Sunday, June 12, 2011

Slammiversary 2011 ~ The timed blow by blow

NOTE: I am cutting out all skits and backstage segments UNLESS they mean something to the matches themselves. Whatever I cut will end up on YouTube anyway.

NOTE #2: All times central.

1. 7:05 pm ~ Alex Shelley/James Storm vs. British invasion ~ Shelley started off strong with the crowd. James is quicker than usual. First 5 minutes are all about Shelley. Magnus trips Shelley, leads him back into the ring, now BI control the match. Now the match is SLOW. Crowd is demanding a tag. Magnus drops an elbow on Shelley. James tags in, gets a 2-count. Match is still difficult. Alex does a suicide dive to Doug Williams through James's legs. James and Alex double team suplex Magnus onto Doug. Magnus gets a second wind. James to the outside as Alex tries to battle back in. James back in. Doug blocks two of James's moves. BI double team fails. Alex and James take over. James for a 2 count. Alex with A THRUST KICK FROM THE TOP ROPE. James accidently spits beer at Alex. Alex is blind. Alex kicks James who is also blind for no reason. Both are blind. BI gets a 2 count. James kicks Doug. 3 count. Christy says HERE ARE YOUR WINNERS ~ JAMES STORM AND ALEX SHELLYIEAH!! (Bitch don't know his name is Alex Shelley?) Match ends at 7:19 pm

2. 7:22 pm ~ Scott Stiener vs. Matt Morgan ~ (Christy calls him Matt Morga. Is she drunk??) NO action until 7:25 pm with a basic grapple. Scot on rope. Matt runs like he's going to dickslap him over the top. INSTEAD he slows down, climbs over the rope, lightly grazing Scott with his knee, lands on his feet, pulls down Scott, shakes by ears, pushes him back in, acts like this never happened. Both men in the ring, ref is not paying attention, Matt on ground, match SLOW. Sloppy moves. Scott keeps stopping to yell at the ref. Matt on the ropes. Matt gets closthelined. Big Poppa Pump push-ups. Crowd is lukewarm. Scott walking around, kicks Matt, paces back and forth. Scott dominating match SLOWLY. Matt grabbing stomach. Hulks up. Two men are in a SLOW striking match. Matt lifts Scott into turnbuckle via wedgie. Sideslam to Scott. Sitout slam. @ count for Matt. Stiener suplexes Matt. 2-count. Matt with a kneeling clostheline for 2. Scott gets a 2 count. Stiener recliener. Weak "Morgan" chant". Matt uses the ropes to push himself up and drop Scott onto the mat. Scott to the ropes. Leaps into a goozle. Matt Morgan goes for the carbon footprint. Mike Tenary announces Morgan the winner BEFORE the 3 count. Matt wins at 7:34 pm. Morgan kisses pretty Mrs. Matt Morgan.

3. 7:38 pm ~ X Division Championship match ~ Kazarian vs. Brian Kendrick (Spanky) vs. Abyss ~ NO action until 7:42 with Abyss punching Kendrick and Kaz each in the head. Kaz going wild against Abyss. Kaz sent outside. Kendrick lounges in. Kicks the hell out of Abyss. Goes for a flying body drop. BOUNCES. Abyss picks him up, drops him on Kaz. Acts like this isn't a challenge. Both men jump Abyss. Abyss walks to the outside. Kaz goes for a baseball slide. Spanky goes for a drop. Nothing works until Kaz kicks Spanky into Abyss. Ref does a 10 count. Spanky and Abyss back in. Now Kaz. Spanky and Kaz take turns with running knee. Spanky gets a Black Hole Slam. Kaz eats foot. Abyss in too much control. Referee Earl Hebner pulls Abyss off of Kaz on the rope at a 3 count. Abyss just walking around. Kaz gets splashed. Abyss is still bleeding from losing his bottom teeth a few months ago. SHOULD be checked out. Kaz biting Abyss's fingers. Abyss does a shock treatment to Kaz. Abyss misses a 2nd rope move. Spanky takes advantage of Abyss's knees. Spanky hits a missile dropkick for a 2 count. Enziguri followed by a flying DDT for a 2 count on Abyss. Failed Sliced Bread attempt from Spanky. Spanky gets dropped as Kaz tries again to hit Abyss. Kaz and Spanky double team dropkick. Both men double pin for a 2 count. Kaz with a roll up for 2. Kaz thrown at Spanky SLOPPY like a missile, force is so strong ABYSS falls out of the ring. Now Kaz and Spanky lighting punch each other. Two are fighting each other. Abyss throws Spanky to the floor. Abyss gets a BS pin on Kaz for the win at 7:54 pm. BULLSHIT chant starts at 7:55 pm as Abyss talks mindlessly into the camera.

