Thursday, September 15, 2011

That's NOT bacon.

I'm sick. I've been feeling low for a while, so I figured this was as good a time as any to try something a little new.


For $4 at my local grocery store, they had Tempeh Bacon, an alleged replacement for traditional bacon:
Now for the record, I usually eat turkey bacon, which is thicker and less fatty than it's non-kosher counterpart. But this just sounded sooo tempting. Bacon that's GOOD for me? Made from vegitables and soy? Why surely this must be a good investment.


Ha ha ha.


So just a bit ago, I cooked up the entire box of Tempeh.
Serving size: 7 pieces per person.
Servings per container:2.


Mama wasn't hungry, so this was just enough for my brother and I.


I open the box to find all 14 strips sealed tight in a plastic sleeve... with NO way to pull it open.


You know, for all this crap about saving the environment, we as humans seem to do just the opposite. Here, let me make a healthy alternative to bacon using vegitables and soybeans, flavor it with all natural seasonings from trees, herbs and anything else I dig out of the ground, then heat-seal the strips inside a sleeve made of cancer causing plastic, lined with Gorrilla-Glue, and then slap the concoction into a cardboard box, made from a freshly chopped trees, dyed in questionable chemicals. Yes sir I am Eco-friendly!


So after taking a razor blade to the package, out come the contents onto a paper towel.


*SPLORP*


Hmm... about 4 times as thick as Turkey bacon, and if I may be so vulgar, it looks like baby poop. No matter, I've cooked uglier vegitable based foods before, and they tasted alright. Let's keep going.


Directions:
Heat up 2 tablespoons of oil in a pan. When the oil is hot, place Tempeh strips into pan. Cook for two minutes on each side. In no time at all, you have delicious near-bacon that you can place in a sandwich or next to your favorite pancakes!


So I follow the directions, and place the first strip into the hot oil.


*SPLOOP* *FWWOIMP*


Oh shit. The first strip just absorbed ALL of the oil, leaving strips 2 and 3 bone dry.


So I added another 2 tablespoons of oil. Okay, this at least smells like maple.


2 minutes. Time to turn the bacon.


*FWIMP*


Wow, they ... they're crumbling. Bacon doesn't crumble. WTF? Okay okay, I can work with this, just turn it over for another 2 minutes.


..... That does not look like bacon.


I fried the strips an extra 2 minutes, until it at least stopped looking like poop and started looking like sausage with bacon contact paper glued to each side.


Served on the side of a healthy Boca burger, on potato bread.
*Checks package* That is NOT bacon. That does not even look remotely close to bacon!!


So I try a few pieces, each varying from well-done to a little burnt.


... That's very soft. Like bean paste and oil soaked potatos. And the taste is mildly maple, but VERY heavy on the soybean.


Now I will say this, I feel a little better for trying something new, but this was false advertising. This product is overpriced and lacks the look, feel and taste of bacon. Not reccomended.

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