Monday, January 7, 2013

What you weren't told about women

Every year, I hear the same horror stories, and unfortunately, I don't mean that sarcastically or in reference to a fictional horror film.

No... much worse.

I hear about guys making mistakes that on paper, seem totally human and innocent, but when executed, incite riots.

Sometimes it starts in childhood. A mom and dad have a son, they tell him the basic things like "Don't sleep around" and "Hold the damn door open" and how far please & thank you can take you, but they just don't get around to telling him a few nit-picky things about women, because they figure "he's a GOOD boy ~ he'll be alright" and they expect the world to see him as the sweet boy they raised him to be.

The world does no such thing.

Sometimes, a boy is taught a thing or two, and forgets or otherwise says "FTW I don't need that, MAN!!" and he walks obliviously into danger. It's often this variety that either end up alone, or on the 6 o'clock news. Poor bastard. He just never saw that chair flying towards his head.

And every year, I hear absolute stories of horror involving men being screamed at in front of friends, beaten until unconscious, or otherwise Facebook shamed into outer space.
(Saw this happen to a friend recently... the horror..)

The problem here is that there are a few little things about the female psyche that men are just never told.

So guys, allow me to offer a few tips on how to not only deal with women at Valentine's Day ~ but the rest of the year too.

Remember, there are 364 non-Valentine's Days to drudge through, and not enough chocolate to cure it all ~ unless Hershey has finally gotten around to making an I.V.

If she asks "does this make my butt look big" RUN!!!
Reason: This is a trap.

Dudes, there is NO right answer to this one. The best you can hope for is a line like this:

"Your body is gorgeous no matter what you wear. And I am lucky to even know you."

If she doesn't buy that, run for your life.

Why would she ask a question that incites violence? Simple. She's looking for drama. Something to make her feel like a soap opera starlet. Something she can tweet about all day. An excuse to cry into a bucket of ice cream and play really stupid movies.

Unless she is posing for Smooth Magazine and really needs her ass to pop out, the only reason a woman asks you this really stupid question is so she can gauge how your feel about her body.

Here's a list of things you should NEVER say:

1. It's not the dress, it's YOU.
2. It's all in your head. (I saw a man get beaten with The Club when I was a child, for saying this.)
3. Why do you care?
4. A little, let's try another size. (You can't even suggest a smaller size. Then they think you think they're a twig. Never mind if that is the case, this will now escalate into a 3 hour fight over absolutely nothing.)
5. I love you in spite of your ass. (Item #14 on my parents divorce decree.)

DON'T tell a girl you like her, and then bring up the reason why you will not ask her out.
Reason: Being single is already an illness. We don't need you to add poison.

The first person to tell you "I am happy with my independence" is lying through her teeth, and probably spends her time imagining spikes through her neighbor's head.

If there is a reason that is barring you from dating someone (age, distance, hygiene, the crazy eye, her Kindle copy of Mein Kompf, ect.) it would be wise not to bring it up.

Seriously, if you have no intention of dating her, please, like her SILENTLY from afar. It's like sandpaper on an open wound to hear "I want to date you BUT..."

DON'T use excuses ~ especially ones made up by women.
Reason: Your life is already in danger. Don't escalate it.

Maybe you flirted with someone without thinking.
Maybe you cheated on her, but you're not man enough to tell yourself that and you like swimming in denial.
Maybe you want to make her feel guilty for what YOU did.
Or maybe it's Monday.

Whatever happened and whatever the reason, for the love of all things stoned by Ewoks PLEASE don't use any lame excuses!!

I'll tell you a secret. Some of the excuses guys use ~ women invented them.

I used to know a few women. They cheated on their husbands, did things that were really spiteful, and then when they were caught, they'd use the following lies:

I was lonely.
The road is hard.
You're never there.
You never do (name of sexual position that only koalas are really skilled at) with me!
You never make me feel special.
You're always BUSY!!
Well YOU (and then she tells a long story that has nothing to do with the conversation)
I have needs.
I'm only human!

