Sunday, March 31, 2013

Quoting Dramas & the Bible does NOT make you "deep". Gimmie back the EASTER BUNNY!!

As I type this, it's Easter night. A relatively happy day in Spring, marked by chocolate bunnies, gorgeous eggs, pastel candies and adorable bunnies, chicks and ducklings.

And if you look at Facebook, you'd never know that.

I don't know who's annoying me more right now.

First, we have the religious zealots that won't stop posting about how they perceive the Bible. Apparently if you are not an elderly Republican, you have NO rights at all, should shut up and let society use you as a slave ~ complete with you never again accepting Government aid or a job that pays you above $7 an hour, never be allowed to decide who you want to marry, never be allowed basic rights to the reproductive system you were born with, and if you dare to want to evolve past the 1860's, you're going to Hell, and now they get to clog your timeline with a million posts about Jesus.

Sorry dude, but I'm a pro-choice supporter of equal rights. Take your man edited book of propaganda fairy tales and go sit in the time out corner, until you learn to for real ~ LOVE thy neighbor.

I think even Jesus would approve of me saying that.

Then there's the people who are addicted to their whiny, dank dramas.

Look Hipster, I don't care how badly you feel that Rick died or didn't die tonight on The Walking Dead. Posting 100 hashtags on FACEBOOK is not going to magically make me think you're being really deep and poignant. It's a TV SHOW!!! Get a grip.

It's also a show about zombies. In case you haven't noticed, a whole TON of people are going to be dying on that show, so quit letting yourself get attached! Am I the only person who's seen a few zombie movies? Here's a hint: DON'T get used to ANYBODY on those shows!

It's a good thing I backed up my Easter VHS tapes to DVD, otherwise I might never again see Rankin and Bass's "Easter Bunny is Coming to Town". So many Hipsters and religious zealots have ruined what was a colorful and HAPPY time of the year, by bullying CBS, ABC and ABC Family out of ever even mentioning that Rankin and Bass produced specials, dealing with everyone's favorite bunny.

Have you heard these freaks? Here's how they act:

"I'm not happy that ABC isn't playing a ton of Jesus flicks, so I want everyone to be as unhappy as me. I'm gonna lie and say that the Easter Bunny is evil, and force everyone to stop being happy to see him."

"Why is everyone celebrating today with bunnies? TCH that's SO stupid. Everyone knows dramas are what's really REAL. We need to be REAL. Bright colors are fake. Everything should be brown, black and fugly. GAWD nobody understands me."

Dear Jesus munching boiled Easter eggs, WHERE ARE ALL THE ADULTS???

Oh sure, your driver's license says you're above the legal age of drinking, but you're Facebook posts suggest you're 13 and a half. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

Let me start by addressing those of you who won't shut up about Jesus.

Easter as we know it today was originally Spring Solstice. A happy time to celebrate spring and fertility, hence the baby animals.

Jesus's coming back from the dead historically took place closer to his birthday ~ which originally was April 17th. If you're looking to celebrate his return from the cave, you're at least two weeks early. Please, take down your crosses and wait the fortnight until the ACTUAL event.

He was also liberal, believed in free, universal healthcare, and wanted people to LOVE each other, and feel all of society's sins being erased through him. So I doubt very highly he'd like seeing you treat my Gay friends with such ignorance.

Also, his dad, you know... GOD? He flooded the entire world during Noah's day, and also enlisted Moses to take out the Canaanites and a few other towns of people ~ starting with the pregnant women and children. So there goes the fake myth of "God and Jesus are anti abortion" because for freaking crying out loud, we've never had that many since!! Those two segments of the Old testament are the biggest mass abortions I've ever heard about ~ and those fetuses WERE wanted.

And one more thing, "traditional" marriage as dictated by the Bible is ILLEGAL. Traditional bible marriages were based on slavery, business tactics and bargaining. NONE of the marriages in the Bible have anything to do with love.

I'll be clear. Straight or Gay, marriage should only be about LOVE. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now please, stop spamming my feed.

And now I want to talk to you hipsters a moment.
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STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!

First of all, dreary colors, 1970's filters and the overuse of the "contrast" tab on Final Cut Pro does NOT make your show feel "real". When I go outside, I see COLORS. A wide spectrum of blue, green, yellow, pink, purple and red, and the only time I see your usual color choices of beige, baby puke, puce and cardboard, they only seem to appear on GRANDMA CLOTHES.

Second, there is NOTHING "real" about a cast of characters that use each other, sleep with each other, yet haven't evolved to the point of trusting each other yet. Absolutely not! The amount of Emo fights and questioning that goes on in these shows is unbelievable. And you know what? Since everyone's on a permanent "retro" kick lately, putting older shows back on the air and making reboots of them, let me make this VERY clear. Anybody who thinks that the relationship between Mr. Big and Carrie on Sex in the City is what a "real" relationship is "supposed" to be like, needs to be placed in a straight jacket.

Third, do you even know what "real" is? Trust me on this one, you can put all the PicMonkey filters on a photo as you like. Walking Dead is still going to look about as realistic as the Sparklepires in the Twilight series. If you think fugly zombies and Sparklepires are "real", it's time you join the bozo in the straight jacket over there, who doesn't get relationships and thinks that $700 for a pair of shoes is somehow "normal".

Easter should be a time to enjoy the Easter Bunny and sweets. let's all act like ADULTS for once and go back to that.

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