess I can take yer wurd for it then, but I dunnooooooooooo. Are yew even willing to show UP for this jawb?"

"Of course I am, I'm relocating to the area, I can be as close as you need to the position. I can be there early if you want me to."

"Well unfortunately few yeeewww we just now filled up our training classes until Ju-lyyyyy. And if you're a very good girl and say yer prayers tonight, then maaaaybe, juuuust maaaaaaaybe, yew will get a cawl back next week after the Holiday, m'kaaaay? Also this is a $10.50 an hour job."

"Out of curiosity, do you do relocation?"

"Ewwww why would I do that? If yer gonna move, do it yourself!"

I asked her for a specific time in which to expect a phonecall, and was told "MAYBE" next week. Also, by sending in my cell and my home number, it makes me seem out of touch and desperate.

I thanked her for her time, sat down and screamed as loud as I could.

For once, the neighbors understood.

Suicide Bating

I don't always recommend a Facebook page, but I feel it would be a disservice not to share this one.

There's a new Facebook page called Suicide Bating Prevention, and if you don't know what Suicide Bating is, let me tell you.

Suicide Bating is when someone (or a group of someones) continually harass an individual, until they become so depressed that they kill themselves.

We foolishly allow society to write this all off under the cute name of "bullying".

We ignore bullying and refuse to see it for what it is.

Bullying can be a combination of the following:

1. Physical Assault
2. Slander/Harassment/Mental Abuse
3. Stalking
4. Hacking

Yet we allow police enforcement to look the other way.

We say it's "kids being kids" and we put the blame on the victim.

We laugh at hate shrines on the internet, and call them "satire" and devote t-shirts and buttons to every website that slams random people on the internet, even laughing when a site posts a photo of a teenager, detailing a list of ways he or she can and "should" kill themselves.

We teach our children to name-call, and we glorify hateful people, by casting them as "the hero" in movies, TV shows and books. And I'm not talking about any violent pictures here, I mean shows like Sex in the City and Gossip Girl, which glorify women who spend their days judging people at random and exhibiting acts of misandry by having these characters treat men like dirt. And children's cartoons like Total Drama Island, Jem and 6Teen, which all promote intolerance, hatred of people based on differences, and in the case of Total Drama, physical bullying. And again, the characters doing the bullying, are the "good" guys.

We insist that there's something "wrong" with the victim, and we ignore their pleas for help, by spitting in his/her face, and saying they need to "just deal" with it.

When it's an adult victim? When adults bully other adults? We just say "not everyone is your friend" and then act surprised when another suicide happens.

Suicide Bating is something I'm too familiar with.

I was bullied as a child, but when I became homeschooled and then grew up, I figured that this was all water under the bridge. I figured this was part of my past now, and I didn't give bullying another thought.

Then a couple of years ago, a group of complete strangers started cyber stalking me. A hate shrine was posted about me, my inbox was flooded, my accounts were hacked and my family was harassed, all because I posted a 3 minute CGI video of Miku Hatsune in pink, dancing. For real.

I lost out on job opportunities and I didn't know a moment's peace. I seriously thought about ending it.

Then I cracked open my YouTube email, and I got a long email from a 10 year old named Susan. She was going through almost the same level of harassment I was, and needed help.

Susan wasn't alone. I nearly lost two friends to Suicide Bating that same year. All of us reported our cyber stalkers and hackers to the FBI, the police, anybody in law enforcement with an open ear.

Nobody helped.

The only reason why one of my stalkers is behind bars right now, is because he helped hack the FBI. But until they were attacked, my case was closed, and I was told that because I posted ANYTHING online ~ even in the form of a job application ~ that I "had better" understand that everything of me posted online is "permanent" and essentially by having an online presence at all, I left myself open to attacks. In short, if you post your real name online, people you have never met "have the right" to express their First Amendment rights to harass you. If you die by suicide because of it, it's your own fault for not being able to handle "the real world".

Something has to change.

I initially started a Facebook page, only to address harassment related to the freeware MikuMikuDance, which is what I used when I made my "evil" video of the girl dancing. I figured this was the root of the bullying problem for me and for the people on YouTube I was associated with. It's a small page, and I viewed it as a small step.

But soon I started adding all types of bullying articles to the page, to show people how widespread the problem is, and that most of the worst "bullying" is coming from adults ~ NOT kids. The page now has articles about many forms of bullying, even school related.

But no story cut me to the core like the story of Kathie Yount.

Her lovely son was a victim of Suicide bating.

As posted in this article, a group of people he did not know, bullied him non-stop. One day, as he stood on a ledge, not only did he have to deal with his own trauma, he looked down to see a sea of adults, cheering him on to jump. They laughed and heckled him as he lay dying.

Not a single police officer stepped in to do anything.

Not one soul has been taken into custody.

Nothing has been done.

It's time to change that.

Kathie has started her Facebook page, to warn others about Suicide Bating. If you must "Like" any page in the world today, please make it her page.

I want to see the world change.

1-800-WHA-DAFK

When I was a kid, we had a ton of Fan Clubs and character related phone numbers you could dial. Parents used to shell out $20 a call it seems, just so their kids could hear tapes of TV characters, or join a fan club that would get you no closer to your favorite actor than you are right now.

I don't really miss them.

But what happens to the numbers when the character is no longer popular? Well.... here's a few.


Wally Bear
1-800-449-2559
1-800-HI-WALLY

The number first debuted with an unauthorized NES game, titles "Wally and the No Gang". Kids playing the game would be told in every level about the dangers of drugs, and were encouraged to dial the number, and have Wally himself talk to them (via a pre-recorded message) about being straight edge.

Fate: The number stayed in service until 2008. It became the subject of an Angry video Game Nerd video, but just as Wally was having himself a comeback, the number went dormant.

