Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Oh hai DeviantArt Mom

Dear Future Husband,
       I promise never to act like this.
Sincerely,
Koriander
P.S. You can has cheezeburger.

I hope this is a lesson to all parents of teenagers on DeviantArt.

PLEASE GET YO' DAMN KID OFF OF THAT WEBSITE!!

We do not ever need another one of these. ><;

Now this is not a photo of the woman I'm speaking about, but of her jacket. It's $229.99 at Store Envy, and I am not kidding when I say it's called the Kawaii Wuv U winter coat. There are half-cat half-bunny ears on the hood part. That too is not a joke.

The actual DeviantArt mom I saw today was wearing this jacket, and had her hair colored like an anime character, somewhat shorter than this. Just like the woman seen here, she had raccoon makeup and piercings.... and a 15 year old's mentality.

She was standing in line behind me as I was unloading a shopping cart. I just wanted to finish the grocery shopping and go home as soon as possible.

I hear the cart behind me slam down, jostling the merchandise inside. Inside the cart is a very loud, very blonde little girl, fascinated by everything Dora.

"DADDY DADDY LOOKIT THIS LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT" I hear at the top of her little lungs. "DAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" I turn to see a blonde Seth Rogen-alike, sleepily nodding his head like "yeah honey, whatever" but seeing that he's not really understanding the awe of Dora, she starts to scream louder, to the point of nearly crying. Finally, he nods his head and says "Yeah WOW honey, that's really cool!"

Suddenly, I see her.

Now mind you, while her kid was trying to wake her husband up, she was angrily starring at a small pack of Ritz crackers. But suddenly, upon hearing her husband act like... well.. a tired dad.. she whips around and SLAMS her hand on the cart.

"WHAT??? .... WHAT???" She snaps at him. The husband puts his hands up in self defense, fingers splayed, eyebrows up.

"What does THAT mean???"

Well princess, when you see a man with his arms outstretched, fingers spread and his eyebrows up, it means he's in self-defense mode, because he's afraid you're about to get up in his face and accuse him of being ignorant.

*Gets in his face* "What is THIS SHIT all about?? GAWD youaresofuckingignorantrightnow."

Well I was right, wasn't I folks? Since when does "self-defense pose" suddenly mean "please get up in my face and scream about how ignorant you think I'm acting" did I miss something? Please explain this to me.

Well after making his skin color brighten about 10 shades, she slams the cart again, obviously scaring the baby girl. So who gets the blame? That's right. He does. Sense made? Absolutely none.

So as he's unloading the cart and getting the little girl to stop crying, DeviantArt Mom starts fiddling with an Apple product. Shock of all shocks? She's on fucking DeviantArt. I wouldn't know except the hideous puce-green of the page was reflecting off of her pink and purple hair. There's enough grease in there I can see myself. Can I get an "eww" please? Ah thank you.

She's trying to tablet scribble as fast as she can about how hard her life is How ignorant (she thinks) her husband is, how annoying her kid (actual words: Little Maggot) is being, and how "GAWD" everything sucks.

To try and soften her mood, Mama and I make a comment on the jacket. Mind you at first, Mama only saw the front of it. So she says "WOW what a cute coat!"

DeviantArt Mom says "Yeah thanks, it was on sale."

Tilting my head, I see something black poke out. "Wow that is really cute. Are those little... ears?"

Revoking her smile, she tilts the jacket up, and yes, there are little, black, fuzzy, bunny-cat ears on the coat.

"It's a reflection of who I AM" she says in a defiant tone. And she returns to glaring at her husband, who is focused on their daughter.

Shopping done, mama calls a cab, as I watch DeviantArt Mom storm out with her little family. No sooner are they 6 feet from the car do I hear "What the FUCK is your problem?? GAWD you are acting SO damned IGNORANT right now. GAWD Nobody understands me."

I turn to my mother, just in time to hear her say something that chills me to my spine.

"You know, some of the mommy pages I follow online are run by people just like her."

Someday, there will be an old folks home, full of DeviantArt grandparents.

I dread that day.

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