4. 7:57 pm ~ Samoa Joe vs. Crimson ~ Action starts at 7:58 pm with both men brawling like crazy as the crowd sings "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU" Joe goes for a headbutt to the outside but Crimson blocks. Both back in the ring. Crowd is 50/50 for each man. Crimson takes control punching him, then going for a cravat into a drill. Punches Joe. Joe goes for a Dragon Screw leg pulling Crimson to the canvas. Crowd is LOUD for both men. Joe drops Crimson to the canvas. Joe smacking him into the turnbuckles. Crimson punching back. Joe drops Crimson onto his knees. (ROH ROH ROH) Leglock until Crimson grabs the rope. Joe kicks Crimsons leg. Joe with another leg submission. Joe with a spinning Toe Hold. Crimson counters with an armbar. Joe gets the rope. Both men up, Joe goes for a chop. Crimson kicks. Crimson with a double arm jumping DDT. (Ref Jackson James) 2 count. Joe with a suplex. 2 count. Joe open hand slap to Crimson. Joe off the top rope. 2 count. Joe rolls eyes. Joe with a powerbomb pin for a 2 into a single leg Boston Crab. Crimson takes the rope. Slap fight into a headbutt from Joe. Crimson with a spear. Joe laughing like "FINALLY a challenge!" ref starts a 10 count with both men on the canvas. Both men up with punches. Joe with chops. Pushes Crimson to the top rope. Crimson leap frogs into a sleeper hold from Joe. Crimson wins with a sitout powerbomb at 8:09 pm. Handshake at 8:10 pm. Both agree to fight again. Great match, respectful ending.

5. Mickie James vs. Angelina Love ~ First blow at 8:16 pm. Had a snack of Greek yogurt. Quickly discovered that Greek yogurt is nasty. Finished the cup so I wouldn't waste the money spent on it. Mickie wins with a SLOPPY jumping DDT at 8:24 pm. Post match, Winter smacks the hell out of Mickie. Chokes her out with a belt. Now Angelina chokes Mickie with a belt. Earl screams for the two girls to get out of the ring. Mickie actually puckers up and kisses the canvas at 8:25 pm. Why?

6. 8:29 pm ~ Last Man Standing Match ~ Bully Ray vs. AJ Styles ~ Catcalls for AJ from rats upon entrance. Action starts at 8:32 pm with AJ kicking a charging Ray. AJ punching Ray in the corner. Ray's shorts SPLIT down the crotch at 8:33 pm, revealing his black underpants. Cameraman goes between Ray's legs at 8:34 against my will!! AJ in control. Ray with a SLOPPY elbow drop to AJ's neck. Ray in control now. AJ tossed to the outside. Ray smacking AJ around. AJ head first into tipped over steel steps. And again. Stairs tipped onto AJ as Ray stands on the backwards steps. AJ head first into ring post. Crowd gets quiet. AJ back in the ring. Brian Hebner is the ref. Loud assed fan keeps barking at Ray like he's cutting a 1990's promo as AJ gets slapped. AJ gets back up. "IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT?" Ray brings him to the canvas, calling him "boy" AJ asking for more. Chop to AJ. HOLY SHIT chant starts. AJ says "You got NOTHANG" AJ gets hit. AJ hits a few big rights. Kick to the back of the head of Ray. AJ with a springboard from across the ring. TNA chant. Ray to the top rope. AJ with a Pelle. Both on the rope. Ray with a sit-out powerbomb off the top rope. Ray gets a chain. AJ is barely able to stand. Two are brawling outside the ring. AJ welting up. Ray is down. Ray is bleeding from the forehead. Back in the ring AJ goes for a springboard 450 off the ropes. Ray is spurting. AJ dumps Ray to the outside. Ray hits the stairs on the way down. AJ comes out and kicks him. Ray SLOPPY drops AJ face first onto the apron. Ray taking AJ up the ramp. Aj with a Pelle to Ray's face. AJ punts Ray back onto the floor. AJ takes a flying leap onto Ray from the stage! "THIS IS AWESOME" chant. AJ gets a table. AJ cracks a chair over Ray's back. Ray on the table. AJ goes to the commentary, then to the ramp. AJ on the truss. Taz and Tenay screaming. AJ with an elbow drop onto Ray from the truss in front of the commentary table. TNA chant. Both men squirming. THIS IS AWESOME chant as Ray loosely kicks AJ into a breakaway wall. Ray wins at 8:50 pm. At 8:54 pm both men are taken to the back. AJ almost goes into shock. Ray is toatally out of it.

