Saturday, November 10, 2012

Quit sending your kids into my yard!!

Today I am grateful. I have fully come to realize that it's a hidden blessing my house is set to become a Wal*Mart.

When I wrote my entry Home is where the Wal*Mart is, I'll admit, I was out of sorts. I have no idea where I'll be moving to or how I'll be able to afford the trip. But really, I'm at ease.

It just couldn't happen to a better neighborhood.
I just chased a group of kids out of my yard for... oh I don't know, the umpteenth time in less than three weeks, and once again, the parents of the children are nowhere to be found. These aren't even the usual suspects I'm chucking out of the lawn, these kids are from the other street!

I've had the displeasure of meeting just about every mom and dad within a three block radius, as I've threatened to call the police on all of their pocket trespassers. Today actually, a kind police officer actually pulled up to the house and offered to dole out punishment without my even having to file a report.

Every mom and dad has the same excuse too.

"TCH Uuuugh he was just playing. Just be a GOOD neighbor and let him play in your yard, OKAY??"

Ah.. NO!! NOT Okay!! Not even remotely okay!!! Get your kids OUT of my yard!!

As I type this, a dad in front of my house legit handed a BABY a can of WD-40. If not for the fact that he just ran upon seeing me, I'd have a picture right here of this. I can't even make this up.

 What really got me about the "just let my kid play here" line from each of these human Kewpie factories, is the fact that these people have really nice backyards. I'm not kidding! The backyards of my neighbors look Toys R' Us catalog ready, complete with the latest swing-sets, pools, slides and all kinds of kiddie equipment. 

My backyard looks like a jungle threw up.

Why would you want your little ankle biter in MY yard??

I have diddly squat back there that is even remotely up to code, let alone child friendly. In fact, my pool is now a small pond that the animals keep drowning in. I don't know about you, but I find nothing remotely fun about a makeshift pond that has been used as the Littlest Pet Grave.

Now in recent posts such as Y U Hate Children and There's no such thing as a woman who "just has" an abortion I've eluded to the fact that I like kids. And generally I do, in a non-creepy capacity. But I do hate morons. And even more, I despise when people let their children grow up without teaching them about consequences.

I get it. Not every parent likes having responsibility. Heaven forbid adulthood slaps you around, just because you had unprotected sex. But slap you it should. Because if not, I do have a free hand.

Whether you were bullied into keeping the nine month science experiment or not, if you have made the choice to keep this child, then you MUST be prepared to actually take care of them. I don't mean that in a financial sense, I mean that in a face-to-face sense. You need to talk TO your kids, not bark at them. You need to teach them to respect others and stay out of strangers' yards. It's basic, common sense PEOPLE!!

You know what else is common sense? Learning the language of the country you live in.

Most of the parents I've screamed at are Caucasian, and have been alive in America long enough to know better than how they act. But I do have several parents living next door, (yes in ONE house) who do not seem to want to speak English, let alone keep an eye on their kids.

They've lived here for almost two years now. There is NO excuse.

A few weeks ago, I caught about eight of their kids playing with the American flag I have in front of my house. I stopped one of them from blowing his nose on it.

Oh, I am livid now.

Standing on my property line are two women, goofing off with a cell phone.

"EXCUSE ME!!" I shriek in a tone that would make Vickie Guerrero jump. "Would you PLEASE keep your children OFF my lawn??"

The two women roll their eyes at me and continue babbling. In a desperate attempt to remember what little Spanish I caught from Galavision, Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer, I belted out a primal "Tus hijos no son bienvenidos aquĆ­!!" (Your kids are NOT welcome here!!)

More eye-rolling. Then one woman says to me in broken English "just let them play already, can't jew see I'm busy?"

My Spanish may suck, but those kids sure seemed to understand me when I said "Tu madre es una puta!!"

Let them play, kids will be kids, these are the lame excuses I seem to get.

We live in a society where kids are being kidnapped in NICE, RICH neighborhoods. A kid wandering outside is prone to:

Animal attacks (there are several stray dogs and raccoon's here that do not like children)

Pedophiles (one was removed from my block a year ago)

Drug dealers and addicts (we have a few living right behind the CHURCH)

Thieves (a dude once tried to use a kid's school I.D. for a credit card application)

And if you follow my blog, all kinds of Looney Tunes who are anything BUT child friendly. (See the story I posted on the man who set his ex-wife on FIRE across from my house.) Do you actually want to let a kid play ALONE out here??

Now granted, my block is pretty clean looking, and I do live across from a house Wally Beaver would be proud to call home, but I also live down the street from a few people who actually were on an episode of Jerry Springer!!

Yet not only do the kids play in my yard, they play at all hours of the day and night. I'm sorry, but 2:30 in the morning on a school night is NOT fireworks-and-Bieber o'clock, and may I suggest "Madam" that little lord Fauntleroy and precious Heidi curb the binge drinking and extra loud swearing? I do believe that 6 and 8 are a little young for Miller Time. I swear, very little in this world is creepier than a first grader on a binge in a Strawberry Shortcake t-shirt.
Bad enough the local schools pimp these kids out every other week, having them sell candy and newspapers to raise money for the principal's wallet (if you think it's going to the library, you are mistaken) but now I have to remind the parents that this ain't a McDonald's Play Place, and I ain't Marry Poppins. POP you in the mouth for having them, but Poppins I'm not. 

♪ Just a spooooo~ooonful of SmackDown makes the medicine go down ♫

But I digress. This episode has made me see a silver lining. Who knows how long this case might take, but maybe in a year or so, this house will be a top rated Wal*Mart, complete with a built in McDonald's, across from the church, (if it's saved in time) a GameStop and a Starbucks. A much better use of the neighborhood that could bring in jobs. Sure beats the partiers, wife burners and the unruly tuchus-babblers plaguing the block right now.

Until then, I'll just settle for a cute little pet in the front yard...

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