Princess and the Goblin's Princess Irene Hotline
1-800-99-47363
1-800-99-IRENE
256 S. Robertson BLVD.
Beverly Hills, CA
90211

The pitch what that along with this children's VHS, you got a "magic phone card" or a form to send away for one. With the prepaid phone card, you you "for free" call movie characters Irene, Great Great Grandmother Irene or Curdie, and they would give you safety instructions and a way to call your family.

Fate: The number is now defunct, while the building is being used as the home for the BEVERLY HILLS RESEARCH CENTER for the PROALUS Penile growth system.
Their website is http://www.viarexlabs.com/proalus/contact.asp

Sailor Moon Fan Club:
1-800-378-LUNA
1-800-378-5862
Sailor Moon Fan Club
Po Box 1379
Hollywood CA 90078

For a $35 membership and way too much in shipping, you could become a "Junior Sailor Scout" and receive in the mail a clear bag (either a sack or mini backpack) containing a small, random assortment of the following:
1. A paper doll
2. A piece of paper congratulating you and droning about the environment
3. A handful of trading cards with incorrect information on them
4. A certificate
5. A cardboard tag with a badly drawn Sailor Moon on it
6. A set of stick on earrings
7. A tiny notebook
8. A ruler
9. A pen that has enough ink for maybe 3 uses
10. Pencils
11. Sticky notes

Fate:
Both the number and the P.O. Box became defunct in 1999, around the time that the three movies were released in the United States, DiC lost the bidding war for the post-R seasons and Cloverway began sending out Sailormoon S.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Fan Club
1-800-667-7321 (Main number from the VHS)
1-800-300-6993 (Credit Card ordering number)
P.O. Box 222
Hollywood, Ca. 90078

For $17.95 (and a few VHS slips from the Green Ranger arc) you could become a Junior Power Ranger ~ a few years ahead of Turbo's Justin, only the Pre-Bieber Brat got a Zord and super powers for his membership, while you just got a cardboard box. ($18.90 for California residents, $21.95 for Canada) Send a check or money order, no cash.

But inside that box was a random assortment of the following:
1. A "Power Lunch" sack (sometimes with a Fruit Roll-Up)
2. A 30 minute VHS tape featuring clips from the show and all six Power Rangers talking about being a part of D.A.R.E. to be drug free, junk food and their lives as Power Rangers, along with a trailer for V.R. Troopers
3. A congratulations letter, stressing that you should now live up to the high standards of MMPR living and reminding you to watch VR Troopers (I forgot how annoying they were plugging that failure of a show)
4. A certificate, proclaiming you an official Junior Ranger... because all Rangers have them, right? It has printed signatures of the cast, not really signed by them.
5. A form to share with a friend to get them to send $17.95 plus shipping
6. Ads telling you to buy more fan club stuff
7. Photos of the Power Rangers with printed signatures
8. A Power Rangers poster
9. A VR Troopers mini poster/ad
10. Iron-on Logos
11. MMPR Power Dollars to buy more stuff (Usually you'd get ONE. Only redeemable for the Fan Club.)
12. Logo Stickers
13. Logo Tattoos
14. ID Card with D.A.R.E. tips on the back (or on a second card)
15. Shoelaces
16. Window Clings
17. Morphin Times Newsletter (which could also be ordered seperately for free)
18. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers magazine (Sold by itself quarterly or as a subscription until late 1995. Was replaced with the Zeo magazine after the fan club folded, but that publication only lasted a few months.)
19. Local Fox Station ad
20. D.A.R.E. Power Rangers autographed card

For extra cash and a copy of your photo, you could also get your head Photoshopped onto a stock photo of a Power Ranger body. There were alternate boxes where you'd get the same stuff as before, but with an alternate VHS cover, and later a VHS tape of Tommy's Training, but that tape was also released in stores as a stand alone.

Fate: The P.O. Box is listed on the BBB as "MMPR Business", but it is currently being used as Twerp Creative Web Consulting: http://www.thumbtack.com/ca/los-angeles/web-developers/wed-development-graphic-design-creative-consulting

The main phone number was used by HSBC's harassing collection agency. But after a number of complaints from the FCC involving workers at the agency violating telecommunication regulations and even harassing people who had never had a credit card with said bank, the number was recently dropped.

Many of the numbers we had as kids are now being used by telemarketers and collection agencies. But more often than not, the numbers end up as adult sex lines.

I can't recommend calling them now.

Human Relations Debacle

What happened, America?

Why did we allow lazy, good for nothing, whiny, birdbrained wastes of space, to not only get hired at "Human relations" people, but also get away with NOT hiring United States citizens, instead relying on scam artist corporations like Recruiterbox, Vector Marketing and PeopleScout to sift through "ew, icky resumes" for them??

If these names don't sound familiar to you, Google them. These companies are run in a fly-by-night fashion, offering software and a dedicated team of here today, gone tomorrow keyboard jockeys, trained to weed out everybody with an I.Q. above that of a brain damaged chimp, so you don't have to hire anybody.

And when they're done helping you ignore emails, sit on your duff and not let your pretty, little company hire anybody, and the work you actually do need done starts to pile up, what happens? That's right. Your company hires out illegal aliens and other non-US-born-people. Why? Because these people are so desperate to try and do well and earn an honest day's pay, and take care of their families, that they are willing to work below minimum wage. o these people almost work slave wages, while the actual US citizens that for serious wanted your shitty job, die homeless on the streets, because nobody had the balls to hire them.

Now I am NOT proud of this, and I highly discourage you from doing this, but these were my tweets after Twitter dropped RecruiterBox into my feed without my prior knowledge or consent.

Not my best, but when US jobs are on the line, I get pissed.