Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Time to make the donuts. HELLO?? I SAID TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS, BITCH!!

The following blog contains harsh language… for a very good reason.

First of all, Hello Kitty Tramp Stamp:

Yeah, that’s how I was greeted today at Walgreen’s.

I was under the impression that I live in America, a land of total consumerism and abundance.

Apparently I am WRONG.

Just walked out to the local Walgreen’s for a half-pint of cream. Silly me! I thought I’d get some cream for my coffee, and a couple of Dunkin Donut’s Chocolate Heart donuts, and have a happy. Simple enough plan, right?

Well Walgreen’s doesn’t have cream. They don’t even believe it exists, and the bitch at the counter is usually adamant that traditional cream (you know, that thick stuff they scrape off of cow’s milk) hasn’t been sold here in 150 years…. Despite the fact that my local Jewel has it.

So what did I get? Half & Half. Guess what that is? Half milk and half CREAM!!! But you know what? It’s not the same as cream. Not the same taste or consistency. It’s what happens when you’ve milked the cow almost totally dry, and this was all that was left in the udder. But hey, I’ll drink it anyway, at least I know where it came from. Not like Coffee Mate, which is essentially a science experiment.

So it’s off to Dunkin Donuts. But before Mama and I get there ~


I see this dude zoom right up to the back of a minivan. After the light changes, his car is literally PUSHING the minivan ahead of him. There are several scared kids inside the minivan, freaking out, because this jackass is pushing their car!

In jest, I said to my mom “Look at this guy. I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEED to get the Donuts!! OMG I’m gonna die, GET OUTTA THE WAY I SUPER NEED MY DONUTS!!” imitating the man behind the wheel.

SON OF A BITCH I WAS JOKING!!! The dude for real nudges the minivan into the path of an oncoming truck, just so he can get the first parking spot at Dunkin Donuts. Un-fucking-believable. I was screaming in the path of this asshole “SON OF A BITCH I WAS KIDDING!! I WAS JUST KIDDING!! You really WERE going to kill a van full of kids for a fucking donut??”

Dude looked at me like I was the one with the problem. His teenaged kid looks up with the standard “What-Everrrrr” glance that was oh so very trendy in 1997. You know what? Have at ya. Go on ahead wit’cha redneck, donut killing selves. I hope to see you next year on MTV’s Teen Mom.

So I finally get to the counter, and the place is barren. There’s not even two dozen donuts left on the shelf.

=_O And NO…




Which was… the #1 reason why I wanted to trek out here in the first place!!

Now the chocolate heart donut is a sweet concoction. There is a thick, vanilla frosting center, and the donut is topped with a thick chocolate frosting with chocolate chips. It’s a delectable confectionary that I had been wanting all damn week. It’s not like I have donuts every day, so on the occasion that I do, I want to have a donut that will satisfy my craving for a long, long time. And I have my change saved up, I walked all the way out here, WHEREISMYDONUT???

So I asked “Jestina” behind the counter “How long will it take you to make more donuts?”

“Oh see I dunno….. you know like I’ve only just started working here Like I I I dunnooooo”


“Okay, well I can see someone else is working back there, ask him!”

Sleepy Employee: Ehh? Meh. Eeeehh.

Jestina: Oh see no. We like we don’t like make donuts here, nooo.


Me: Let me get this straight. You don’t make donuts… AT DUNKIN DONUTS?????

Jestina: Oh see we don’t nooo we don’t make donuts here. It’s just… no.

=_O WHAT????

Now I usually forget that this establishment also has a Baskin Robbins attached, so the Baskin Robbins lady says “Well can’t you just take the heart JELLY donut? It’s kinda the same thing..”


I glare at the two workers with the most incredulous stare I can muster.

“Do you know what the JELLY donut is? It’s corn syrup in a packet of Kool-Aid. It’s NOT the same as a chocolate frosted donut with vanilla frosting in the center!!”

“Well *TCH Ahhhh* Like it’s Valentine’s Day. That donut goes way quick. You should have come earlier.”

Now I am seething. “If you KNOW that damned donut is the FIRST to sell out… WHY the fuck didn’t you make more?!?!?!”

Now think about this a moment. We live in America, land of abundance. And this is a mid-western Dunkin Donuts establishment. I promise you they have earned enough money for the flour, eggs, sugar and chocolate it takes to fill the whole fucking building up with chocolate heart donuts.

Can you imagine if this happened to you in another establishment??

When you go to McDonald’s, you say “Hey, I want a Big Mac.” And they hand you a Big Mac and ask if you want fries with that. You ask them for a Quarter Pounder with cheese? Guess what. What you want is what you get at McDonald’s today.

When you waltz into Burger King and ask for a Whopper, what do you get? Do you get Jestina? “Oh sorry.. we don’t know we, we don’t cook the burgers here.” NO!! You get a mithafuckin’ WHOPPER!!

So excuse the piss outta me, but when I walk into a Dunkin muthafuckin Donuts, guess what? I WANT MY MUTHAFUCKIN’ DONUT!!

You know what pisses me off the most? I applied for work here, more than once. I consider myself to be hard working and dependable. Two things Jestina and Ms. Baskin Donuts can’t even hope to be. Is it really THAT hard to fry up a donut??

Guess what Mom bought? The last discernible donuts they had on the shelf. And THAT was a chore.

Mama: I want the 4 chocolate covered donuts.

Jestina: Um I dunno.. it’s these ones?

Mama: NO. That’s the Jelly donut. I said Chocolate covered.

Jestina: Ohhh… thise one?

Mama: That says Vanilla Long John. WHERE do you see the word “CHOCOLATE” on that??”

This quickly turned into a game of “that one that on THAT ONE!!!! THAT ONE!! RIGHT THERE RIGHT THERE RIGHT THERE!! NO NOT THEEEEEERE ~ THERE DAMMIT THERE!! THENKYOU!!!”

By now, my usually manners had taken a holiday, as I screamed out to the back “WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DUNKIN DONUTS DOESN’T MAKE FUCKING DONUTS??”

But maybe the Dunkin Robbins bitch was right. Maybe tomorrow I’ll walk out at 4 to greet Ahmed, the surly owner from India. Sure he greets me with racist disdain, ignorance and aggressive intolerance, but at least he can make a fucking donut.


  1. Aw man, I'm dying to have that donut! But not with Jestina saying that Dunkin Donuts doesn't make donuts. You're right when you say it's like if McDonalds didn't make the Big Mac

    1. It really is... one of... the best donuts ever. I highly recommend it. Provided Jestina learns how to make one. XD