They made up these lies in an attempt to make their husbands feel like it was their fault she cheated. They tried to control and guilt these men into not only forgiving them, but paying for their lovers too. It's a form of mental abuse that usually requires a restraining order.

With that said, you should know that it doesn't work on women ~ since we invented them.

Dude, it's not worth it. Just nod your head, say you have a problem, deal with the screaming and then make your exit. The less time you spend pissing her off, the faster you can fill out your change-of-address card.

If you know you have a girlfriend, wife or someone you're just about committed to ~ DON'T flirt with someone who is single!!
Reason: There is nothing more aggravating in this world than thinking a guy wants to date you ~ only to find out he's got someone. 

There is NO woman alive who wants to be "the other woman".

There is NO woman alive, willing to deal with a trip to Maury, a cat-fight in the streets, a hacked email account or the constant and permanent ridicule and shame that is the result of some jealous psycho bitch, thinking we've trounced all over her territory.

And the first idiot who says "that won't happen ~ I KNOW how to hide these things" is the first TOTAL MORON who ends up filing a police report.

Have mercy.

DON'T tell a girl how you really want to go out with her ~ only to post on Facebook about who ELSE you think is hot.
Reason: It gives the impression that you don't care who you end up with, you just want a hole in the mattress.

Our society teaches women that they are disposable.

We are garbage and men are whores. (Yes, this was in a few magazines.)

So when a woman sees you Instagramming a photo of the latest starlet you'd "totally tap" she's NOT thinking you're in tune with your sexuality. She thinks you are a whore, sir.

Just like you can't stand her babbling on and on about how hot this guy or that guy are, we equally can't stand to hear about this girl's "nice tits" or that girl's "hot ass".

It prompts us to have a negative self-opinion, which leads to self-destructive behavior, the questioning of one's faith and finally the dropping of you from her life, forever.

And haven't we had enough of her blaring Adele songs at all hours of the day and night??

Somewhere, there are a pack of sleep deprived neighbors, praying that she either discovers happy music or an actual man who will sweep her off her feet and to a nice apartment ~ at least 100 miles away. SOME of us would like to have more than 3 hours of sleep in a week.

If you like a girl ~ and you legitimately ARE single ~ and you know she too is single ~ SAY SOMETHING!!
Reason: Women can't read minds or male mating signals.

I know why you're scared. You're afraid of rejection.

Get over it.

In the grand scheme of things, it's likely you've already done something in your life that is 100 times more scary than a woman saying "you're not the one".

I've seen men set themselves on fire, leap off of houses onto furniture, ride shopping carts into the street, and I even have two neighbors that ride lawn mowers like they're cars in the summertime.

Trust me. NO is not the end of the world. If she does reject you, move on.

But there's that 50/50 chance she could say yes. Take the damn chance.

If you have a girlfriend or wife ~ buy your gifts in advance. USE TEH INTURNETZ!! Stop buying gifts last minute from the Gas station.
Reason: "It's the thought that counts" stops working on women after you've hit the age of 13.

I know, in this economy, that hardly seems fair.

But women hate the following:

1. ANYTHING from the trash (even flowers)
2. Funnels
3. Food that is expired or otherwise available year-round
4. Used cards
5. Used condoms
6. Expired condoms (I can't believe I just had to type that word out twice)
7. Wilted/Discount flowers
8. Newspapers/Coupons
9. Anything with a discount sticker on it.

So for the budget gift-giver, here's a battle plan that you can use.

1. Ask her what sort of TV shows, video games or books she likes. Write them down.
2. Ask her if she has a wish list on an internet site. (If she doesn't, proceed to step 4.)
3. Buy her the cheapest things from her wish list.
4. Go onto Amazon and try to find the cheapest things you can from that series. (Think buttons.) Have it sent to her house.
5. Run to the nearest pharmacy and purchase a few cheap Valentine's things. (Pink crap.) Purchase 5 small items and one very large thing. (Large thing can be candy or a stuffed animal.)
6. Remove all price stickers after purchase. This part is CRUCIAL!!
7. Send her one thing each week, until February 14. On that day, give her the biggest thing you bought. If you started this after January 14th, also give her the other 2-5 items that should have been doled out over the course of 5 weeks.

