Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What if you did marry Justin Bieber?

Anytime I put something in bold font, please read it slowly, and let it sink in. Ready? Let's go!

Last Friday night, my brother went on a block-fest on Twitter, reporting and ejecting a ton of really rude tween and teen girls, who were spamming him messages about Justin Bieber.

Apparently saying "No offense, but I am not personally a fan of his work" translates to adolescent speak as "I hope Justin Bieber gets hit repeatedly by a School Bus full of Llamas" as suddenly he was bombarded with "UR JUST GEALOUS" troll messages.

Bieber actually went on to trend for an hour after that, as a bunch of horny kids decided to post their praise in the name of Da Biebs.

Now that same day, my brother's daily Twitter Giveadamn Machine busted. He had read in the newspaper (Yes, they still print those) that Bieber was sad. To understand why, I'll need to break this down very carefully.

It was Bieber's Birthday.

He wanted to go to a nightclub with 14 year old Jayden Smith.

The club does not allow people under the age of 21 inside.

Bieber's bodyguard threw a hissy fit with the management of the club.

Bieber opted not to hit that club that would not have allowed him in anyway.

Bieber tweeted that this event made this the worst birthday ever.

Feel free to re-read that. I certainly had to.

My brother's argument?

There are kids his age who DIE on their birthdays, some via gunfire at their own birthday parties. There are people who become homeless on their birthdays. There's kids in Africa right now that will spend their birthdays alone, in a tent, with no food, water or living relatives as they will all be dead.

Ergo, you and your underage friend not being allowed into an adult's nightclub, cannot and will not make your day eligible for the title "worst birthday ever".

Especially not after you spent the rest of the day tweeting that you were on a shoe shopping spree.

Ladies, I said, Justin Bieber went on a shoe shopping spree ~ for himself. Let that sink in for me.

Now, I know a lot of young ladies are reading this right now, and would still be willing to trade their immortal souls, if it meant being with Bieber for the rest of their lives.

Alright, I'm going to play along, and deliver a few facts about marrying Bieber, and I'd love it if you shared this with other Beliebers as well, it's excellent food for thought.

Let's pretend that Justin Bieber some how, some way, found YOUR tweet, out of the 80,000,000 he gets every day from around the world. Let's pretend that he finds you, and wants to be your man. He's crazy about you, wants to wake up with you every day for the rest of his life. Let's look into your life with Bieber.

Now first we have to examine Da Biebs's mentality.

Now Bieber is open minded when it comes to the rights of the LBGT community, so your Gay/Bi friends have nothing to worry about. They can sleep over with you guys, and he'll be totally cool with it. Nice!

... Unless you want your Gay/Bi friends to get married someday. Then he'll tell your Gay friends they're going to Hell. Not cool. Isn't that bullying?


Bieber puts his religion over women's rights.

He does not believe in a woman's right to birth control or abortion.

Meaning that even if (God forbid) you got raped by another man, he'd expect you to carry that thing to full term, whether you like it or not. He actually said that abortion "is like killing a baby, except different" meaning that he doesn't buy the idea that a person isn't really "born" until the day they actually are born.

Now if you believe that women are supposed to just blindly accept whatever a man wants to do to her body, then you might not be upset by this. If however you like having the right to make decisions for your own body that you have to live with for the rest of your life, this might be the start of a few arguments. Your call.

Another thing? He would want you to move to Canada with him, because he himself has said he does not ever want to become an American citizen, and that he does not believe in America's politics or health care. He "Bieliebs" that Canada is the best country in the world. Despite the fact that he owns a large property in California, United States.

Canada by the way is gorgeous and has great healthcare, so if you don't live there, plan a move and say goodbye to your non-Canadian family. That is of course, if you want to be his girlfriend.

Now a ton of girls are concerned about sex. Your parents can rest easy. Bieber has spoken, and he feels that "I don't think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them." So it's likely he won't want you to have sex with him, until he feels you truthfully love him.... or until marriage. Whatever happens, right?

Now that all this political stuff is out of the way, let's look into the future.

Let's say he does want to marry you.

Depending upon your state, your parents will have to sign paperwork to allow you to marry him, if you are under the age of 18.

If you are right now ages 10-13 or younger, your relationship ~ as innocent as it is ~ will get Bieber investigated by the police as a potential pedophile, and will have your parents investigated by The Dept. of Child Services. Why you ask? Because you are not 18 years old yet. Even if he hasn't even kissed you yet, the police will want to question Bieber and your parents as to why they would allow a minor to go out with an adult. If the police decide this is all "okay" your troubles are over. BUT if the police decide to get Bieber and your parents on pedophile and sex trafficking charges, they will go to prison and you will be sent into the Foster Care system. And that would delay his next tour.

Now let's say everything is okay. Relationship is normal, and wedding bells are on the way.

... You still have to deal with paparazzi stalking you at all hours of the day and night and crazy fangirls, hacking, trolling, stalking and trying to kill you, because you dared to take Bieber out of their grasp. Google Selena Gomez, see what she went through.

You also have to deal with his busy schedule.

He will be on the road at least 6 days a week. There will be MONTHS where you cannot ever travel with him, as it will hurt his image.

You will also have to deal with the idea of him questioning his own faithfulness to you. Guys on the road get horny. Even when they have wives, they are tempted to sleep with other people they say they love, because they feel "lonely".

He also smokes pot, and is not afraid to get more tattoos. Can you deal with it?

He will be doing tours, concerts, publicity events, filming and recordings, while you are at home, by yourself, in Canada, far away from anybody you ever knew in America.

Now like most wives, at some point, you will have children. Sounds pretty cool right? A bunch of little Biebettes and Bieblings running around, maybe they'll even sing like him too. Hey, maybe you'll wait a few years until Bieber's ready for a big family, or maybe you'll start having them as soon as you say "I do"? Who knows, but at some point, nature decides to throw you a few little ones. Nice!

And after several years of dirty diapers, 1 a.m. barfings, blown noses, pooped pants and lost teeth, those cute lil' Biebkins will grow into wide eyed, impressionable & opinionated tweens ~ just like you! Awww..

Now like all kids/tweens/teens, you will have to answer questions you may not be ready for. All parents have to deal with this, no matter how uncomfortable it makes them, and that's fine. It happens.

So let's say that in 10-30 years from now, you have a tween-aged daughter or son with Justin Bieber.

Your kids have their own favorite pop idols.

And just like you're doing to your parents, your tweens roll their eyes at you and say "Ma-AAAOOOOOM my idol is nothing like YOOOOOOOOOOOuuuuuurrrsss! GAWD!!"

And they will listen to dear old Daddy's "Mistletoe" or "Baby" and say "TCH Dad's music SUCKS" and they will post something embarrassing about you both online.

How will you respond?

Beat them up and insist their father's music is "forever"? That'll get you a good 20 years in jail for child abuse.

Take away their internet tools? (Computer, I-product, ect.) Great, now you're just like YOUR parents.

Post something equally embarrassing about them online? Sure, then you can explain to a therapist why your kids disowned you or killed themselves. Great going.

Yell and scream at them how "forever" their dad's music is? Yeah, I bet that works when your parents do it.

Or will you shake your head, roll your eyes and wonder where the time went?

It's fun to imagine what it would be like to marry your favorite pop star, but just remember, time flies....
I made that graphic here. It's the same software the police use when they're looking for missing kids.

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