7. 8:59 pm ~ World Title Match ~ Sting vs. Ken Anderson ~ 9:01 pm Sting sneaks up from behind Anderson and screams into the mic as Anderson is finishing a promo. Hillarious! XD Sting slapping Anderson around. Bell rings at 9:02 pm when Sting enters the ring. Browl to the outside as Sting directs traffic. Fight in the crowd. Anderson slammed into the wall. Sting taking the fight to the top of the crowd. Anderson tries to get away via a fan exit in the nosebleeds, Sting drags him back by the nose into a headlock. Two are back in the ring at 9:06 pm. Redneck sees Sting fall to the outside. "CMON STING YEW CAN DU IIT YU CAN DU EEEET!!" Back in the ring, Sting goes neck first into the ring post under the bottom turnbuckle. Two are slowing down the pace while getting a bit sloppy. Anderson with a clothesline. Anderson is focusing on Sting's left arm. Match started strong, is now slow. Jackson James keeps counting everytime Sting has a shoulder up. You can't gain a win on a shoulder out idiot ref!!! 9:14 pm Sting gets another wind. Eric Bischoff runs in?!! Ken for a 2 count? Bischoff at ringside yelling at Jackson James. WHY??? Sting with a DDT for a 2 count. Both men are wrestling slower than HHH vs. ANYBODY circa 2004. Ken with a mic check for a 2 count. Sting with a Scorpion Death Drop. Ref counts to 1. Bischoff starts counting with him. Both say 3. Jackson says "Wait NO!! Motch continues." Crowd demands Eric leave. Jackson WATCHES ANDERSON LOW BLOW STING Anderson gets the pin?!?! BUT THIS WAS A DQ MATCH!!! This was NOT a no-DQ WTF?? Anderson now has the belt?! Anderson has the belt at 9:19 pm. Crowd confused. Replay played from 3 different angles as commentary argue. Taz tries his damndest to explain this so the crowd won't riot. Commentary and crowd are confused.

8. 9:25 pm ~ The Final Battle (stolen title from ROH) Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle ~ STIPULATION: If Jeff wins, he gets Kurt's 1996 Gold Medals. Either way they are not to fight each other ever again. Yeah right. ~ #1 Contender's match, not announced until the men are actually in the ring. ~ No action until 9:31 pm with a grapple to the corner by Angle. Front headlock to the mat by Angle. Ropebreak. Kurt is going for old school wrestling holds while Jarrett is in early TNA-land. Hiptoss to Jarrett. Angle dominating with clubbing blows to the back. Kurt tossed onto his knee to the outside. Shoulder bugs him. Jarrett drops Kurt face first onto the guardrail. Jeff in the ring.Kurt takes forever to get back. Standard sports entertainment match. -_-; Collission. Both men down. Kurt with strikes. Jarrett gets Kurt from the ropes into a sleeper hold. Kurt with a SLOOOW German suplex. Both trade right hands. Lukewarm "Boo Yay" from the crowd. Kurt gets a 3 count but the ref yells 2. WHAT? Kurt Powerbomb into an ankle lock. Jeff gets out. Jeff with a DDT. Angle Slam. 2 count. Kurt misses a moonsault to Jarrett. Jarret hits the Stroke for a 2 count. Both men tease a Tombstone, Kurt reverses #2 into an ankle lock. Jeff kicks Kurt into ref who screams about HIS KNEE!! Brian Hebner rolls out. Jeff walks. Jeff gets a guitar from under the ring. Guitar to Kurt's head. Jeff cleans the ring. Calls for another ref. Earl jogs out at the speed of molasses. 2 count. Jeff pushes the ref around. Kurt's shoulder is bleeding as he gets a 2 count into 3 German suplexes. 2 count. Kurt's head starts to bleed a little on the top. Jeff on the top rope as Kurt punches him. Jeff pushes Kurt. Kurt bounces up with a throw to the mat. Kurt over the ropes shoulder grazing the pole. SLOPPY Stroke off the ropes from Jeff. 2 count. Jarrett with an ankle lock. SLOPPY wrong arm version!! Kurt kicks him in the butt with free leg. Jarrett tries ankle lock, Kurt reverses into a proper ankle lock, Jarrett taps at 9:48 pm. Kurt Angle is the NEW #1 contender to Anderson's belt.

PPV ends at 9:51 pm with an ad promising the return of the 6 sided ring for Destination X on July 10th. 9 minutes early. no pre-show match.

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