If done right, you will have spent less than $20. Maybe even $10 with coupons.

Now she thinks you're really into her, and you've avoided being run over with your own car.... repeatedly.

For the record, I try to pick cheap items on my own wish list, but your female may vary.

Remembering these things may at least make the next few weeks go faster. A little common sense can go a long way.. in preventing hospital bills.


  1. one thing my parents neglected too tell me about

  2. Good read, there are a few other topics that ought to be added though, just for a gentleman's safety. More things that a man should never give his lady. Some have detailed instructions to better help these men since gents need to know what NOT to do as much as what TO do. Here are 10 things a gentleman ought NEVER give his lady:

    1. Home appliances UNLESS she SPECIFICALLY asked for them. If that's the case, you'd just better take her to HH Gregg & let her pick the one she wants. Trust me, it will save time and delivery fees.

    2. Personal grooming items, also, unless she SPECIFICALLY asked for them. If she says "I want the ParrFumeh Ultra French Super Floofy Frou Frou Body Hair and Nail kit with the Matchable Detachable Press On Toenails" then you'd better damned well ask her where to find it & get her a gift card for the exact product.

    3. ANY sort of sex toy. Again, if she requested the "ULTIMO Big Bad Lady Bit Destroyah" in XXX+X Mega-JUMBO size, you ought to A) ask a WHOLE lotta questions, B) give her the link to where she can find it wholesale & C) find a new lady with a more realistic outlook on what to expect from a man.

    4. Cleaning supplies. Nothing quite says "Yooo gonna DIE" than a gift box full of Mr. Clean & Bounty.

    5. Cookware and groceries enough for HER to prepare YOUR favorite meal. You will die. She will kill you with the very knife set you thought so appropriate for the kitchen.

    6. "Self Help" books. Oh Lord Jesus, you gonna die! Those sorts of books infer to her that YOU think her other personalities have something somehow "wrong" with them. THIS will NOT be tolerated! She will find the personality that she herself has duct taped to the furthest recesses of her mind, set that psycho-bitch free and rain bat-shit CRAYZAY aaaaaaaaall over your ass. "Self Help" books? You NO do!

    7. ANY dude flick that you have ever loved. Unless she has sat down WITH you, watched said flick and stated with her face hole that she A) loved the movie & B) wants a copy, do NOT EVER give her a dude flick! Unless you super really WANT to sit through Beaches, Sex & the City I & II aaaaaaand multiple showings of 27 Dresses.

    8. ANYTHING THAT SHE MIGHT ASSOCIATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE! If you are ever stupid enough to mention that you went somewhere or did something with another woman, in your distant past of course, PLEASE TAKE NOTE that she WILL and DOES lock that info away to use against you at a different point in your relationship with her. So if you have pics on Facebook of that trip to Disneywhatevah and there are random females in it, she WILL decide that ANYTHING you give her that bespeaks of the company Disneywhatevah will be fodder for a fight. Yes, even the plush Mickey doll innocently holding a box of truffles you were eyeing.

    9. Any sort of exercise anything. Unless she SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU to get her a copy of "Ballet Booty Stripper Pole Twister" then DON'T! Of course, you c-o-u-l-d give it a try but let me be the first to tell you, the E.R. staff will get quite a good laugh as they extract that DVD from your ass.

    10. ANYTHING you happen to overhear other women having gotten. The LAST thing she wants is to be like everyone else. You get her the same dancing bear holding a flower as every woman in the office has, the one that they're all gushing on about is "soooooooooooo cyooot" and you can say hello to Bitchfest Anger 101. Get her the mug that says "cutie-pie" with a smiling emoticon pie instead. Then make her some coffee. Then offer to make her late for work. Trust me, she'll appreciate that.