Friday, February 15, 2013

JessKAH And The Fight Against Car Doors

← This is a cartoon of one of my neighbors. I have no idea what her name is, but apparently she has a vendetta against car doors. This is the same neighbor who was legit set on fire during the summer, and now takes her aggression out on car doors. Recently, she's gotten another neighbor of mine to do the same at ungodly points in the day, but I'll get back to that in a bit.

I think I may be a tad over stressed.

I caught myself last night, threatening "Illegal Maria" of the large dogs through the window, by exclaiming that if she lets her  beasts into my yard one more time, I shall have to insert my jumbo flashlight into her rectum. I know that sounds aggressive and mean, but there's a (pun not intended) bright side to my plan. Now when it's 2 in the morning, and she's having trouble locating her large beasts of burden, all she'd have to do is pinch her nose, and her bottom will light the way to them.

But I must be honest, folks. I am stressed out. I'm not sleeping very much and when I do sleep, I am disturbed repeatedly by my neighbors.

Behind Illegal Maria is another house, owned by a dude who's name escapes me, but currently being run by "JessKAH". I'm not joking here, that really is how she pronounces her name.

JessKAH Looks like a real life Barbie doll ~ one of the new thin ones. JessKAH stopped growing when she was about 11, so she only comes up to my neck. JessKAH originally was just the "good friend" of my behind-the-house neighbor (let's call him Chad, since I don't recall his name) but is now his live-in girlfriend and new owner of his house. (Dude, cut your losses and move.)

When I first met JessKAH, I was chasing her out of my yard, after she got drunk and thought it would be really funny to light firecrackers in the N-word-bitch's yard. For being as pale as I am, I guess JessKAH can still smell the quarter-Black that I am from a distance. It must count, because the police officer I flagged down didn't even lift a finger to help me when I screamed that she was armed and trespassing on my lawn. Hmm... I'm starting to rethink my stance on... eh... moving on. ^^;

JessKAH gets into fights with Chad almost every day, apparently over stupid shit. The other day, they were fighting over K-Mart towels. At least I'm guessing that's it, since I saw a few Martha Stewart ones being thrown onto the lawn.

I'm always surprised to see the two of them still together when I go to fetch the mail. Their last blow-out was over a white bedsheet not being eggshell color. This was after the first snowfall.

Chad: I am so SICK of your BULLSHIT, JessKAH!!
JessKAH: Whaht-Averrrrrrrrrrrr
Chad: JessKah for real!!
JessKah: Shat AHP
Chad: JESSKAH!!!
JessKah: Kiss my butthole
Chad: Or real fucking original. JessKAH COME ON!!
JessKah: NUW!!

Now don't worry, Chad isn't the type that gets physical in these fights. He just gets whiny.

JessKAH steps outside to use her cell phone. That should give you an idea of the coverage my area has. 20 minutes later, a very compact car, piled with (not kidding) 7 other tiny females arrives. I swear, they all look like tweens. Picture the cast of Digimon in a little, red Prius.

JessKAH heads for the car as Chad stands there, freezing in his Ed Hardy t-shirt and bowl cut hair.

Chad: JessKAh GET BACK HERE!!!
JessKah: NUW!!
Chad: JessKAH!!
JessKah: Whaht-Evurrrrrrr
Chad: Fine, Whatever BYE BITCH!!
JessKAH: Serusly WHAHT!

The next morning, JessKAH returned, long enough to very loudly proclaim she has to get ready for work. Someone she knew drove up to take her to work, and decided to honk 10 times in a row, get out of the car, have some coffee in front of my house, get back in the car and honk again. Guess who's awake now???

JessKAH goes outside. I curl up in bed, thinking this is all over, and I can get some sleep.

.... I should know better by now, shouldn't I?

JessKAH starts screaming at this dude. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?? YOU GO TO HELL RIGHT NOW!!" And she starts slamming the door, repeatedly. Over and over.

I hear more screaming and whining, and then I hear a sound nobody should ever hear, especially not at ungodly o'clock in the morning.

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

My heart stops. Oh dear God.

I peek outside the window.

Fortunately, both people are alive and unharmed. I have no idea if this was a gun I heard, but if it was, whoever used it is a poor shot. Nobody was hurt. But JessKAH was PISSED.

She starts screaming "YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU TONS!!" as the car drives off.... leaving behind a teddy bear.

JessKAH left the bear outside for six hours. When Chad asked about the bear, JessKAH insisted that she left the bear outside.................... to think about what he had done. I can't make this up. The bear now resides in the window.

Since then, JessKAH has been talking to the lady across the street. The two and Maria now have a new hobby, slamming car doors at all hours of the day and night, cursing at people who are not there.

I'm so happy I'm moving.

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