Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The REAL problem America faces...

We all want to be the best Americans possible.

We all believe in the American Dream.

We all want to have a country we can be proud of.

See this cartoon? It's of Captain America. One of Marvel Comic's most American icons. I bet some of you even know the theme song:

But people over the age of 18 lately... alright let's be real here. Over 35. Have been trolling each other over basic, American rights. Here's a rundown of how these people think:

They even make up stories and get angry when you don't believe them. 

Some of them are stupid enough to believe that:

1. Every shooting is fake. All the dead children are hired actors.
2. Every American death in a war is fake. Our dead soldiers are just actors & really alive.
3. If you ban one gun, you ban ALL of them, like forever.
4. The Government is going to come to your house and start a personal war with everyone owning a gun.
5. There's no such things as descendants of Native Americans.
6. All women are whores, who should be forced to have babies even if they're not ready for them, but if they get a job or go on welfare to pay for these kids, they're extra-whores. (Actually saw this!!)
7. If you have more than one child you're a whore ~ even if you're married and your husband is the father of all of them.
8. If you get any government aid, you're a loser, but if THEY do it, it's a-ok.
9. Black guys are social, commie Nazis, especially if they're holding a public office.
10. Everyone who's not as Christian as they pretend to be is a Nazi. 
11. Only rich, White, republicans can have rights, everyone else is a whore going to Hell when they die, and if you're Gay, it's extra-Hell for you.
12. All women should psychically know if he likes him, ask him out, pay for his dinner, give him a blow-job but not want to marry him, and if she doesn't it means she only likes losers, and that he needs to cry about it on Facebook and hashtag "ForeverAlone #YOLO on every third "women are whores" post.

Now all of this sounds like the irrational ranting of a racist 11 year old, whose pissed off that Justin Bieber has an ethnic girlfriend, smokes pot and has a tattoo of a rose, and isn't into fat, smelly jerks that post this.

But these are ADULT MEN doing all of this!! NOT KIDS!!!

And it's starting to piss the OTHER men on my feed off royally. to the point where weekly backhandings are being scheduled. (*Sniff*... I'm so happy.) I just saw three actual adult men threaten a bitch-slap to the dude who won't stop posting #ForeverAlone on his feed.

But NONE of these things are big enough threats. In fact a good chunk of what I just typed can never happen, because we're in America!

But we do have a problem going on in America right now. And it's going to take everyone to put aside their religious, race, gender, orientation and political differences once and for all, so we can solve this crisis. 

We may even have to get our teachers in on this, our spiritual guides, maybe even a few lawmakers, so we can band together and start working on the one crisis that has the power to drive us all insane.

... How are we going to explain Kim Kardashian to the children born after 2012?

I can't even explain Kardashian to my spell check. Just now, it tried to re-type it as:

How are we going to look Junior in the eye, and tell him that once upon a time, years of college and trade school only got you unemployment and 40 years worth of debt, while being stupid landed you a reality show?

How are we going to explain, that there was a time in which MTV not only didn't play any music, but taught little girls that virginity makes you a loser, and teen pregnancy makes you a superstar?

How can I look my future son or daughter in the eye, and tell him/her/them that at one point, TLC decided to ditch medical shows about how the human body works, in favor of redneck moms pimping out their babies in the name of vanity?

I'm more terrified of explaining how The Hills got greenlit for more than one season than I am telling my future son that in North Korea, there's a real life Android 19 from Dragonball Z, threatening to nuke Hawaii. 
Oh, you thought I was joking, weren't you? NOPE!

How can I explain to a child what a Honey Boo Boo is or why Paris Hilton was famous ~ when even I'm not 100% sure?

How do we explain that Lindsey Lohan is more famous for getting high and smashing cars than for any movie she's been in? Or how we don't stop stalking and trespassing criminals the moment one of them whips out a camera?

How do I look a beautiful baby in the eye, and tell him/her that more people watch TMZ than CNN? That people know more about Snooki's choice of sleepwear than they do the number of countries this planet has?

At some point, children get curious. They go to the library. They find a computer. They read a book. At some point, we can't censor everything from them, and we have to explain why Punkin Chunkin is a TV show, aired on a channel that is known to be "educational". 

America, we need to get on the ball with this. We have a real crisis on our hands.

Bad enough I hear a baby outside saying "YOLOYOLOYOLOYOLO".

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