Sunday, November 11, 2012

Why do GOOD girls end up with dickheads and not meeeeeee? Ah, lemme tell ya.

Every other day, I crack open my Facebook and as always, the second post I see is from a man.

"Why don't good girls EVER come up to me and talk to me, and then end up with dickheads?"

Well guys, I'll tell you the truth. And I promise you won't like a single word of it.

But please, swallow the urge to say "Oh YEAH well um.. you're a fucking BITCH" and then never even acknowledge me again. Let's move past that 3rd grade urge.

Think of this blog as Mickey, pushing, pestering and heckling your inner Rocky into being something better than he is right now. Yes, THAT Mickey. Picture him, smoking a thick, stinky cigar, coaching your inner Rocky into sharpening those hooks, because BROTHURRR at this point, life to you is like Thunderlips to Rocky. I think we all know how that fight went.

Yes, I am an American woman, who is straight, and just brought up Rocky 3.


Your days of being single, sad and alone are now personified in the body of Clubber Lang. Want another beating there, Rocky? No? Then listen up!

Wanna know why she just walked off with the biggest douche in the universe?

Because that dickhead actually MADE A REAL MOVE on her.

It's Hell being a woman, I often times wonder if I was born in the wrong body. But then I remember I like pink and the opposite gender, and I think "Nah, it's not me" but really I do wonder. It's not bad enough I just had to fight my ass off to retain the right to decide what happens to my own body, but I also deal with the day to day issue of interpersonal relationships ~ or the sincere LACK thereof.

But hopefully, I can offer some advice to get you OUT of the mess you're in. If that's the case then my endless suffering is not in vain.

I'll tell you the truth.

We're all are sick of the games, guys. 

We're sick of you claiming to be "single" and then you pull this shit: 

"Um well, see I kinda like this OTHER girl...."

And you either end up staying single, or you wind up with a really UGLY bitch, who makes fun of you, hates your friends and doesn't even have the common decency to shut up during the game. Enough. Her fake b-cups are NOT worth the aggravation, just because she was EASY the first date. Don't be a slut, guys.

We're sick of you whining and boo-hooing that you're "forever Alooooooooone" on Facebook, and then the moment any of us EVER says "well hey, I like you" you do one of two things.

You run away, and don't speak to her for weeks, maybe even months at a time.


You repost her comment to all your little boyfriends and say "DERP look at this psycho bitch! She wants my money I bet. What a fucking creep!" And then you call her a stalker whore.

Meanwhile, the monumental doucheasaurus rex sees you behaving like a 12 year old on crystal meth, walks up to the girl and says "Hey babe, wanna go out?"

That my friends, is how you lose a woman. FOREVER.

And don't think we stop listening after the commitment has been made either.

We hear the comments behind our backs.

"Man, if I was with her instead of that douchebag, I'd really tear that ass up!"

But the moment the girl is single again, you won't speak to her!

You don't ask her out, you don't make another play, you chicken out over the memory of someone else having been near her.

You'll run up maybe once at a supermarket, say "DERP I like you" and then run away, right out of her life.

Then you wonder why you're up late, crying on Facebook like a little bitch, while she's off with yet another dude you instantly labeled "dickhead".

And why is she off with him?

Because "the dickhead" made a move. Spoke to her. Took her out. Didn't make up excuses or talk about other women. That's why.

You guys are amazing creatures.

You are willing to light your own balls on fire for a shot at MTV.

You are willing to pick a fight with a guy close to 3 times your own weight class ~ sometimes for no money at all.

But when it comes to asking a woman out, you shy away like little puppies.

Wanna end the year kissing a lady? Turn your priorities around!

I don't know about you, but saying "Hey I like you" to a guy seems much less scary to me than pissing off Mark Henry. And yet most of you reading this blog see NO problem at all with poking the former WWE champion, if it means you'd be on television.

If you're serious about no longer being single, ignore your fears, swallow whatever pride you think you're entitled to.


That woman you think is cute? She just noticed that Thunderlips has pretty blonde locks, bright baby blue eyes that shine like gems, and puffy, pillowy muscles that look awfully warm and inviting. A better comfort to a tired head at night than that crappy, foam pillow she has at home ~ alone.

Clubber Lang doesn't have time fo yo jibber jabber ROCKY!!

Put your gloves on, step into the ring and SPEAK, Rocky.

Being blunt and honest gets you farther than cowardice behind a Facebook post.

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