Today I would like to talk to you about something very important. In fact it’s something very dear to my heart as a woman. The following is a letter that I encourage you to not only read, but share with everyone you know, who has ever been exposed to the commercials, posters and Facebook photos from…. Titanic.
Dear Future Male Counterpart,
I don’t know how far into the future this letter will actually go before reaching you, but take note of the fact that I wanted to get this important thing out of the way before taking another step towards a long life with you. This is not only my will speaking to you, but my intentions as a woman.
No doubt you were of thinking age when the movie Titanic first hit nationwide theaters on November 1, 1997, and if you are able to read this, it means that your brain is strong enough to have withstood hearing Céline Dion belt out the theme song all 999 trillion times that VH1 played it, without spontaneous combustion.
As a man, you likely have been told since the movie’s debut that this is a romantic film that females typically expect to be taken to see upon re-release, or download from an online rental website. You may have also been told that some females have even used their boyfriend or spouse’s computer to illegally download the epic, putting his legal integrity and World of Warcraft files at risk.
When it comes to this film, please understand this.
… I will never …
Subject you to it.
This is not a trick. This is a promise.
Why you ask?
Well for one, the movie is three hours too long.
When it came out on VHS, it was a two-tape set. TWO TAPES??? The only other two VHS set I ever saw was Doctor Zhivago ~ which by the way is an overrated film. If you don’t know what that is, good. Good. Keep moving. Don’t even Google it, it’s not worth your time. Zhivago doesn’t even come up on Spell Check, which shows you it’s worth to society. Anyway.
A second reason why Titanic is not allowed in my house is because it’s a barely historically literate movie … about people DYING. Three hours of people preparing for death, and being socially ignorant about it. Really, if I wanted to see a sinking ship of mostly old, rich people getting ready to die, I’d just watch C-SPAN the day after Congress outlaws the AARP. (Considering recent political climate, I expect this to take place any time now. They already have a twisted vendetta against Medicare and Planned Parenthood.)
Third? False advertising. This is NOT a romantic movie. Here, let me divulge why. This is Rose’s timeline (she’s the main character):
1. 17 year old Rose (yes, she’s a MINOR, played by an adult, but still a minor, please keep that in mind) boards the ship with her fiancée, who is an abusive and ignorant asswipe. And 30.
2. Rose randomly finds this young buck named Jack Dawson. (Age 20) He’s a broke ass artist, she’s a debutant. Romeo. Juliet. Nuff said.
3. Rose ditches the fiancée and her supremely stupid and controlling family members, and pops her cherry to Jack.
4. Cal (the abusive 30 year old fiancée) gets Jack locked up after finding out about Jack and Rose’s freak fest. Rose frees Jack. This is a good hour out of my life right here.
5. Titanic sinks.
6. Jack dies.
7. Rose hides from Cal and takes on Jack’s last name.
8. Cal commits suicide several years later during the stock market crash. Sadly this is not seen on camera, probably because the movie was light-years over budget.
9. Years later, ancient-aged Rose finishes telling the events of this story to her grandchildren, descendants from a relationship she has with someone the script writer of the film deemed not important enough to name on camera. After she’s done telling her life story, she walks to the end of a balcony and drops a cursed diamond into the sea. She dies.
10. The ghost of young Rose spends eternity inside the Titanic. While the living see it as a disgusting, bacteria and sponge laden corpse catcher, Rose and the other ghosts see it as a beautiful cruise ship, and Rose and Jack dance.
Go ahead. Explain to me how this is a romantic film. I fail to see it as such.
A fourth reason? Leonardo DiCaprio. I’m sorry, but in 1997 when he dropped his shirt, he was built like a melted embryo. I didn’t want to see him half naked in 1997 in 2-D, so imagine how less I care about seeing his albino ribs in 3-D.
Currently, the film is running in 3-D, so you can see the water fly out from the screen. In some countries I hear they’re testing out 4-D, which is a nice way of saying “Let’s turn this 3 hour debacle into a Universal Studios ride!!” and the “ride” is complete with rumble seats, surround sound and 3-D glasses. I can’t imagine how Rose and Jack’s love scene goes over when compared to the sinking ship spot of the movie.
Why on Earth would I want to spend the next 3 hours watching people die in 3-D? 2-D was annoying enough, and I can’t imagine that the 3-D effects would add anything more to it. At this stage, the only thing that could make this movie mildly intriguing is if George Lucas’s team of special effects designers came along and added something. Maybe if Max Rebo was playing as the ship sank, and someone chucked a light saber through Cal’s head while C-3PO tries to row R2-D2 to America on a raft, I might actually pay attention.
In conclusion, I feel that movie time with a significant other should be enjoyable. I prefer comedy, action and anime movies, so I’d rather save the 4-D to the next re-hash of Star Wars. So take notice of the fact that I will not subject your eyeballs to the horror of Titanic. It is my promise to you as a lady.