Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Dear Life...

To whom it may concern,

I was a "good girl" my entire life.

I did as I was told, read all the books I had to and then some, completed school as fast as I could, built character doing things I am loathed to do in the false name of "family bonding", ate my veggies ~ no matter how many times they got recalled for disease and pesticide sprays, said my prayers, ate my vitamins, did good deeds without expecting rewards, went to bed, obeyed my elders like a good little subordinate, crossed my T's, dotted my I's, paid my dues and showed up early in life, eager to work hard and earn everything in life the old fashioned way. I even dressed conservatively ~ even though I am a die-hard liberal, and always minded my manners.

I was told that if I did all of these things, I'd be rewarded.

I have not been.

Instead, my life as an adult has been one twisted, confusing nightmare after another.

In lieu of steady employment by which I could work hard to earn my living, my opportunities were shipped overseas, and given away to non-English-speaking children not yet old enough to read.

 In lieu of a degree-granting building from which I could learn from, my country is overrun with so-called "colleges" that do nothing but dump endless debt onto every poor soul who enters.

And nobody has stepped up to ask me to "the ball", since your PC bullshit has made everyone afraid of the Sexual Harassment Panda and Gold Digger Fairy. We don't even have "balls" to go to anymore, because you have deemed them "unsafe" so instead of nice "date" places, we have dark nightclubs that blast dubstep at deafening levels and drench people in liver-eroding alcohol.

I am surrounded by nothing but closed doors, nailed-shut windows and very rude and stupid elders who spend all their time name-calling and cutting back on my rights and freedoms, all while hiding ignorantly behind a holy book they have never ~ EVER ~ read.

So for my next day off, I'm taking a trip back to childhood.

No, not the thing your kids have. Their childhood sucks.

I'm talking about MY childhood.

I want it back.

I want to be able to open up a box of Lucky Charms, eat what comes out of it and not spend the rest of the day doubled over in the bathroom, cursing the little leprechaun and insisting he's magically suspicious.

I want every box of cereal to replace corn syrup, BHT, Splenda and every other Government approved chemical I can't ever ingest with sugar. You know the kind. That white crap we get from the God grown sugar canes that sprout from the Earth.

I want to be able to eat Pop-Tarts again and not have them make my nodes puff up like balloons.

And dammit there better be a toy in the box. A REAL one, not those flimsy school supplies that break in a week.

I want Nickelodeon and Disney to stop shoving teen idols down my throat every five seconds and play ACTUAL cartoons again. No morals. No sitcoms. Just freaking cartoons.

With that said I want my old Cartoon Network back. The one that aired UNCENSORED black and white cartoons late at night, anime super heroes in the late afternoon and crammed the hours full of uncensored Looney Tunes, Rodger Ramjet, George of the Jungle and Johnny Quest ~ and NONE of that 80's crap, please!!

I want Barbie to eat a burger, scrape off that makeup, stop looking like a skeleton and get a REAL job. No more of this reality show bimbo, give me back my ambitious blonde, raising 5 or more siblings in a mansion while she's being a president, astronaut, cop, veterinarian and ballerina.

I want the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that I grew up with back. No more of this CGI garbage, stop being lazy, Mirage! Pick up a pen, start drawing and dammit, put April back in that hideous, yellow jumpsuit!

I want the Power Rangers to quit having trust issues, stop being Emo and start acting like heroes again. The last ... I dunno... 49 incarnations of 'em, I gave up 5 episodes in and started rooting for the bad guys.

And where the hell are my neon colors??? When I wear something, I want you to be able to see it from outer space!

I want cartoons on Saturday mornings again. No, not that baby CGI crap or those old 4kids reruns. Give me cartoons that are action packed, drama-free and have a basic plot even a dumbass can follow.

I want the word Trolls to mean those little dolls you see in vending machines again, and not a slang term for internet abusers in desperate need of a high five in the face with a mallet.

I want action figures to cost less than $5 and actually come with shit again. Lighten up toy Nazis IT'S FUCKING PLASTIC!! You can buy a whole vat of the stuff for 10 cents and have enough to blanket Chicago in Battle Beasts ~ and 10 points to the first person who gets that reference.

I want my Thundercats to look like the WWF Superstars edition of the musical Cats, not these whiny  skinny, Emo things that wallow around in their own self-pity. NO!! Give me back my cocky, self-assured asswipe Lion-O ~ the one that didn't need someone to hold his paw when Mum-Ra appears.

And dammit I said WWF, not WWE. Back off you mealy-mouthed-panda-humpers, I want back the company that didn't make me cry blood when it was on. Gone I want the little, simpering GIRLS that flip their hair and then over-sell and CRY when Kane enters the ring. No, I want the confident F back, brimming with people who act like wrestlers instead of models, fight instead of act, and I damn well expect to hear about a BOOKER working there ~ not a soap opera "creative" team.

I want my Indy Wrestling shows to be all over every local channel I have again, so I have a reason other than the news to have a set of bunny ears.

I want my Chicago channel 50 to play cartoons again instead of paid programming, stress causing dramas and murder-mysteries that spend more time on the weaselly 40-somethings not being man enough to tell a woman "I like you" than they do figuring out how a dead body wound up in a washing machine.

And lastly I want my comic books back. No, not these scribbled out dramas where Superman is anorexic and Emo. I want the Man of Steel back. The confident, everything will be alright hero who couldn't be killed like every 15 graphic novels!

Yes, I'm taking a day off to visit my childhood.

You can have all of my wimpy-non-employers, my money woes and all the piles of "fuck you" my adulthood has dumped on me.

I'm going to be 5 for a day.


P.S. I hid $20 over there.

P.P.S. Your brain just said "underwear".

1 comment:

  1. Back when we DID have GOOD T.V. shows. Now we're stuff with crap made by lazy idiots who can't draw worth crap. What happened to putting EFFORT into a show?? Talk about lazy!!