Sunday, December 2, 2012

Is anybody catching these WWE lyrics?

Recently, my younger brother got a copy of WWE 13 for the XBOX 360. There was a sale, and in case you are wondering, there's usually a spare jar in the house for change, which is set aside for one or two nice things, and this year we had enough for ONE video game for my brother. He chose 13 not just because of CM Punk, but because ~ let's face facts here. This might be THQ's final major hit, unless a miracle happens.

Now THQ promised that this year, they'd fix a ton of the problems WWE 12 had, and so far it looks like they've made good on that ~ at least for the most part. I'm not hearing any complaints, but I am hearing peels of laughter from the glitches that could not be fixed. I'll take laughter over screaming every day.

But another thing I am hearing alot of are the menu screens. There's only 8-10 songs that THQ chose for the menu and they play on a loop. Over and over and over and over again. And you have to hear them non-stop during create modes. And despite the fact that the television has the volume set to "2" I can still hear the songs as if the WWE house band was sitting right behind me. Over... and over... In fact I woke myself up this morning, from having sung Christian's theme into my pillow while dreaming.

Now I've been playing wrestling games since 1997. I don't have a complete collection (yet) but I know that it's now a tradition to pick the most angst ridden, whiny, "I hate my life" type of songs possible. The kind of songs that are a hybrid of the Hipster, Emo, Grunge and Garage band influence. Pretentious-whiny-bastard if you will. My brother and I once spent hours playing Akklaim's "Legends of Wrestling" series, just trying to figure out if the song "A Box Full of Sharp Objects" by The Used has a lyric that says:


I know the lyric is either "And should I fall" or "And Sharper" but the delivery is so screechy that it comes across as someone lacking the knowledge of what to do when you have a number 2. Go ahead and look for it on YouTube. Buy the song, it really sounds like he says this.

But I digress, until my brother slipped that disc into the XBOX, I really didn't know what to expect musically from the new WWE game. I didn't know if they'd bring in Legends of Wrestling cast-off songs as they did with Here Comes the Pain and SvR 2006, or if they'd throw in the entrance themes. They opted for 10 of the latter, but with the exception of C.M. Punk's "Cult of Personality" I can't say that I'd recommend their set.

It's a T rated game, but this is still the partially PG era, so I didn't expect THQ to leave in a few of the songs they did. After hearing these tracks about 100 times a day, I've come to two conclusions:

1. The WWE is not now nor has it ever been 100% PG. Otherwise they'd find alternative music.
2. The WWE is great ~ at picking unfitting music.

Now don't get me wrong, Randy Orton's "I hear Voices" and Punk's music fit them both. So they don't "always" pick the wrong themes, but considering the era they're in now and who these people are, do you feel the lyrics work?

Some lyrics work with a wrestler, but not the PG era. Take a look at a brick of lyrics in HHH's theme:

Look over your shoulder, ready to run
Like a good little bitch, from a smoking gun
I am the game, and I make the rules
So move on out, and you can die like a fool
Try and figure out what the move's gonna be
Come on over sucker, why don't you ask me?
Don't you forget there's a price you can pay
'Cuz I am the game and I want to play
Play the game, you're gonna be the same
You're gonna change your name, you're gonna die in flames
Ha ha ha ha ha
Time to play the game!

Am I the only one listening? Then there's Lita. For years, I'd watch that woman trot down the ramp, never understanding the man screeching her song lyrics out. Even in the video game it's not that clear, but at long last, I found the lyrics:

So fuck your rules man
So fuck your rules man 
So fuck your rules man

So fuck your rules man 
You step off you'll go down fast
Ive got to release all the shit 
That has made up my past
So go grant your soul dance 
Baby time to be yourself at last
Unshackle your life spirit 
By a river from the past 

She's like a lost flower 
Growing out through a crack
And a bustling sidewalk moving 
Like a river so sad
So hey where we going tell me 
Where we've gone
Was there love and fury energy and passion
So go paint your face and proclaim thy warrior sword
Coz life is a brutal fight until we show
A shade of time listening for we are all destinct
and our waiting hour transending to release

O_O WOW!! Not only is this song NOT PG, it's not even a song that fits Lita! It feels like it would fit Jeff Hardy more than it would her.

Then there's Kane. Now so far, the video game seems to have his older, lyric-less theme. And that's good. But the game does incorporate elements from the entire post-1996 WWF/WWE into the game story modes. I just hope Kane's "Slow Chemical" theme remains absent:

The wonder of the world is gone, I know for sure. 
All the wonder that I want I've found in her. 
As the hole becomes apart I strike to burn, 
And the flame returns. 

Every intuition fails to find its way, 
One more table turned around and back again. 
Finding a moral lost and found, 
When she's not around, 
When she's not around, 
I feel it coming down. 

Give me what I could never ask for. 
Connect me and you could be my chemical now. 
Give me the drug you know I'm after. 
Connect me and you could be my chemical. 

If this is a song about Katie Vick, let the bitch-slapping commence! This is a song about a drug addict who's girl just dumped him, NOT a near 7-foot tall wrestler who wears red and black spandex and likes to wrestle.

Jericho's theme I'm not even going to get into, except for the ominous lyric "Break down the Walls of Jericho" isn't that implying that you want Jericho to fall and become broken, like the walls thereof? Isn't that an anti-Jericho song?? Think about it for a second, that's like having John Cena come out to lyrics that tell you how to beat him and leave him passed out in the corner. That would be counter productive. Jericho has his own band, can't they just let him have a Fozzy theme?

Cody Rhodes's theme also doesn't sound PG ready:

Let it go, blood drips from your camera;
Just like a knife held in your hand;
What you mad about ? I don't know and I don't give a damn.
Break the rules because I can.

Blood drips from the camera. Wait, what the hell did you do to the camera?

Now this is nothing new. D'Lo Brown got the shaft more than a decade ago when he was on the roster:

You're looking at the real deal now (Whoo)
Gonna kick your sorry ass out on the street
You used to think you own the streets
Well pack your bags, your ass is dead meat
Victory's sweet
(Bring it on)
Here's the receipt

Yes, thank you for shopping Ass-Kickings-R-Us, on the corner of Know Your Role and Shut Your Mouth blvd. just across from the SmackDown hotel. Here's your receipt and 20% off coupon for your next beating. Have a Nice Day!

And let's not forget Drew McIntyre, who is consistently handed life's largest turds for seemingly no reason at all:

What’s that metronome I hear, perhaps the end is drawing near
You never hear the shot that takes you down
Now your dream’s a memory, and seems more true from far away
Just like smoke that fades and makes no sound
Out of time, so say goodbye
What is yours, now is mine
And I dream broken dreams, I make them come true
I make them for you
I make them for you

See, not only do these lyrics not make any sense, they're for the WRONG wrestler. Goldust was about broken dreams, not Drew!! WRONG GIMMICK PEOPLE!!

Although, what little dreams he had left were crushed a while ago..

But seriously, part of the energy of a wrestler's entrance is a good entrance theme. One that makes sense to his character, or at least is a general "I am going to pound your sorry ass" type of theme. It also helps when said song matches the era in which it's used.

Either pick PG songs or quit being PG all together. It makes no sense otherwise.

UPDATE: Now how did I miss this absolute love song about Bret Hart? Ah... Vince? What kind of screwjob were you planning???? O_O

1 comment:

  1. There's something oddly appropriate about the word fuck being used five times in a song about Lita. After all, she spreads easier than Hellman's.